Asinine-one-one

 

Hmm.  How do I say this without sounding like a pervert or idiot?  I have an awesome and talented ass.

"Wait!  What did you say, Jeff?" you're asking yourselves, "A talented.... Ass?"

I was driving for work, today, as I do everyday, listening to the radio through a bluetooth speaker, when suddenly, out of the blue, an alarm cuts in, interrupting the radio broadcast.  I'm instantly annoyed, believing that it's the Emergency Alert chiming in to do a test as it often does at the most inopportune times.  Usually whilst I'm watching television, but in this case it was in the middle of a U2 song.  I pulled over to pick up another passenger, taking the opportunity to check my phone and delete this bullshit emergency tone, when I discovered that my ass had mistakenly butt-dialed 911.

I often carry my phone in my back pocket, always without issues, but today, somehow, my ass managed to unlock my phone, swipe it to get to the main screen, pressed the phone calling option, then dial 9, followed by two 1's.  How this was possible, I haven't got the foggiest of ideas.  Only that it happened.  Not once, but a second time, when I was trying to delete all the calls that my ass was making.

Now when I claim that my ass made the phone call to the Emergency 9-1-1, it wasn't the whole ass, but my left cheek to be specific.  How this was possible, it being necessary to press and swipe multiple times, I don't f**king know.  It baffles me almost as much as it pissed me off.  For the remainder of my day, I kept thinking that emergency vehicles were going to track my phone, but alas, the one thing to go right, this afternoon, was no intervention by police or fire.

High Five

I like to listen to the radio when I'm driving at work.  It's Cruz in the AM, because I love hearing the comedic banter between the hosts Clayton Kroeker and Stacie Cooper.  In the afternoons I sometimes stay with Cruz, but more times than not, lately anyway, I've been listening to either Rock 102, which is local or else 104 The Wolf out of Regina.  Regina doesn't have much going for it, other than home to the Saskatchewan Roughriders, a Carl's Jr restaurant and the radio station 104.1 FM - The Wolf.  Today happened to be one of those days where music from the Queen City's station filled the air inside Bus #1812.

Near the end of my shift, the announcer came on with a funny story out of the United States.  When he began telling the short tale, I began to chuckle, believing the outcome to result with 9-1-1 being called, but sadly that funny finish would never come to fruition, but the story remained amusing all the same.

It seems that there was a little girl who had awoken early from a nap, got out of bed and went searching for her mother.  Taking advantage of their young daughter being asleep, mommy and daddy squirrelled off to their bedroom for some sexy time. 

Unbeknownst to them, amid their sensuality, their daughter was wide awake and searching the house for them.  It wasn't until she overheard a commotion erupting from her parents room, when she went to investigate.  Luckily, for both she and her parents, the door was locked, preventing the child from witnessing what was actually happening behind the door.  Sound, on the other hand, was not prohibited from passing through the locked entryway.

The horror that rushed through the mind of the small toddler was overwhelming.  Sounds of bloody murder came erupting from the inner sanctum of the parents' sleeping chamber.  Not before too long, the child began crying.  Sobbing and wailing, all the while pounding on the door, begging for her mother to be safe.  Screaming for help.  

Mom and dad, alarmed at the sound of their baby is such distress brought them rushing to the door to see what was the matter.

Mother with her child, now nestled in her arms, tried her best to calm the distraught infant, softly whispering apologies and affirmations that mommy and daddy were just playing.  That daddy wasn't trying to hurt mommy.

At the end of the story, the radio announcer simply stated, "I don't know what dad was doing, but good for you, Buddy.  High Five!!" ✋