Nutty Professionals

The evening ended much like every other has, this past summer, falling asleep in the armchair in front of the TV.  Prior to my departure into dreamland, I had been watching the latest "Battle of the Brands" (c/o UpUpDownDown on YouTube) where the two hosts, Austin Creed, aka Xavier Woods in the WWE and Tyler Breeze, a former WWE Superstar.  In the video, as they are preparing their individual Raw and ECW matches they get to talking about all sorts of subjects.  One subject in particular that has recurred over the past year or so, was whether or not Creed had seen the 1996 version of "The Nutty Professor" starring Eddie Murphy.  They make no mention of the original 1963 version starring Jerry Lewis.  To be honest, I doubt these young fellas are even aware that Murphy's Professor is a remake.

I will openly admit that I never found the Eddie Murphy remake to be all that funny, but Tyler Breeze sure believes that it's one of the funniest movies ever, if not THEE funniest.  Creed had never seen the film, nor had intended to do so, but after repeated urging, Creed finally succumbed to pressure and watched the film. 

The two discuss the film briefly before Creed explains to their streaming viewers the premise of the Nutty Professor film, associating it with an episode of the ABC comedy, "Family Matters" in which the nerdy character, Steve Erkel takes a potion that magically turns him into the suave Stephan.  A similar storyline to the original Nutty Professor where a geeky Jerry Lewis drinks a chemical concoction that turns him into Buddy Love, a handsome and charming ladies man, a direct opposite to the professor.  Murphy's version is about a self-conscious overweight man who turns himself into a sexy suave ladies' man.  Both films and the Erkel episode are all loosely based on the 1886 novella, "The Strange Case of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde" by author Robert Louis Stevenson.

Of course, while the duo are setting up their games, there's music playing in the background and the music for Dude Love begins to play and like a bolt of lightning from the Heavens above, I was suddenly stricken with a stroke of brilliance and theorized that the Three Faces of Foley, Mankind, Cactus Jack and Dude Love are similar to the Nutty Professor and Jeckyll and Hyde stories. 

For those unaware, retired professional wrestler, Mick Foley, portrayed three characters throughout his legendary wrestling career.  Cactus Jack, Mankind and Dude Love and in my hypothesis; Cactus Jack was the perfect specimen in the fact that he was tough and good with the ladies.  Cactus is comfortable in his body and nothing will phase the man.  

Mankind, while being tough as nails, unafraid of anything including monsters and beasts as well as barbed wire and thumbtacks, but there was an awkwardness to Mankind.  Around people, he didn't seem comfortable.  You'd never see Mankind hanging out in catering with the other wrestling superstars, but instead in the darkened corners of the boiler room or hiding in the rafters.  Though Mankind didn't mingle well with his brethren, he was especially elusive to the fairer sex.  Though never witnessed on film, I speculate that Mankind shied away from the ladies.

Enter Dude Love.  Dude was every bit as tough in the ring as Cactus Jack and Mankind, but he was also really good with the ladies.  Often, Dude Love could be seen with a lovely lady on each arm.  Foley's version of the ladies man, however, differed greatly from his Nutty Professor counterparts, for The Dude was always charming and respectful, while the two versions of Buddy Love would turn out to be narcissistic arrogant assholes.  Traits not portrayed by Mick Foley, no matter what the instance.

I've never watched the 1963 version of the Nutty Professor and I'm almost certain that the humour showcased in that film would not hold up for my twisted sense of humour, these days, nor do I believe that another viewing of the Eddie Murphy version would change my mind on how terrible I found the film.  As for Mick Foley...  Well, I had the pleasure of meeting the man a few years ago, shaking his hand and posing for a photo of the living legend.  I sometimes muse at the fact that he "stole" my gold marker.  I had brought a special GOLD Sharpie for his autographs, as I had brought a number of items to be signed.  Books and action figures.  He asked if I was planning to resell the items I was getting autographed, as that's something that people do, but I assured him that they would not be leaving my possession ever.  I may have even mentioned being buried with the items.

It is often said that you should "never meet your heroes" as you're often disappointed in who they actually are away from TV or whatever the case may be and while, this has happened to me before (Lita - and I hold a grudge), Mick Foley was probably one of the nicest people I've ever met.  Probably one of the nicest people on the planet, if I'm being honest.

