"Wait! What did you say, Jeff?" you're asking yourselves, "A talented.... Ass?"
I was driving for work, today, as I do everyday, listening to the radio through a bluetooth speaker, when suddenly, out of the blue, an alarm cuts in, interrupting the radio broadcast. I'm instantly annoyed, believing that it's the Emergency Alert chiming in to do a test as it often does at the most inopportune times. Usually whilst I'm watching television, but in this case it was in the middle of a U2 song. I pulled over to pick up another passenger, taking the opportunity to check my phone and delete this bullshit emergency tone, when I discovered that my ass had mistakenly butt-dialed 911.
I often carry my phone in my back pocket, always without issues, but today, somehow, my ass managed to unlock my phone, swipe it to get to the main screen, pressed the phone calling option, then dial 9, followed by two 1's. How this was possible, I haven't got the foggiest of ideas. Only that it happened. Not once, but a second time, when I was trying to delete all the calls that my ass was making.
Now when I claim that my ass made the phone call to the Emergency 9-1-1, it wasn't the whole ass, but my left cheek to be specific. How this was possible, it being necessary to press and swipe multiple times, I don't f**king know. It baffles me almost as much as it pissed me off. For the remainder of my day, I kept thinking that emergency vehicles were going to track my phone, but alas, the one thing to go right, this afternoon, was no intervention by police or fire.
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