How Does Paper Beat Rock?

I have a friend who used to be a professional Rock, Paper, Scissors athlete.  He was ranked in the Top Five Worldwide and better than that in just North America.  He was very successful, making tons of cash with endorsement deals and alike, then all at once, his luck ran out and it all slipped away.  Flushed down the proverbial toilet faster than an unwanted turd.  Public opinion's "rock" trumped his "scissors".

What struck him down in his prime?  Was it the constant rumours of steroid abuse?  He, of course, denied all the accusations and passed every test thrown his way.  No.  It was the booze and the whores.  The wrong kind of women can get a man in trouble, especially a guy riding high on the successful wings of the World Series of Paper, Rock, Scissors.  A man left with no moral support, but for those left way back at home, is apt to do some foolish things.  I've done a great many stupid thing, and I've not had the luck of an athletic career or a huge bank roll to feed my foolishness.  All my stupidity has been done for free.  However, I'm straying from the topic, for which I apologize.

Despite his short-comings, he's learned many, albeit harsh, life-lessons and has grown to be a much better person, both mentally and spiritually, from it.  Today, he can be found coaching young up-and-comers in the strategy game play that is Paper, Rock, Scissors.  It is his vast experience in this sport that I found comfort in exploring one of the greatest mysteries bestowed upon this world:  How the f*ck does paper beat rock?!?

Paper doesn't hurt unless you have an actual newspaper press roll, which I've learned weighs in at about a metric ton.  That roughly translates out to about a small sedan, which I've had the displeasure of rolling over my foot, once upon a time.  Not a pleasant experience, let me tell you.  Then again, I'm reminded of a particular skit from the first Jackass movie, in which many of the guys were volunteering to get paper cuts between their toes, fingers and even a mouth or two.  In my experience as a receiver of products from abroad, some paper can slice you open like a f*cking shiv, and that my friends, hurts even more than a Chevy Cavalier running over my foot.

Paper, however, cannot cut through a frickin' rock.  Not even that shitty paper from India and China that cut me open so often.  So once more, I'm left asking myself: How the f*ck does paper beat rock?

BARNEY

Assault of any kind on a minor is a terrible thing.  In past blogs, you may remember my going off on a tangent, exclaiming my tremendous disgust for crimes against children.  I'm even no stranger to assaults, having been on the receiving end of several beatings as a child.  In fact, today marks the anniversary of getting my nose broken when I was sixteen years old, just three days prior to my seventeenth birthday.  I wouldn't wish that act on anyone.  Pain and discomfort aside, the mental anguish that is closely associated with such an assault, can damage you for years to follow.  That was a different time and different circumstances, and despite some doubts from some family members, I've forgiven my father for that incident.  I recognize that it was the alcohol, NOT him, that escalated the situation from what it could and should have been.

So perhaps this is what fuels my disgust for crimes against children.  I don't know.  I can't really say for sure.  However, that withstanding, I can't help but think that it would've be pretty frickin' funny to witness Barney the Purple Dinosaur losing it and gobbling up the menagerie of children collected at his feet during his daily children's television show.  Dinosaurs ARE carnivores, after all.

I love you. You love me.
You taste good in my purple belly...

President Obama Did Not Kill the Twinkie

It's been stated that if the world experienced total global annihilation, the only things that would remain would be cockroaches and Hostess Twinkies. 

Earlier this week, it was announced that after nearly a century of production, 82 years to be exact, Hostess would be ceasing production of the Twinkie.  It's was joked that just weeks before the Mayan's predicted "End of the World", that the one item that would survive it all, will not exist any longer.

While perusing Facebook earlier, I noticed this picture and included in the comments was some ill-informed idiot who blamed President Barrack Obama for the snack's demise.  How f*cking stupid are people?  Don't answer that, it's rhetorical.

The President of the United States is NOT to blame for the closing production of the Twinkie.  In actuality, it was workers striking for increased pay against an already bankrupt company, for work primarily performed by machines & robots.  What was the reason for the Hostess going broke?  It's only speculation, on my part, but it would be my guess that it's the health craze.

All you health nuts, slurpin' back your bottled water, eatin' your tossed salads and protein bars.  YOU are the culprits behind the death of Hostess and their delicious treats.  Choosing carrot and celery sticks over Twinkies and Ding Dongs, THAT is the true crime.

Of course, Hostess failed to discourage the marketing ploy of Twinkies surviving a nuclear holocaust.  Who wants to stick those kinds of chemicals into their bodies?  I am, by no means, a health freak, but in the interest of avoiding fattening foods, I sometimes take to reading the list of ingredients, most of the time having difficulty pronouncing the words printed on the tiny packages.  It's a good way to make one feel sick to their stomachs and thus avoiding the snack.

Although, I am not a connoisseur of the Twinkie, I do enjoy the odd Ding-Dong, which is called "King Dons" in Canada, here.  But another Hostess item that I've learned may be falling by the wayside, is the infamous WONDER BREAD.  I f*cking love Wonder Bread.  Not only is it a flavourful bread for sandwiches and alike, but I love the feel and sound of the words, "wonder" and "bread" falling off my tongue.

Marijuana was legalized in a few states during this last (American) election.  Too little, too late.  All the pot smoking in the world and subsequent munchies will not save the Twinkie from it's inevitable demise.  However, when one door closes, another one opens.  The closing of the Hostess plants marks opportunity for someone.  Some other company to swoop in and make an iconic snack that take the place of the Twinkie, standing side-by-side with the cockroaches after the world crumbles and falls next month, as per the Mayan prediction.