Opposable Thumbs Up

It's been written that 90 percent of the animals on the endangered species list are birds. This is a fact that I don't find this that difficult to believe.  I also believe that their pending extinctions should not be blamed entirely on mankind's intrusion into their habitats.  Not exclusively. I believe quite the contrary, in fact.  That the birds, themselves, should be blamed for their extinction.  Both on them and evolution.  In fact, the truth be known, human beings play a very minor role in their being endangered.

Throughout the ions of time, upon the extinction of their kind, many species have been able to adapt and conform to their new environments.  For example, the Arctic Fish can live in freezing water, despite being a cold-blooded animal.  While other fish would succumb to the freezing cold, these fish have an antifreeze type protein in their blood which prevents ice crystals to form in their blood.  Mother Nature saw a way to survive and made it happen.  The Sperm Whale and the Bar-Headed Goose are two more examples of adapting to their environment.  Both creatures store a lot more oxygen in their blood than any other animal on the planet.  The whale because it's need to dive to extraordinary depths for food.  The goose because of it's flight pattern over the Himalayan Mountain Range, where there is minimal oxygen at those elevations.   Or even more simply..., the dog and cat community simply said "F*ck it!" and moved in with us.  Now who scoops their shit?  (All a part of the grand scheme, me thinks...)

Ninety percent is a hell of a lot of birds facing elimination.  Honestly, I don't really give a shit.  Like I said, before.  It is their own fault, or the fault of natural selection, rather than whether mankind wished to plot a grand highway through their forest homes.  If they (birds) wished to oppose man's progress, they should lash out at us, and defend their habitat, but they won't, and you know why?  No opposable thumbs.

If the ornithic realm evolved to the ability to form a fist, complete with opposable thumbs, they could then lash back at humanity.  Sucker punch their human interlopers and fighting them back to submission.  Or, failing that, move to the city and get a job, as they could now grasp basic tools, like a hammer or a spatula.

Essentially, I'm saying that the responsibility lies on the avian community and not on humanity.  There's a reason why it's called "natural selection".  It's a case of piss or get off the pot.  Make your own destiny, as was the theme of 1991's "Terminator 2: Judgement Day".

Concerning the above captioned Cassowary (Casuarius casuarius johnsonii) apparently has been lashing out at humankind.  It's been recorded that approximately 75 to 85 percent of recorded attacks have been on humans, a majority of which have been giving chase, mind you, and about 15 percent kicking.  In all cases, the attacks were provoked, instigated by humans infringing on their food sources or nesting area.  Physical attacks usually include pushing, pecking, head-butting and even jumping upon their victims.  Many of the physical interactions have resulted in the deaths of the human.  A trait which this large bird shares only with the Ostrich, worldwide.

So kudos to the Cassowary for having the balls to, not only attack human beings, but kill the motherf*ckers, too!  However, they are still on the endangered list.  Being without fists or arms, for that matter, one can only expect to be so effective in any attack.  It'd be like Alvin Law [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alvin_Law] in a Mixed Martial Arts fight.  He might get off a couple good strong kicks, sure, but in the end he's just going to get his ass kicked.  Very much like the ass kicking the bird kingdom is receiving now.

Does A Bear Shit In The Woods?

Does a bear shit in the woods?  Yes.  I suppose it does.  However, another quandary that has bugged me for awhile, now, concerns zombies.

The premise of zombies has plagued our culture for over half a century, if not longer.  Zombies have certainly been a mainstay in cinema, made most famous by the George A. Romero movies, which include "Night of the Living Dead", "Day of the Dead", and "Dawn of the Dead", just to name a few, as well as inspired other film makers to produce their own spins of the zombie phenomenon.  Like AMC's "The Walking Dead", Brit, Simon Pegg's comedic "Shaun of the Dead", and most recently, the Brad Pitt vehicle, "World War Z", which offered an entirely new spin on the zombie genre.

However, as much as the zombie craze eats at our imaginations and nightmares, one question has eluded me for quite sometime now.  Given my unique outlook on life and the world, when watching such media involving the undead, I find myself distracted by this mystery.  I doubt that there are many others, if any at all, who wonder about the inner mechanics of a zombie.

If any one of us (living souls) were to sit down and gorge ourselves with a hearty meal, it wouldn't be long before we'd need to visit the commode to evacuate our bowels.  So I pose this query, given all the brains and guts that a zombie feeds upon, do they not poop?  With their increased craving for human flesh driving their need to feed, logically, the more they devour, one of two things would be the inevitable outcome.  Either one, they simply shit themselves.  Or two, they would grow well beyond the capacity of what their rotting flesh could contain, resulting in a rupture of the lower torso, causing everything to spill out onto the ground.  I would dare to venture a guess in supposing that the latter would initiate cannibalism among the zombie herd.

