What Is "It"?

For  decades, I have been a fan of the song "In The Air Tonight" by former Genesis band member, Philip David James Collins, known the world over as simply Phil Collins. However, there's nothing simple about the man.  He's a drummer, singer, song writer and producer, and even an actor, having appeared on the television show "Miami Vice" and later starred in his own film called "Buster".  He has appeared in tons of movies, television programs and even appeared as a version of himself in the Grand Theft Auto game series.  He's accomplished way more than the likes of this little blog can report, but if you're interested, there is a plethora of material available online that you can peruse at your own leisure.  It's a fascinating read, for sure.  What I recall about Phil Collins, other than he once described himself as an "exterior decorator", meaning, he painted houses in his youth.  That description made me laugh and I always recall it when I see anyone painting a house.  That aside, I also remember Phil Collins famously performed at Live Aid on July 13th, 1985, playing both the London, England venue as well as the show in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.  He performed at one, hopped on the Concorde, which flew at supersonic speed, and arrived in Philly in time to perform before the close of the live concert.  That's a hell of a feat, if you ask me.

Phil Collins has had more hit singles than I can count, both as a member of Genesis as well as a solo artist.  One of his biggest songs is from 1981 from his debut solo album, Face Value and was it's second release following the song, "I Missed Again" and is arguably one of his biggest hits of all time.  That song being "In The Air Tonight". 

The song is slow and melodic, with a drum beat that resembles a calm heartbeat that almost feels hypnotic with a sharp guitar riff peppered in at the right moments to wake us from the relaxing rhythmic sounds.  It isn't until two thirds of the way through the song that Phil hits us with a hammering drum solo, jolting us from the calmness of the song to the rocking anthem it has always been.

In the song, Phil famously repeats the line, "I can feel it coming in the air tonight. Oh Lord. I've been waiting for this moment for all my life."  He even asks us, the listener, "Can you feel it coming in the air tonight?"

I've heard this song more times than I can count.  At this point it'd be like reciting pi, it's been that many times and not once did I stop to question, "What is it that he feels coming in the air tonight?"  Or any night, for that matter?  This morning I decided to find out and to my surprise...  Nobody knows.  Not even Phil Collins himself, know what "it" is that he felt coming in the air.

When asked Phil Collins simply stated that he left that he intentionally left that open for interpretation.  In interviews over the years, He repeatedly reported that the lyrics were entirely improvised during a studio session following a painful divorce from his first wife, Andrea Bertorelli and though he wrote and recorded the song and having performed it thousands of times for his adoring fans, in the end, he doesn't know the exact meaning himself.

Last week, I wrote a blog about "Divine Intervention", and perhaps this is another example of that.  Phil Collins sat with a group of musicians in a recording studio, his heart grieving over the dissolution of his marriage.  Expressing suppressed pain spontaneously through music has been a well-documented psychological phenomenon.  During that session of just messing around on his drum kit and riffing with his band, Phil Collins not only had a cathartic moment, but had the wherewithal to record said song and we are all glad he did. 

The song "In The Air Tonight" did not reach the pinnacle heights that several of his other hits did, reaching only Number 2 on the UK charts and a measly Number 19 on the US Billboard Hot 100, but it's moved far beyond what any charts would indicate.  It's a moving piece that has generations singing along, all the while none of us knows what exactly "it" is, but according to Phil, it's up to us, the listener, to figure out what "it" means for ourselves.

Intervening Divinity

 

Anyone who truly knows me, knows that I am not a religious person.  In fact, I recently had a conversation with a therapist I've been seeing since Monkey passed away and we came to the same conclusion, more or less.  She's helped me a lot over the past few months.  She's helped me through the grief and loss I was feeling then on into the stresses I've experienced through work and life in general.  I know I show a air of confidence and accomplishment, but down deep, behind the face paint, I am a wreck.  That, however, is not the subject of this blog today.

It's been a long while since recording my thoughts and feelings in blog form.  Truthfully, I've not been all that inspired to share my thoughts on many subjects.  Plus given my constraints on my memory, many of the times that I am inspired to write, I forget by the time I am at home and those fleeting thoughts are lost to the ether.

In recent times, I've been plagued, in a good way, by the number 1129.  I like this number as it is my birthdate, November 29th.  But the context that I often see it is not on a calendar, but in signs or clocks or just our of the blue.  It's inexplicable, but a number of years ago, my sister was reading some kind of journal on numerology and so I asked her what or why I kept seeing this number, 1129?  She looked through her book and returned with the answer that it was my guiding angel.  That when times were tough for me, my guiding angel would communicate to me using that significant number, ensuring me that everything would be okay and that I was in the right place at that particular time.  I found reassurance in that explanation and I'd be lying if I said that was never the case.  It seems like I see the number 1129 whenever I get highly agitated or experience an anxious moment.  Just seeing that number puts my mind and my heart at ease.  I know not what my guiding angel's real name is, but I often will communicate with it using the name "1129".  Thanking it for it's reassurance.  It makes me feel safe and comfortable. When things go bad and I feel overwhelmed, I'll see that number and know that I'm on the right path.  I was relieved yesterday when something terrible had occurred.  That is what this blog is about, today.

