Everyone's lives have ups and downs. Life can be a wild ride, much like a roller coaster. Exciting at times, scary and terrifying at others. My life isn't any different than any of that, but my ups and downs have always seemed to go from one extreme to the other. Plateaus as high as Everest followed by lows as deep as the Laurentian Abyss. Thankfully, as my most bleakest of moments, when survival seemed trifle and frivolous, there was a glimmer. I glint of light that would catch my eye, capture and entrapping my attention long enough for the dark clouds to clear and life becoming bearable and easier to cope with. Things that made me smile, rather than retreating into my blackness. I'm sure many people have these moments of epiphany and clarity, but I bet very few, if any, can recall those "ah-ha" moments or what turned their lives around. I have three, that I'm willing to share.
My father died, surprisingly, seventeen years ago. I can still remember it like it happened yesterday. He was diagnosed with cancer and succumbed to his sickness within about a month and a half. Growing up and for most of my adult life, he battled the bottle. An alcoholic, he was extremely angy and violent at times. I remember coming home from school, seeing his truck was home and knowing that some shit was about to go down. Alcoholism is a sickness, of sorts. An addiction. An escape from the problems that plague one's life. In retrospect, I suppose drinking heavily was his way of coping with his own rollercoaster life.
We had our differences, fists were exchanged, but to be perfectly honest he flung more fists than I did, if I had any at all. However, years later, when my dad emerged from the bottle, quitting the drinking, he was the most fantastic person in the world. All smiles, laughter and joking. I loved to sit and chat with my dad, and I think he loved reminiscing old stories from his youth. I heard many of the stories thousands of times and loved hearing the retelling of those stories. Even today, something will spark a memory of one of those stories and I get a big grin on my face. So when he died, I felt ripped off. Robbed of all those years of my dad due to his dependence of alcohol. I was devastated and soon found myself spiraling into the abyss. Miraculously, I discovered a musical group that drew me out of my funk. Allowed me to laugh, cry and scream at the top of my lungs. Friends around me, failed to see me at my weakest and then when I became able to crawl out of my funk, disapproved of my method.
My father died, surprisingly, seventeen years ago. I can still remember it like it happened yesterday. He was diagnosed with cancer and succumbed to his sickness within about a month and a half. Growing up and for most of my adult life, he battled the bottle. An alcoholic, he was extremely angy and violent at times. I remember coming home from school, seeing his truck was home and knowing that some shit was about to go down. Alcoholism is a sickness, of sorts. An addiction. An escape from the problems that plague one's life. In retrospect, I suppose drinking heavily was his way of coping with his own rollercoaster life.
We had our differences, fists were exchanged, but to be perfectly honest he flung more fists than I did, if I had any at all. However, years later, when my dad emerged from the bottle, quitting the drinking, he was the most fantastic person in the world. All smiles, laughter and joking. I loved to sit and chat with my dad, and I think he loved reminiscing old stories from his youth. I heard many of the stories thousands of times and loved hearing the retelling of those stories. Even today, something will spark a memory of one of those stories and I get a big grin on my face. So when he died, I felt ripped off. Robbed of all those years of my dad due to his dependence of alcohol. I was devastated and soon found myself spiraling into the abyss. Miraculously, I discovered a musical group that drew me out of my funk. Allowed me to laugh, cry and scream at the top of my lungs. Friends around me, failed to see me at my weakest and then when I became able to crawl out of my funk, disapproved of my method.
Through watching professional wrestling, there were a couple of dudes in WCW, the now defunct World Championship Wrestling. Not only were the guys decent wrestlers, but they were successful rap artists, too. I speak, of course, of the Insane Clown Posse. Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope had a song called "Take It", which got my hooked and soon I was buying up all the CDs I could find. I had officially become a bonafide Juggalo. I've been a fan for seventeen years and through that time, when I felt my happiness and contentment slipping, I'd pop a CD into the player and give it a listen. The Amazing Jeckyll Brothers was my introduction CD and I'm honestly surprised that I haven't wore that one out, yet. It's definitely one of the CDs I'd want if I were stranded on a deserted island.
Fast forward to 2009, when my life went back into the toilet. Plunged deep into the furthest recesses of the sewer. It was a time when I can fully admit that I contemplated suicide. I found myself an embarrassment and a disappointment to friends and family. No amount of ICP was digging me out of that funk. I was alone to deal with my situation, struggling to inch my way back to something vaguely resembling normalcy. I was at home and plugged in the three seasons of TITUS, a comedy TV show that was based on comedian Christopher Titus' life and stand-up act. Soon I was listening to all of his comedy CDs in the car and in his own way, unbeknownst to him, he saved my life. Titus never strays from how fucked up his life got to be at times, but he survived. My life was fucked up, too, in different ways. No more, no less fucked up than what his life was. He survived and through his comedy and ability to laugh at the problems, I survived. No more sadness, feeling of unworthiness and especially, no more suicidal thoughts.
A couple years ago, it happened again. I'd had an accident at work, resulting in three crushed vertebrae, a mouthful of smashed teeth and uncertainty for what my future held. I was struggling to go to sleep one night, hopped up on pain medications and lying in bed. To occupy my time, I was listening to Doug Benson's "Doug Loves Movies" podcast and there was a comedian on the show, whom I was unfamiliar with, but this guy was fun, jovial and had a laugh unlike anyone I've ever known. My dad had a tremendous laugh when you got him going, but that pales in comparison to this comedian.
I soon binged on as much Bert Kreischer and I could humanly consume. I found his stand-up on YouTube, discovered his
My shitty life has plunged once more. The worst it's ever been. Everyday I desperately fight and struggle, clenching, scraping and crawling mere inches, fighting just to make ends meet. This is the absolute worst I've been since the death of my father, seventeen years ago. I'm so unbelievably broke that my bills are literally a juggling act. I've compared it to that circus act of spinning plates. I'm struggling to get thirty plates spinning and just as I think I'm getting ahead, one or two of the proverbial plates come crashing down. I was unprepared for this level of strife in my life. Of course, it's this time that I learn that the Insane Clown Posse was coming to town. Tomorrow, in fact. When all else seems bleak, I know ICP would help me see the light, but due to financial instabilities I came to terms with not going to see my Juggalo mentors.
The other day, my friend texted me and offered me up his ticket. Sadly, he's unable to attend and knows how much I'd love and appreciate going to this show. I'm not a religious person, by any means, but this is like divine intervention. Like the hand of a higher power reached down and gifted me this opportunity. My friend, who can't go, who gave me his ticket, is a truly great friend. We often disagree on some social commentary, but in the end, he's an awesome guy and I aspire to be as generous as he is.
Every time I turn around, it seems like I'm getting violently kicked in the nuts and yesterday I took another major hit to the nuts, but I'm going to see the Insane Clown Posse tomorrow night. Despite all that's going on right now... Life is good.
The other day, my friend texted me and offered me up his ticket. Sadly, he's unable to attend and knows how much I'd love and appreciate going to this show. I'm not a religious person, by any means, but this is like divine intervention. Like the hand of a higher power reached down and gifted me this opportunity. My friend, who can't go, who gave me his ticket, is a truly great friend. We often disagree on some social commentary, but in the end, he's an awesome guy and I aspire to be as generous as he is.
Every time I turn around, it seems like I'm getting violently kicked in the nuts and yesterday I took another major hit to the nuts, but I'm going to see the Insane Clown Posse tomorrow night. Despite all that's going on right now... Life is good.
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