That is what logic dictates, although evidence of that has never been profiled in any zombie movies that I am familiar with.  Mostly because zombies tend to die rather quickly with a bullet to the brain or a tire iron skillful thrust through their skull.  And even the ones who do "survive" and assault from the living, the camera very seldom, if ever sticks around to showcase a "day in the un-life of a zombie".

There's no evidence of zombies succumbing to exploded stomachs and intestines.  Yet I doubt that during their aimless trek across the land, that they slyly sneak behind a bush to quickly drop a deuce before continuing their quest.  Therefore, it is most likely that shit themselves. The consistency of what zombie fecal matter would be, but I've consume rare beef in the past and it's not had a good reaction in the bathroom.  So by process of elimination, it's safe to presume that a zombie's defecation would one of an oily or greasy secretion, rather than a chunky mass that would easily run down their pant leg.  While a zombie's appearance is unkempt and dirty, I've never noticed any disturbing (and disgusting) brownish-black shit stains on their wardrobe.  Not that I'm in the habit of checking out the asses of the undead.

So, to answer the question;  Does a bear shit in the woods?  Hell yeah, it does.  But does a zombie bear shit in the woods?  Who the f*ck knows?!?  But I wouldn't want to be around to find out.

Trouser Snake

At first mention of the words, trouser snake, one's imagination goes to a male's genitalia, which in this instance you'd be mistaken.  To what I refer to in this blog, today, is going to be much much worse and far more offensive.  So be warned before reading on, and if you indeed choose to continue reading, you've been forewarned and cannot blame anyone but yourself.  So that being said, I will continue my tawdry tale.

Last weekend was Thanksgiving for Canada.  I don't know why our Thanksgiving Day is more than a month prior to that of the U.S.  Canada probably wanted a long weekend in October, is what many of us have speculated.  I know in the last few years, there was a holiday proposed for February, although I don't think it's recognized in all the provinces.  (I'm talking about YOU, Quebec.  You suck, Quebec!)

So after stuffing myself full at my mother's house, she was gracious enough to send me home with a mountainous amount of left overs.  I don't know how much, per se, but upon warming it up the other night, I'd speculate that it was, at least, a pound in weight.  The left overs contained pretty much everything that had been available at the dinner table, except for the beets, which my mother announced she wouldn't include out of fear it would turn everything purple in colour.

So Thursday night was the night I'd decided to heat up and devour this huge meal.  This was not the easiest of tasks, by any measure, but like a trooper, I forced it all down as I watched wrestling (TNA Impact Wrestling) on Spike TV.  Later that night, I suspect due to the tryptophan in my system, I slept one of the most restful nights in a long long time.  I hadn't been sleeping very well in the nights preceding, so the slumber was welcome.

The next day, work went on as usual.  No issues.  No nothing, other than the usual setbacks and shit.  After work I needed to speed across town to sign some documents, then afterwards, I headed to the Home Depot, in search of a specific tool that I want to purchase for my brother-in-law for Christmas.  While looking around, I suddenly found myself needing to visit the washroom.  I don't normally like to use public facilities, as they are usually pretty f*cking gross, but this being a newer Home Depot location and in a decent part of town, I didn't think the washroom would be in too terrible of disarray, and quickly hobbled in it's direction.  Plus, judging from the impending doom, whether or not the bathroom was a disaster, I had one locked in the chamber and the safety switch was slipping.

Sadly, someone was in the handicapped stall, the spot I usually like to occupy as it has lots of leg room.  I don't necessarily need to stretch out as I "drop the kids off at the pool", but it's like a life jacket on a boat.  It's nice to have, just in case.  So I squeezed myself into the other available stall and unleashed the fury.

Actually it wasn't so furious, thank god!  Nothing is worse than having an atrocious bowel movement and having to clean up the mess with that sandpaper they call toilet paper.  Am I right, people?  It's like wiping with a cheese grater.  It might do the trick, but it doesn't feel good at all, nor are you left in a very happy place afterward.  But thankfully, this was not one of those horrific occasions.  Nope!  This one slipped out quite nicely.  Like a basketball through a hoop with nothing but net.  Phoof!!!

I took care of the aftermath and turned to flush when I noticed the gargantuan specimen looking back up at me from the porcelain bowl.  I'm not bragging, nor is this anything to be proud of, but I am a little impressed at the slick torpedo that was laid to rest in the tiny toilet stall at the Home Depot.  By my estimation, it had to be between 14 to 16 inches in length, and it wasn't coiled.  It was straight as the crow flies, nestled comfortably at the bottom of the bowl.  I was almost tempted to take a picture of it with my phone, but quickly decided against it as I don't know of anyone who would be as impressed with this feat as I was (and am).

I flushed and forever lost the evidence of my visit to the Home Depot, but the memory is still in my head.  I remember leaving the confines of the tiny bathroom thinking, "That was one helluva trouser snake."  It was then that I knew I'd have to share this with the world, via my blog, Brain Matter!