For years, I've been depending on my cellphone to wake me up in the morning.  I can set it to the precise minute and it awakens me with a soothing melody rather than a harsh jolting sound that the alarm clock makes that is an abrasive unmerciful racket that jars one awake from an otherwise peaceful relaxing sleep.  I much prefer the sound of a sweet melody that wakes me up like a warm hug from a loved one and would assume that many people do also.  Yesterday morning, however, I experienced neither of those sounds.  Instead, my alarm was somehow turned off completely and I was awoken by one of my cats, Cheddar, at a quarter past five in the morning.  I never turned the alarm off myself, as I strategically have my phone halfway across the room.  In order to turn the alarm off, I would have to get up out of bed, walk over to my phone.  Swipe to unlock then find the app.  Press and physically press the on/off button to shut off the alarm.  Then back out of everything, lay it back on the table and walk back to bed.  As terrible as my memory is, I'm afraid I would remember doing that entire sequence of events.

I jumped out of bed in a panic.  A quarter past five in the morning, the precise time when I would normally be leaving my house for work.  That early in the morning, there is little to no traffic so getting across town to work is easily accomplished.  Now factoring in that I need to get dressed, feed the boys, take my menagerie of medications and rush out the door, is putting a hell of a strain on things.

I had called the dispatch right away expressing that I would be a few minutes late and after performing my morning rituals with great haste, I managed to arrive at work just four minutes overdue.  Unfortunately, the practice at my work is that if failure to arrive on time occurs, then my work, my bus route, goes to someone else.  Therefore I was given a different piece of work.  A different bus route to drive yesterday.  And given that I'm currently working half days because of a shoulder injury, it would just be that single work piece in the morning.

It was kind of refreshing to drive a different route, if I'm being honest. A pleasant break from the norm.  Plus, I got to drive one of the articulating buses, which is one of those long sixty foot buses that bend in the middle. Intimidating to the those who can be easily overwhelmed, in all actuality, I find them much easier to drive than the standard forty foot buses.  I caught a ride from another bus driver who was headed to the university where I had to take over the bus on the route, and the driver had his radio on the Supervisors' channel.  That's when I heard that Warman Road, one of  the main streets that my normal route is on, was closed due to construction and was impassible. The necessary detour that was required to circumvent the blocked street sounded terrible and would add many minutes of tardiness to the scheduling of the route.  It sounded terrible and highly stressful.  I could hear the agitation and frenzy in their voice and it was at that moment that I was truly thankful to not be driving my normal route, and also when I began suspecting some sort of divine intervention.  I thought, "What if?"  What if 1129 had stepped in that morning, manipulating my phone just enough to turn the alarm off, thus forcing me to be late, forcing me on a different route as a result an ultimately saving me from a potential peril.  An unfortunate crash, a terrible injury or much much worse?

I do not believe in coincidences.  I never have and don't truly believe that it exists. I believe only in cause and effect and maybe the odd fluke peppered in once in a while.  So while the driver who took over my route that morning wasn't caught in a situation where they might have been injured or worse, there's no guarantee that if I were in their place that maybe my fate would not be as fortunate?  What if my alarm had gone off as usual and I arrived at work to take my bus out only to be killed at some point during the morning?  It could happen.  There are no "good drivers" anymore, but there's no way of knowing for sure.  However, when you factor in that the alarm had failed in a basically impossible manner, one can't help but think of some kind of divine intervention or fluke to have occurred.

I had a pleasant experience driving that route and when I was finished, I made my way back across town to retrieve my truck and resume the rest of my day.  Ironically, when I started my truck, the clock read 11:29 on the information screen.  As soon as I saw that I knew that, despite my lack of faith in spirituality and the gospel, my strong belief in my guardian angel overrided the situation and further convinced me of the existence of 1129, my guardian who protects and guides me through this life.

I don't know what to make of yesterday.  It was different, but seemed refreshing after all is said and done.  I'm still here.  I'm still as healthy as I was the day before. I am still a cat-daddy to two wonderful and interesting boys and they, Butters and Cheddar, weren't abruptly orphaned.  

When I was at the convenience store on Campus, where my route takes me, I went to perform my usual ritual of buying the $21 Triple Pack that I normally purchase, only this time the light hit the $25 Classic Pack that includes tickets for the Western lotteries.  I don't usually buy those, for whatever reason, opting for the larger jackpots. I don't know if I was victorious on any of those additional tickets and likely won't find out for a couple months as I seem to allow my ticket purchases to compound and pile up before I take them to be checked and cashed in.  

