The hours are drawing near, when jolly ol' St. Nick will once again make his historical intercontinental trek, delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, as well as lumps of coal to those who fell short of the list this year.
During his travels, Santa Claus is expected to consume a minimum of one to two cookies or pieces of fudge or cake, per household, washing it down with a glass of cold milk or warm cocoa. And judging from the modern schematics I've been able to commandeer for this article, Santa will also be consuming mugs and mugs of the tasty chocolate beverage along his travels. However, cake, cookies, and cocoa cannot stay with someone over the course of one evening. The chocolaty arts are notorious for quickly passing through, like "poop through a goose". Although many of the features of Santa's sled have been upgraded to accommodate for modern technology, I fail to see any sort of lavatory system on the sleigh. What happens if Santa Claus has to poop or pee? Then what?
Definitely a man of Santa's considerable girth, would hardly be a welcomed in using the common commode used in most households throughout the world. I've heard stories of mere mortals of larger proportions sitting on similar lavatories, only to hearing a creak and a groan before finding themselves seated flat on the floor surrounded by broken porcelain, spraying water and fresh turds. Not to mention, it's always awkward having to request the use of someone's bathroom, especially when it's implied that you need to drop an stinky shit. No matter how generous Santa might be, forking over a new iPod or big screen TV.
Due to an ever-growing list of deliveries, St. Nicholas would hardly have the time to make pit stops at every convenience store and gas station within 1000 miles of one another. First you'd need to find ample parking for the sled and eight tiny reindeer. Not an easy task at the best of times, nevertheless when your fighting off the urge to shit your pants. I find it most difficult myself, to pull into my garage and line up my truck perfectly, when I'm "turtling". Also, the fact that the sleigh hasn't any doors or security of any kind on it, it'd be hard fought to go into any facility and concentrate on droppin' a deuce, when you're preoccupied about some yahoo, bent on revenge for receiving a lump o' coal in his stocking last year, stealing the sleigh and going on a wild joyride, al a "Ferris Bueller's Day Off". The only saving grace to that scenario not playing out, is the fact that 99% of the world's population aren't able to name off all eight of the reindeer's names.
However, because much of the world is covered with countries and cultures who barely understand the concept of indoor plumbing, Santa is unable to address his fecal needs in a very private sort of way. Therefore, the jolly elf, must take more substantial measures in evacuating his bladder and bowels. This is where the "Fisherman Maneuver" is put into effect. While travelling between metropolitan areas, Santa is now forced to drop trow and hang his ass over the side of the sleigh. This is not an easily performed feat. Much mathematics is necessary in conducting such a plan.
In the hours preceding Santa's take-off from the North Pole, there are a special team of elves who must conduct field tests in order to accomplish the most thrust from the eight reindeer used to power the sleigh. You must consider not only all the gifts, but the food for feeding the reindeer throughout the night. Enough food must be supplied as having the reindeer lose their energy halfway through the night is not something that bears repeating. Not like that fateful night back in '03, when the reindeers lost altitude and came crashing down, with the sleigh and Santa in tow, onto the mean streets of Bagdad. Thank God for the U.S. Marines who came to Santa's rescue and who handed over their rations and got Santa and his team back on schedule.
Other rations to be considered is the reservoir that houses the Stardust which assists the reindeer in their job of propelling the sleigh. And we mustn't forget the Fat Man himself, Santa Claus. The man in the last decade or two, has really laid on the pounds. It's not like the good old days for Santa, when he'd pack on a couple of pounds on Christmas Eve, then spend the other 364 days of the year, working out to bring himself back down to a respected competing weight. These days, Santa can be found with his fat ass plopped firmly down in front of his 70" big screen watching episodes of "Diner's, Drive-In's & Dives" on the Food Network. It's because Santa "semi-retired" a few decades back, outsourcing the overseeing aspect of his job to Bernard, one of his faithful elves who's been by Santa's side since nearly the beginning.
So much consideration is necessary, if Santa is wanting to swing his fat ass over the side of the sleigh. Not to mention some industrial-strength safety harnesses. Something fitting enough to restrain and angry moose is more than suffice to keep St. Nick's fat ass from plummeting over the side and straight to his ultimate death below. In addition to this task however, more science is needed to keep the crap from flying back into the sleigh.
I'm sure we've all been afflicted with the misfortune of driving down the street when out of nowhere ya cough. And it's not a dry cough, but a wet one, met with not only a little bit of sputum, but a nasty nodule of snot that has freed itself from your inner most sanctum and now finds itself planted disgustingly on your palate. Just like a hard-nosed trucker, you roll down your window and when you believe no one to be looking, you evacuate that snotty fragment from your mouth. Only later, do you realize that the back draft of air propelled the once spongy morsel into the side of your vehicle, where it streaked and rolled it's way backward before finally coming to rest in a freeze-dried state for all who pass by to see. Now imagine if you're Santa Claus, who's just taken a monster shit off the side of his regal flying sleigh, only to stop all little Emma's or tiny Tim's to discover that their is a gargantuan streak of shit flared back and down the side. Fecal matter is difficult to remove at the best of times. In warm climate, it may appear to have been removed with a simple dousing of a water hose, but a hint of shit always comes back a day or so later. You are never really able to totally remove shit from the surface of anything. If you steam-cleaned a toilet plunger, no matter how clean it looked or Febreze-fresh it might smell, no one is ever truly brave enough to wear it on their head like a long narrow crown, cuz you always know that the plunger helped rid you of the triple-coiled log from last summer.
So more science is necessary to prevent the back splashing of shit and urine with ripping one out, over the side of the sleigh. A specific maneuver is necessary which involves getting the reindeer to fly in tight circles. This is called the "Circling The Drain Effect". It is through this method that centrifugal force helps fling the feces from the sleigh, so as not to spray the side of the sleigh, as well as miss the reindeer. If you thought having them run out of energy was a unfortunate event, spraying a reindeer with piss and shit, is even worse. A groggy lethargic reindeer is one thing, but a pissed off reindeer is much worse. While it's true the energy output is increased, the anger ratio far exceeds that and becomes erratic.
The best case scenario for Santa, would simply be to cut a hole in the seat of the sleigh. It's a little "low-tech", but sometimes the simplest answer to a question is the greatest solution. I believe this is called the "K.I.S.S." Effect (Keep It Simple, Stupid). While it may be a little drafty, pinching off a loaf would be easy and quick, and because Santa flies at such a considerable altitude, there'd be no prying eyes seeing his "brown eye". Plus, with the advent of the GPS System in his sleigh, uninhabited areas would be more readily available and no "accidents" would occur, or there'd be far less of them.
So Have Yourselves A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!! And a Safe and Happy New Year, as well...!
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