The Man. The Legend.
 Mick Foley

Run For Fun?

Waking up before the sun breaks the seal of a brand new day.  Dressing up in the garb of choice to battle the endeavour of the morning.  Filling a bottle with a concoction of protein powder and water, before lacing up your  running shoes and heading out the front door for a pre-dawn five mile jog before heading into the office for eight more hours of torture.  I can picture it, but I cannot fathom the joy or choice to run for fun.  It's an alien concept.

I've always been surprisingly fast for my size and shape.  I've had people challenge me in the past to race to the car or whatever, then be flabbergasted as my fat ass left them in the dust.  Unfortunately, those were in my younger years, while these days, arthritic knees and ankles in addition to prior spinal injuries pretty much prevents me from running at all.  When I am rushed, what results tends to look more like a wounded animal stumbling out of the brush than anything that resembles running.

I understand that it's fitness oriented, which is another practice that I avoid.  When forced to workout, in the past, whenever I had to rehabilitate an injury, I enjoyed it to a point, but after a couple hours of repeating the same actions, it became more of an annoyance than rehabilitating.  I've often had those "if I win the lottery" moments where I speculated that I would put a gym in my house, but in reality, would it be used or would that just end up being a space left ignored?  If I'm to be honest, I probably would use the facility if it were in the house, but even then, you'd never see my fat ass bouncing left and right as I ran on a treadmill.  Low impact or not, my knees would not hold up.

An early morning jog on the beach looks kind of refreshing, but again, unless you live there, it seems contrived.  Not only does one need to repeat the steps mentioned in the first paragraph, but now you have to add driving to a destination to execute your morning running ritual.  That's like the last walk of a prisoner headed to his own execution.  There has to be an air of resistance to the concept.  A detour into an early morning drive-thru to pick up all the things that your diet prevents you from having, like for instance, joy.  At this point, though, I can only imagine that your brain is operating on the default setting and there isn't much thinking going on.  You're just running on autopilot.

It is of my belief or creed, if you will, that one should reserve the practice of running for only emergencies, like being chased by a dog or wild animal.  Granted, they're more likely able to chase you down, but at least you have the chance to get away, plus the elevated heartrate will aid in emptying your body of blood, while the wild beast devours you.  So there's that advantage to running, I suppose. 🤔

Anytime I've witness people running, I've never once noticed a smile of anyone's face.  They chose, after all, to wake up at that ungodly hour.  They chose to run out in the brisk morning air.  They chose all the torture they inflict on themselves, so yes.  Why smile at that?  If you do cross paths with anyone who is smiling while they're running, chances are they are a deranged lunatic and I hope all this running you've been doing, has prepared you to sprint for your life before Smiley-pants knocks you over the head and drags you into a nearby bush. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is that overjoyed while running.

If you're an athlete, then of course, running is necessary, but only in short bursts.  Running for hours and hours in say, a marathon, is completely mental.  Both in execution of the task and borderline insanity.  I don't know if I've ever been that overjoyed to do anything of the like.  Like I've previously stated, it's an alien concept.  I can't wrap my head around it.  I can't understand the why, even after listening to countless people about the "benefits".  

I'm at a stage in my life where people around me are beginning to enter the twilight of their lives.  Aunts and uncles, friends and colleagues, are being diagnosed with conditions or inflictions or even dying, despite having lead healthy lives filled with exercise and good dietary habits.  Nowadays, when I hear that someone has passed away, the first thought that enters my mind, isn't that of sorrow or despair, but rather I think to myself, "They exercised and ate right and they still died.  I guess that means I don't have to do any of that, because I have the same odds of survival, regardless."  Kind of psychotic, when you think about it, but nevertheless factual.  I haven't ventured into a gym for a couple of years and that little endeavour ended with re-aggravating an old shoulder injury.

The only running I see in my future is the one I make on my deathbed. When I see that bright light open in the sky, that's when I'll make a break for it.  I'm deceivingly fast for a fat guy and I want to sprint through those Pearly Gates before they realize they fucked and I was supposed to head "south".  No take-backsies. 

The only truly accurate depiction of an early morning jogger.