For now, I am comfortable and content.  I survived whatever fate had instore for me on September 18th, 2026.  I used to allow a lot of shit to get me down and for a long time I promoted the idea of: "Praise The Positive".  After Monkey died in October of last year, I was lost.  I failed to praise anything, let alone positivity.  Only recently, I feel that I've been steered back on track.  Moseying down the right path, heading toward my destiny with a trusted presence, 1129, by my side.  I feel truly blessed.  I wish you all who took the time to read this belated blog, many blessings as well.  All the best.

Bully

Today, February 26th, 2025 is being touted as Pink Shirt Day, in which people wear Pink Shirts to raise awareness and funding for anti-bullying initiatives.  I did not participate for a couple of reasons.  First and foremost, I do not own a pink T-shirt.  I realize that I probably could have purchased one from work as they really seem to embrace all these causes and alike.  I don't understand all of them and often choose not to participate and at risk of sounding like an asshole, I chose not to participate in this display of solidarity, either.

The second reason I chose not to participate in this endeavour, today, is the fact that I don't see bullying as all that bad.  Before you start throwing hate my way, please know that I do not endorse bullying either.  I just feel that it has it's place in our society and when used properly, it can be beneficial to both parties. 

"How am I a better person for having been bullied?" you ask.  Well...  I, for one, would never have turned out to be the incredible person that I am today, had I not been bullied relentlessly as a kid.  I was bullied by older kids at school.  I was a small kid, so the bigger kids my own age would pick on me, too.  Not to mention my home life, at times (most times) was kinda shitty, being bullied by an alcoholic father.  As well as, just strangers.  They see a small kid and they're going to victimize that kid.  It's natural selection.  Was it all bad?  I guess at the time it was quite devastating.  Especially from my dad, but in retrospect, I can see where I was kind of a f*ck up in his eyes.  That aside, I learned from being picked on and bullied. I used that mental and physical anguish as fuel to shape who I would eventually become.

IF, I had gone through my years without the bullying and lived a sheltered life like the kids today do, who knows what kind of an asshole I may have become?  I admit that, yes, I am somewhat of an asshole, today, but dialed down because of being humbled by bullies my whole life.  I'd be unbearable if I had been sheltered and coddled like the kids today.

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you view it, I did not have social media as a kid, so I cannot speak with any degree of authority on the perils of being bullied nonstop, 24/7, via Facebook, Twitter and the Tik Tok.  Hell, as an adult, I get hammered on by idiots, usually uneducated idiots, so I consider the source, but it's an experience that, doesn't bother me in the sense that it offends me, but it's just a pain in the ass to have to educate these morons.  Does that make me a bully for calling them idiots?  Not when regarding the hateful shit I endure sometimes. 

So, I guess perhaps, initiatives are helpful for those too soft to accept their bullying as a tool to better themselves, is warranted.  People, these days, aren't as strong, mentally, as they once were.  Not everyone, especially today's youth, can appreciate the forest for the trees.

I was bullied heavy, when I was a kid.  I remember entering the ninth grade and a twelfth grader would just bully me relentlessly and would not let up, even when his buddy would tell him to stop, he wouldn't.  I was a pipsqueak when I entered high school and this guy didn't like that I was so small.  All these years later, I imagine I would tower over that asshole, today.  He'd be whistling another tune, that's for sure.  But I digress.

I stated above that bullying is beneficial to both parties.  On one hand, the bully gets to do something they enjoy and that's something we all want in our lives.  The person being bullied, gets to learn about their shortcomings and what to work on to better themselves.  Then later in life, when the bullied person is rich and successful, they can gloat over the bully when they're pumping gas or whatever dead end job they wound up doing.  Bullies often piss their lives away, but also, in some rare cases, a bullied person can snap and beat the ever-lovin' shit out of the bully, then everyone wins.  Except maybe the bully, but...  Blah blah blah, something about broken eggs.

Fire Brigade

 

First of all, my heart goes out to all those who lost their homes and property in the California wildfires.  I would never wish that horror on anyone, no matter what our differences are.  It's crazy to think all is well one moment then over the course of a few minutes, you find yourself grabbing all that you can to evacuate your home.  Leaving all your possessions and memories behind with little more than prayers and hope that when you return that everything will still be there.

That being said, I am in no way a pyromaniac, however I do pray on occasion for the odd house fire. This is ONLY when I see a car parked in front of a hydrant.  It should go without saying, that such practice should never be executed, but there are those idiots out there who either think the laws don't apply to them or they're much too oblivious to their surroundings to realize that they've parked in front of a fire hydrant.  In either case, regardless, I love to see the aftermath when firefighters arrive on scene only to discover that their efforts are being thwarted by a vacant sedan.

