Wookin' Pah Nub

Once upon a time, I worked with this girl.  She was a spectacular young woman and I was infatuated with her in so many ways. She'd, quite often, come to work with this huge infectious smile, despite whatever turmoil was going on in her life.  It was mostly boy troubles.  She'd date a guy for a week or two, completely fall for the guy, then before too long, usually a week or two, the guy would dump her.  I'm not sure why, nor did she ever go into detail as to what reasons were given to her for being dumped.  She'd be in the break room, telling of her sorrows, when I'd chime in, "It's because you date boys.  You need a man." I'd say, "You should just marry me.  We'd laugh about the suggestion and carry on with our day.

Eventually, these conversations were met with a different response.  She'd cry about a broken heart, I'd give the generic response of "Blah blah blah, boys. Need a man. Marry me.  Blah blah blah."  To which she would respond with, "Show me a ring."  Then we'd share a laugh.

One day, after I said "Marry me" and she gave me her reply, "Show me a ring." The laughter was more on her end, because the wheels were now turning in my head.  What started as a joke, was now becoming more real to me.  I began thinking to myself, "Why not me?"

Eventually, I was fired from that job, but we remained in contact.  Then on the Facebook, I learned that she had, once again, been dumped by some punk who never realized what an amazing girl he had.  Something popped in my head and I found myself at the mall, in a jewelry shop in front of the engagement rings and wedding bands.

I've never shared this with many people.  Maybe one or two, if memory serves.  I bought an engagement ring that day, along with the matching wedding band.  I fully intended on meeting with this girl, repeating the famous lines, "Dating boys. You need a man. Marry me." and when she was to reply with "Show me a ring." I was going to present her with a white gold band with a princess cut diamond, the exact ring that she'd spoken about for so long when we'd chat it up in the break room.  Unfortunately, she reconciled with the guy who had just broken her heart.  They remained together and I had no choice but to return the rings to the jewelry store and had my money refunded.

I don't know where this gal is, today.  I know she married that fool.  Had a child with him, then they divorced.  She wound up with another dude who had pursued her for a long time, but it wasn't me.  She would eventually leave Facebook and where she is today, I have no clue.  It'd be nice to see her again, but I don't think my feelings for her have remained.

I would have seriously married her.  I really thought the world of her and would never joke about matrimony.  I really, legitimately, cared for her.  In the decade or more, since, I've never really entertained the idea of entering a relationship with another female.  Nothing, in my mind, could ever compare with how I felt about this one individual.

Throughout the years, since, I've only entertained the idea of a relationship with a woman for, arguably, selfish reasons.  If my vehicle was in need of repair, I'd think, "I wish I had a girlfriend who was a mechanic." Then I'd have someone to fix my shit.  Or if I was suffering some aches and pain, I thought, "I wish I had a girlfriend who was a physiotherapist or a physician."  Or sometimes, I'd think, "It'd be cool to have a girlfriend who was also a police officer."  Handcuffs.  I'll leave that to stew in your head. 😁

I never seriously ventured down that road, though.  Romance is a two-way street and as beneficial as it would be to have a relationship with someone, of any profession, I've never considered myself that interesting of a person.  I'm opinionated and, frankly, I think most would probably frown on my world views.  Plus, it's very easy to annoy me.  If I view someone as less intelligent, many times I find myself disinterested in them.  Ignorance, is a deal breaker, as is smoking or just a shitty negative attitude.  More reasons for me to choose the bachelor lifestyle, rather than wrapping myself up in a liaison that could (and probably would) very well end badly.

Recently, I was the victim of a catfish incident.  It was the very first time that (A) my bullshit detector failed and (B) that I'd considered a relationship with a woman.  In the end, I don't know what hurt more.  The fact that this woman, who I'd been communicating with for just short of two weeks, had blatantly lied about who she was, OR that my bullshit detector had failed.  I rely on my intuition to guide me in life.  To protect myself from anything that seems too good to be true.  Every system I have in place, failed to see the bullshit that I was being force-fed.  My usual skepticism was gone and I found myself reconsidering my place in life and thinking of how I might reconfigure in order to accommodate this new relationship.  In the end, my guard rose up and I did some digging, via Google, and learned that this person was full of shit and I called them out on it.

I should have felt victorious, but in reality, I was crushed.  For a short minute, I felt validated.  I felt like I was worthy of such a high level of affection and in the end, I was just a mark that some dummy thought she could manipulate.

Today, just a month or two removed from the catfishing incident, I am alone, once more.  I no longer feel like the worthless piece of shit that I did a few short weeks ago.  I think it may be some close friends who have provided me support in the right way.  Once again, I'm entertaining the idea of seeking out love or romance, but have to overcome some obstacles before proceeding.  Even then, I'm hesitant.  I still don't find myself being overly interesting.  I'm still opinionated, but hopefully, I can meet that special someone, eventually, who I find I can't live without.  Someone who gets my jokes.  Someone who I can share and actual conversation with and not someone who just waits for their turn to talk.  I want someone who completes me, not to sound like that cheesy Tom Cruise movie.  I always loved those scenarios where a couple can spend a comfortable evening together without ever feeling the need to speak a single word, but the feeling in the air is that of eternal bliss.

