Up Close & Impersonal

Tailgaters have always been a concern for me, and I'm not talking about the team fanatics who party and whoop it up in the parking lots of their favourite sports team's stadiums.  Although, I must admit that anyone willing to paint their bare chests in team colours for the minuscule chance of jiggling their poorly proportioned bodies for fifteen seconds of national fame, does make me question their sanity.

What does concern me, however, are the countless assholes who think it necessary (and safe) to follow the vehicle in front of them all too closely.  I see this occur all the time and it bugs me.  When it happens to me, then I get real concerned, spending more time watching them in my mirror than watching the traffic in front of me.  Having suffered a car accident years ago which left me with severe whiplash, to this day, when the mercury drops, the soreness and aggravation in my neck, rises.

In the summertime, the remedy is simple.  I tap my brakes and watch the fun ensue.  More times than not, the tailgater will slam on their breaks, sometimes even losing some control over their speeding vessel.  One fella, years ago, I remember, swerved and drove into the guard rail to his left.  I snickered as I continued my travels, while he stood outside his car, assessing the damage.  Did I feel guilty?  F*ck no!  If he hadn't been traveling so close, I would never have had the need to teach him this valuable lesson.

Winter time is another story.  It seems like, around here anyway, that even though we live with winter conditions four to five months out of the calendar year, people forget how to drive on snow and ice.  They think that the same rules of physics apply to them whether the ground is heated from the summer sun or frozen solid with black ice hidden under the freshly fallen snow.  This past Wednesday was the first snowfall of the year, and I heard about, at least, a couple dozen accidents, ranging from small fender benders to vehicles flipping over in the ditch.  I never heard about any fatalities, but I wouldn't be surprised if there were.  There's no doubt in my mind that half of these incidents were the result of assholes following too closely.

What really freaked me out, occurred about two hours ago.  I was traveling home, when a big rig, an eighteen wheeler semi-truck pulled in behind me in the left-hand lane, narrowly missing my rear bumper, no less.  The guy continued to tailgate me for the next couple of miles.  As I (dangerously) increased my velocity in an attempt to increase the distance between our two significantly different vehicles, he matched my speed, maintaining what I can only estimate was about two car lengths.  A semi-truck need A LOT MORE room than that to come to a complete stop, in an idea scenario.  On the other hand, traveling at 90km/h on ice, you may as well start writing my obituary, because I don't think the quality of life after being rundown by a Freightliner would be very enjoyable.

Back-and-forth, my eyes darted.  Back-and-forth, between my rear view mirror and the road in front of me.  Finally, I noticed that some reasonable distance between us had accrued, only to be filled with more vehicles.  Now, if it were necessary to slam on my brakes, I'd be rear ended by a Toyota, an F-150 and a motherf*cking Freightliner.  That'd really make my birthday next week a memorable one.

Finally, the lucky timing of traffic lights separated us for good, like conjoined twins going their separate ways at an amusement park.  I'm sure this won't be the last time, of course.  We're only two days into the cold stuff and I'm a fairly youthful fella, so I'm sure I have another thirty of forty years of assholes who can potentially injure, maim or kill me.  Crossing my fingers that I'll dodge that bullet, too.