I've only seen pictures of how firefighters handle the problem of a car blocking access to a fire hydrant.  I've never had the privilege or joy of seeing the owner of the vehicle return to leave only to discover a fire hose threaded through the now shattered glass of their car.  I wonder if they raise a stink about it?  Whether they accept responsibility for their stupidity or not.  Do they ever confront the firemen about the situation or do the police need to get involved.  Obviously some sort of citation needs to be issued.  

Oh to be a fly on the wall for that conversation.  To witness the arrogance of the culprit who would complain and protest that they're being treated unfairly when in reality, it was their own stupidity.  I love seeing arrogant people put in their place.  It's awesome and is always sure to put a smile on my face. 😁

#PraiseThePositive

The Road To Dystopia

It was a Sunday, late afternoon.  I'd gotten off work and was invited to a nearby bar where a collection of fellow employees were gathering to watch a WWE (then WWF) Pay-Per-View.  I don't recall many, if any of the matches on the card as only one epic match comes to mind and it was SO over the top, literally, that it shadowed everything else.  I've heard in interviews by the participants of the match that followed, Stone Cold Steve Austin versus The Big Red Machine, Kane, that when they saw the preceding match, they all but gave up on trying to make their match memorable.  The match I speak of is none other than Mankind (Mick Foley) versus The Undertaker in a Hell In A Cell match and if you know your history, you know exactly the match I'm referring to.

While exchanging blows atop of the steel cage, at what seemed like a spur of the moment decision, Undertaker grabs a hold of Foley and tosses him off the top of the cage.  To say this was the defining moment of the match is difficult to say as what would follow was equally as devastating and exhilarating to watch all at the same time.  It's a story that's been told a million times, at great length and detail by both participants so I'm not going to bother.  Google it.  It's quite a spectacle.

The reason I mention this moment in sports history, is that I wasn't present to witness this as it unfolded.  I've only watched this in replays for my entire existence, just as you are seeing it happen in the GIF to my right.  For as I had stated, we were in a bar and we had all ordered food and just as I was paying the waitress who happened to be standing between myself and the video screen so my only reference to the moment itself is the whole crowd roaring in disbelief.  It was truly a historical moment that I will never get to reflect on.

I am proud to say that I was present and accounted for, both in body and mind, to witness the Birth of Austin 3:16.  It was the 1996 King of the Ring Tournament, back when it meant something.  Now, I can't recall all the details, they are somewhat fuzzy, but the Coles Notes version is Stone Cold Steve Austin had gone to the hospital for an injury sustained earlier in the day, but when he returned he was told about an interview that Jake The Snake Roberts had given earlier aimed at his pending match with Austin.  Roberts, who at the time was a recovering addict in a 12-Step program was adding proverbs and alike to his speeches and this further aggravated a powder keg of a human being and long story short, Stone Cold stomped the hell outta the man.  In the interview that followed with former Freebird, Michael Hayes, Austin began chastising Roberts, "You talk about your Psalms and your John 3:16.  Well AUSTIN 3:16 says I just whooped your ass!"

You always hear people retell of what they were doing or where they were when historical moments go down.  I remember being a kid in school hearing about the assassination attempt on President Ronald Reagan.  I recall coming home from a music festival to learn that Princess Diana had died in a tragic motor vehicle collision.  I remember vividly what was happening when I heard that Andre The Giant had died and I remember being parked on the side of the road, my eyes fixed on the radio as the commentator reported that the first Tower had collapsed in New York City on September 11th, 2001.  So when the opportunity came for me, a Canadian, to sit down and watch the Presidential Inauguration in 2021, I made it a point to watch as it was HISTORY happening in REAL TIME.

The Inauguration, to me, was monumental.  The United States and, let's be frank, the entire world was affected by the Donald Trump "presidency" and not in a positive way.  They were dark times, I feel.  Especially, considering the handling of the pandemic, but I'm not here to complain about the obvious, but when the Democratic Party thwarted the intentions of the Dark Republic, there was an air of hope.  That the storm had passed and better days lay ahead.

This was not the sole reason for my tuning in.  No.  This was a historic moment.  America was getting their first female Vice President.  An honourable woman of stature, grace, intelligence and compassion.  I felt America had gotten it right, for a change and as she raised her hand to accept the Presidential Oath of Office, I had tears streaming down my face.  Tears of joy and pride.  Thoughts that maybe things would be okay and in the months and years that followed, things did get better.  Things did seem okay, even with the darkness on the horizon, we as a world collective felt the dark times were behind us all. That the four year hiatus between 2017 and 2020 was nothing more than a tarnished memory and an asterisk in the history books.