In the end, if I do choose to venture out into the world and look for a meaningful relationship, finding happiness like that of (literally) everyone around me, I don't care what her vocation is, as long as she has one and it makes her happy.  I want to rid my life of confusion, clutter and negativity, so I don't want to invite someone else's problems into my life.  I do realize, however, that if anyone is out there who has her life in order, like this, that she is likely already in a successful relationship and won't be looking for some schlub who drives a bus.  Unless, I can find a lovely young miss, who also drives a bus. 😂 

   

Man On The Moon

I have the perfect body.  That is to say, that if this shitty body I have, can be defined as "perfect".  The norm would dictate otherwise, but I've come to the realization that no matter what sort of workout regiment or diet I was to commit to, my level of desirability to the opposite sex, will be null and void.  To elaborate further;  Even if I were to become the most physically fit fella in the city, I'd remain ugly as f*ck.  

No matter how much I squint, looking into the mirror, it is still my ugly mug that I see squinting back.  To be perfectly honest, I'm not even clear on the conquests I've already had in my life.  To the best of my knowledge, every one of these fantastic women have had good vision, therefore by simple deduction, I have to believe that it was charm and charisma that got me to share that special bond with them.  These days, however, I'm rarely faced with a situation that will allow me to impart my special characteristic.  It's rare that I converse with anyone at work, especially those of the female persuasion.

I was thinking the other day, that if I were the person I am today, back in high school, there's a good chance that I'd have been more popular than I was.  In high school, I was invisible.  A "living ghost" as it were.  Roaming the halls, too shy to speak to just about anyone.  I had friends, sure, but my place on the pecking order was near the bottom with the dog shit and spent chewing gum.  Whether that was the case, truly, it's how I've always perceived myself back then.

Nowadays, I don't have many opportunities to mingle with people.  Availing myself in a social situation, faced with any single women.  I've gone to the bar with friends, but really, does a person really wanna establish a relationship with some floozy who's half cut with her boobs bouncing out of her two-sizes too small shirt?  Not really.  Fun to watch from the corner of the booth, but I can't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves.  Although, as I type out these words, it would seem that I, too, have little self respect.  Not to mention that the premise of exchanging an intelligible conversation with a heavy bass pounding in the background is f*cking impossible.

I'm not that interesting, anyway.  Even with those I've already have an established friendship, I rarely have anything significant to share.  One of my best friends in the world, who ironically I only see once every few months, I never have anything that interesting to share when we do catch up.  He'll ask about what's new in my life, and I almost always have nothing to tell.  I work, I come home, I repeat.  Weekend comes and more times than not, I stay in the entire weekend.

As per my current situation of not meeting anyone, or having opportunities to engage anyone long enough to warrant a social outing of warm refreshments and a tasty meal, I suppose that's on me.  Ball's in my court, so to speak, but I honestly couldn't even tell you what sort of venues are out there for a single (unattractive) fella like me.  Go to a church?  Gimme a f*ckin' break!  Plus, I wouldn't feel right about seeing someone who believes so strongly in something that I find absolutely preposterous.  Online dating?  Not a chance.  I tried that years ago and got burned by one chick and then the other described herself as "athletic", but in reality was a chain-smoking battle tank.  I'm no prize, myself, as I've plainly pointed out, and definitely should not be throwing rocks from my glass house, but f*ck.  I'm not interested in cigarette-ash-stinkin' sibling of Jabba the Hut.

Another argument for winning the lottery would be my sudden attractiveness to women.  With a couple mill in my bank account would definitely make me much more attractive to women.  I know this is a shallow point, both on my account and theirs, but with enough zero's behind a number, would even make John Merrick* suddenly appear like Gerard Butler to the most finicky of women.  In the meantime, I think I could maybe get away with just wearing sunglasses everywhere.  Kind of like Belushi in The Blues Brothers.  Wearing my Raybans always make me feel better about myself anyway.  

The biggest frustration I feel, I think, is when I look around me and see all these other ugly motherf*ckers of equal or greater hideousness, partnered with an attractive significant other on their arm.  A special someone  with whom to spend time with, laugh with, converse with.  Someone to just be with.  That's all I'm really concerned with.  The physical aspects of any relationship is one thing, but someone to just be with.  A shoulder to lean on when the times are tough.  A smile to share a laugh with when the times are great.  I don't think that's too much to ask.  I just don't know how to do it, is all.  I believe that deep down, I'm a fairly decent guy.  I have a good job, own my house, and have an awesome head of hair.  I'm not perfect, this is true, but people seldom are.

It's been said by those who come out of a marriage and are faced with the single life once more, of having "ring rust", so to speak.  Having no idea on how to dive back into the dating pool.  I've never been married and I still have no f*cking clue....

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*John Merrick was "The Elephant Man"*