Knowing not to count my chickens before they hatch I didn't believe the 2024 election would turn out the way it did.  The Blue Wave seemed real.  The voices were being heard and hope was on the horizon.  I knew that Kamala Harris had a fight ahead of her and who knows, maybe if she'd had the two or more years to campaign like her opponent, she would have faired better.  While I was preparing to celebrate, I was dumbfounded by the overwhelming outcome which was....  Words cannot describe the level of frustration and confusion that I possess.  I know common sense hasn't really existed for quite some time, but holy fuck.

Think about this:  A convicted criminal is not allowed to vote in any election, yet a convicted criminal has been elected as the 47th President of the United States of America.  What the fuck is wrong with the logic of these voters.  And it's only now that the truth behind the rhetoric that Trump and his MAGA maniacs were spouting IS confirmed.  All the "lies" that they denied are now being confirmed by those same people and the voters are realizing this now, 48 and 72 hours later, they wish they'd checked the other box.  Sorry, there are no mulligans here.  I genuinely feel bad for those who voted for Harriz/Walz and lost, but I hold them as equally responsible because they could have done more to educate those who were clueless.

Following his victory in 2016, I began to reference the Mad Max movie series.  I remember watching these films as a kid and wondering: What must have happened in the world to scorch the earth like this.  Then the Trump/Pence regime began and it began to become clear as to what sort of governmental management would cause a violent dystopia like that depicted in these films.  I hope and pray that it doesn't get this bad, but when you consider the stance and campaign promises that Trump and Vance has made for the future of the United States of America, a violent society isn't that far from belief.

I am not a religious person by any means, but I may reconsider that belief in the coming years.  I am literally sick to my stomach and fearful.  That's not a healthy way to live.  As a Canadian, especially one whose country at the moment is at a crossroads itself with less than honourable representation in Ottawa, I fear for the future of Canada and if truth be known, I would not put it past Trump to turn and take inspiration from his buddy Vladimir Putin and invade Canada for our resources.  Oil, Water, Potash and Maple Syrup.  The last was meant as a joke, but given how much of the golden syrup is supplied to the world, I would not be surprised if that Tangerine Tyrant would, in fact, invade Canada.

I'm going to close my eyes, clasp my hands and praise the positive.  It's just about the only hope I have left.

Nutty Professionals

The evening ended much like every other has, this past summer, falling asleep in the armchair in front of the TV.  Prior to my departure into dreamland, I had been watching the latest "Battle of the Brands" (c/o UpUpDownDown on YouTube) where the two hosts, Austin Creed, aka Xavier Woods in the WWE and Tyler Breeze, a former WWE Superstar.  In the video, as they are preparing their individual Raw and ECW matches they get to talking about all sorts of subjects.  One subject in particular that has recurred over the past year or so, was whether or not Creed had seen the 1996 version of "The Nutty Professor" starring Eddie Murphy.  They make no mention of the original 1963 version starring Jerry Lewis.  To be honest, I doubt these young fellas are even aware that Murphy's Professor is a remake.

I will openly admit that I never found the Eddie Murphy remake to be all that funny, but Tyler Breeze sure believes that it's one of the funniest movies ever, if not THEE funniest.  Creed had never seen the film, nor had intended to do so, but after repeated urging, Creed finally succumbed to pressure and watched the film. 

The two discuss the film briefly before Creed explains to their streaming viewers the premise of the Nutty Professor film, associating it with an episode of the ABC comedy, "Family Matters" in which the nerdy character, Steve Erkel takes a potion that magically turns him into the suave Stephan.  A similar storyline to the original Nutty Professor where a geeky Jerry Lewis drinks a chemical concoction that turns him into Buddy Love, a handsome and charming ladies man, a direct opposite to the professor.  Murphy's version is about a self-conscious overweight man who turns himself into a sexy suave ladies' man.  Both films and the Erkel episode are all loosely based on the 1886 novella, "The Strange Case of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde" by author Robert Louis Stevenson.

Of course, while the duo are setting up their games, there's music playing in the background and the music for Dude Love begins to play and like a bolt of lightning from the Heavens above, I was suddenly stricken with a stroke of brilliance and theorized that the Three Faces of Foley, Mankind, Cactus Jack and Dude Love are similar to the Nutty Professor and Jeckyll and Hyde stories. 

For those unaware, retired professional wrestler, Mick Foley, portrayed three characters throughout his legendary wrestling career.  Cactus Jack, Mankind and Dude Love and in my hypothesis; Cactus Jack was the perfect specimen in the fact that he was tough and good with the ladies.  Cactus is comfortable in his body and nothing will phase the man.  

Mankind, while being tough as nails, unafraid of anything including monsters and beasts as well as barbed wire and thumbtacks, but there was an awkwardness to Mankind.  Around people, he didn't seem comfortable.  You'd never see Mankind hanging out in catering with the other wrestling superstars, but instead in the darkened corners of the boiler room or hiding in the rafters.  Though Mankind didn't mingle well with his brethren, he was especially elusive to the fairer sex.  Though never witnessed on film, I speculate that Mankind shied away from the ladies.

Enter Dude Love.  Dude was every bit as tough in the ring as Cactus Jack and Mankind, but he was also really good with the ladies.  Often, Dude Love could be seen with a lovely lady on each arm.  Foley's version of the ladies man, however, differed greatly from his Nutty Professor counterparts, for The Dude was always charming and respectful, while the two versions of Buddy Love would turn out to be narcissistic arrogant assholes.  Traits not portrayed by Mick Foley, no matter what the instance.

I've never watched the 1963 version of the Nutty Professor and I'm almost certain that the humour showcased in that film would not hold up for my twisted sense of humour, these days, nor do I believe that another viewing of the Eddie Murphy version would change my mind on how terrible I found the film.  As for Mick Foley...  Well, I had the pleasure of meeting the man a few years ago, shaking his hand and posing for a photo of the living legend.  I sometimes muse at the fact that he "stole" my gold marker.  I had brought a special GOLD Sharpie for his autographs, as I had brought a number of items to be signed.  Books and action figures.  He asked if I was planning to resell the items I was getting autographed, as that's something that people do, but I assured him that they would not be leaving my possession ever.  I may have even mentioned being buried with the items.

It is often said that you should "never meet your heroes" as you're often disappointed in who they actually are away from TV or whatever the case may be and while, this has happened to me before (Lita - and I hold a grudge), Mick Foley was probably one of the nicest people I've ever met.  Probably one of the nicest people on the planet, if I'm being honest.

The Man. The Legend.
 Mick Foley

Lurking In The Shadows

 

I like this photograph of my cat, Monkey, taken from behind as he gazes upon his court.  The light casting a mighty shadow so that we fail to see the intricate designs of his striped back, replacing it with darkness and mystery.

The other morning as I drove to work, I'd just rounded the corner from my street onto the main drag that takes me westward.  Like so many mornings before, I saw a couple rabbits scampering across the street into the adjacent park.  It's a large park, large enough that a small group of rabbits could probably live long happy lives there without ever having to leave the safety of it's perimeter.  "Be careful, rabbits." I always say.  In addition to the lively scampering of this indigenous wildlife, sadly I also see many tattered corpses that didn't fair too well crossing the boulevard.

I got to thinking, driving up the street, listening to whatever was on the radio at the time, "What DO rabbits do all day?"  Good question, right?  The sun breaks through the morning dawn, shining light down on the world and these rabbits awaken from their slumber and begin foraging for food.  Do they do that all day long?  Just eat, sleep, and shit.  Then my thoughts came back to something, or someone, dear to my heart.  My boy, Monkey.  What does he do, all day long? 

Same thing, only there's four walls and a roof protecting him from the elements and possible predation.  That aside, he lives the same mundane life as those rabbits.  Eat, sleep, shit, repeat.  Only advantage Monkey has over the rabbits, aside from the structure that he resides in, is guaranteed meals and snuggle time with yours truly, Daddy.

There are times, however, when I'm home and I cannot find that cat anywhere.  It's like he just vaporizes then reappears when it's convenient.  It's magical.  Does Monkey have special abilities that he's hiding from me?  Am I not trustworthy enough to keep his secrets?

The other night I was having trouble going to sleep.  For the fourteen years that Monkey has been alive and living with me, we always go to bed at the same time, snuggle a little before I doze off and he retires to his corner at the foot of the bed.  So when I wake up in the middle of the night, I can glance down and see his shadowy form snoring in the corner and all feels right and I'm able to fall back asleep with ease.  On this particular night, just three sleeps ago, I woke up and Monkey was nowhere to be seen.  I got up to get a drink from the fridge and in my travels, failed to see Monkey lying in any of his preferred spots that pepper the household.  It wasn't until nearly a half hour later that I felt him jump onto the bed, murmur a little meow of acknowledgement and returned to his corner, like nothing had transpired.

I rolled up next to him and started stroking his back, from neck to tail and chatting him up.  I asked questions like "Where do you go?" and "What are you doing?"  Then mid-query, I realized something imperative.  If you look at the distinctive markings on Monkey's face, it's almost too obvious.  Much like Clark Kent wears a cheap pair of glasses to hide the fact that he's actually Superman, Monkey hides his secret identity by looking like a cute kitty cat with that unique triangular white patch on his face.

(Please forgive me for getting off-topic, but HOW stupid are the people in Metropolis that they can't see through that shitty disguise?)

I'm lying next to my cat, on top of the covers, stroking his fur and listening to his gentle rhythmic purr when I realized, "I've never seen Batman and Monkey in the same room...  I wonder.  Is it possible?"  All those nights when I came downstairs because he was absent and I did see him, seated on the back to the armchair, gazing out over his world, looking for neerdowells and riff-raff, poised to leap into hand-to-hand combat at a moments notice.

If you take a moment to really look and analyze the pictures of the Caped Crusader versus Monkey, you'll have to agree the resemblance is uncanny.  I think my cat is a superhero, watching over and protecting his land.  If he chooses not to share that life and burden with me, then I'm sure Monkey has his reasons.  Perhaps it's out of love and wishes to protect me from those who wish to do him harm.  I can appreciate that and I thank him for the security he provides.

No More Mister Nice Guy

On the first day of January, twenty-twenty-four, I made a New Year's Resolution, much like most people pledge for the start of a new year and much like those people, that personal change has fallen by the wayside and is no more than a fleeting goal that just seemed too insurmountable to maintain.  My resolution seemed to be simple.  It was all internal and never depended on anyone's input.  Or so I thought.  On January 1st, of this year, I promised myself to be more positive.  To have a better attitude.  To not stress over the small shit.  I stated that I would be nicer to people and to be much kinder to myself, meaning I would end the self-deprecation that I often find myself doing.  It's a defense mechanism used by bullied kids for, what I would assume, ions.  The strategy of making fun of myself before the bullies had anything to say.  On the surface, one would believe that by stating (obviously false) shortcomings about oneself, that the bullies would be discouraged from making fun of you themselves and that it would hurt less.  I can say from experience, that this works for the moment, but over time it becomes a terrible habit and I wouldn't recommend it.

After much deliberation over my current state of affairs and I've come to realize that, while I have, for the most part, ceased to make self-deprecating comments about myself, that on the whole, I am not a nice guy.  In stating this observation, I can hear in my head the voices of a handful of friends and colleagues who may disagree and input their belief, "Nah.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  You're a good guy."  I get it.  I'm not claiming to be an asshole 24/7, but I'm not the nicest fella to a lot of people, which stems, in my opinion from a personality trait that I've been meaning to write a blog about, but haven't up to this point.  Who knows?  Maybe this tirade will inspire me to write that literary piece next.

I am fairly certain that I did manage to maintain a level of positivity for more than a month and I never really felt anything negative until late February, probably following the head-on collision, when I began to falter and meander off the track of having a good attitude and I believe it was work that forced me to spiral into the abyss of negativity and anger.

As a transit operator, we get to re-sign different routes to work over a two or three month stint.  It's nice, because you're not necessarily forced to repeat the same mundane work year-in and year-out, like so many jobs I've endured in the past.  A new driver will have less desirable choices over the more established and seasoned drivers with years of seniority, but I've moved up the ranks over the last couple years and while I don't always get the golden routes, I do okay.  This last sign-up, I chose what I thought was the lesser of all evils when I signed it, but I've quickly learned that I was incorrect in that assessment and come next sign-up, I will not be taking this route again.

On paper, Route 60 is easy, but in reality, it is SO stressful.  Not the scheduling, but the riders.  I don't want to be flagged for insensitivity, but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...you know.  Duck!  Many of these folks are of a questionable ethic.  Most are super-poor and super-duper-angry and will not hesitate to take their frustrations out on a driver.  It's very difficult to maintain a good attitude when constantly being bombarded by criticism.  It's like when I was a kid, being cornered in the kitchen and yelled at by my alcoholic father who would use every putdown he could concoct to fire at me and, at the time, I knew these accusations to be false, after constant hate-bombs being dropped on my head, false or not, a weakened mind will succumb to those accusations.  So in this instance, while constantly being called a racist, I know this to be untrue, yet it does wear a person down over time and sadly, this chipped away my defenses quick.

I am not a nice guy, over all, and yes, I hear those opposing voices in my head, but I'm a better actor.  I can successfully mask malcontent so those around me are blinded by what's really going on.  Hell.  I've been wearing a mask for decades.  Not a single person I know would confirm that I am depressed almost all of the time.  Saddened by my lot in life.  Bothered that I haven't achieved this or that.  I sometimes feel I don't contribute enough.  I am weakened by the idea that I am unable to take care of my mother in her golden years.  I hear her voicing her concerns about her life and burdens and I feel helpless, further spiraling my psyche.  I hide my shit really well.

I've found videos on YouTube that claim to fix this or enhance that quality about yourself.  They advise that the viewer simply get settled, relax in a comfortable position and play the video, whose sound and music is infused with subliminal messages of affirmation and goodness.  I'm guilty of trying several of these videos in a desperate attempt to cleanse myself of the hate and sadness that I feel pumping through my veins, replacing my shitty attitude with warmth and empathy.  I want to be nice, it's just so hard to do when I'm surrounded by idiocy.  It wears me down, dude!  The videos and subliminal messages are of some concern, however.  How do I know that the affirmations are factual and they're not actually convincing the thousands of desperate souls who have viewed the videos to give up their life savings and shit.  Or perhaps, because I'm entering the experience with a piss-poor attitude already and that attribute combined with the messaging all get twisted in a spaghetti ball of confusion.

I know not what the answer to this dilemma is.  The best I can do is identify when I'm having a dark moment, acknowledge it, find a splinter of positivity and hope it's enough to bring me into the light once again.  There is power in positivity.  I have felt it.  I have had periods where I was happy and joyful and the world was my oyster.  Waves of good fortune would come my way, leaving onlookers in the wake of disbelief.  It's just the question of HOW to maintain that attitude.  I don't know what that method is, yet, but when I do, I will share.  As for now, I only have another six weeks of driving that shitty route, then I will bale on it like rats off a sinking ship.  Sounds selfish, but it'll be someone else's problem and I hope they're able to deal with the negativity on that line better than I can.

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Tormented

Growing up, I was small.  A skinny little kid with bad asthma.  A weakling that the bigger and tougher kids viewed as easy prey.  I can remember being picked on and teased on the school bus, many times by those who would turn around and be my best mate once we were off the bus.  Growing up is a confusing time, to say the least.

My school, at the time, only went up to Grade Six.  Grades Six and Seven were to take place at another school a few blocks away where I, again, was bullied by the bigger and now older kids.  One kid, Jimmy, was fourteen or fifteen years old, still in the seventh grade.  I remember Jimmy having it in for me, then he "moved" away for a few months.  When Jimmy returned, he was all smiles and nice to me..., for the first day, then the terrorizing commenced.  Later we'd come to learn that Jimmy hadn't moved away so much as he was incarcerated for the duration of his absence.  I guess this was my first glimpse into the darker side of life.

High school was no different.  I entered high school, again, as this skinny little weakling which drew the attention of another bully.  This time it was a seventeen or eighteen year old kid with a shitty little hint of a mustache growing on his upper lip, who took an interest in, not only bullying me, but tormenting me to the point where I was fearful to attend school.  Of course, this was during a time when 'if you were too afraid, too fucking bad, you're going to school'.  So I would often be late for my classes because I had to take the long way around the school to get to my class.  It was quite hellacious for me, as I recall.

This memory, the memory of being tormented in high school only recently returned to my conscious, triggered by an event that took place on Monday morning, as I rode the 86 bus to the Circle Park Mall where I like to spend time before taking over my afternoon work piece.

I sat near the front, in a side facing seat, quietly playing a game on my phone, a pastime I do to pass time on the otherwise boring trip eastbound down Eighth Street.  At the Midtown Plaza stop we picked up more passengers, one being a greasy dirty looking individual who sat in the side facing seat across from me.  I avoided eye contact, focusing on my game instead.  A few minutes pass and the figure across from me, says "Hey!"  I looked up, meeting his gaze, "I do not condone you taking my picture."

"Okay." I replied, "I'm not taking your picture.  I'm playing a game."  Then I resumed my gameplay and never followed up.  I could feel him looking at me, though, which made things uncomfortable.  Especially, a few minutes later, when he spoke up, getting my attention once again.  "Hey!  I don't want my picture taken!"  To which I informed him that I was still playing my game, even flipping my phone around to show him the screen, which was nothing more than multiple shelves with products on them, the purpose being I have to sort them in multiples of three.  It's quite challenging. 

Believing that should quell the situation, I resumed gameplay again.  However, the situation was not resolved, even with the visual evidence to prove it.  "HEY!!" he yelled again, now even more agitated, "I said DON'T TAKE MY PICTURE!!!"  That's when I kinda lost it, speaking louder to match his volume, "I told you, I'm NOT taking your picture!!  I don't know you!!  Why would I take your picture?  I'm playing a game and minding my own business!"  "F*CK YOU!!!" he yelled, "You're moving your phone to take my picture."

"The sun is behind me!!" I called, "I'm moving the phone to see it!!"  He wasn't buying what I was selling and that's when the bus driver called back to calm the situation.  I apologized as my reaction was not that of professionalism.  I was wearing my bus driver uniform at the time and should represent the City of Saskatoon accordingly.  I explained to her what was going on.  She asked if I wanted the authorities to be notified, to which I denied that it'd be necessary, figuring that the crazy guy seated across from me would accept that I'm a good dude for not having the police engage, but no.  His fury was now elevated.  I returned my attention to my game, but I could hear him seething across from me.  Then he began to utter threats.  "I swear if you take one more picture, I'm going to fucking kill you."

"Is everything alright back there?" Donna, the driver asked, to which I replied, "Sorry for the disruption.  I'm fine, but this gentleman is shooting darts at me with his eyes.  I think he wants to hurt me."  All the while, he's muttering his vile threats of murder.  Suffice it to say, despite my ability to hide my fear at the time, I was terrified.  I knew that the moment I stepped off the bus that my safety was now in question.  

He got off at the Indigo Book Store stop on 8th Street, right next to the Circle Park Mall, my destination.  I was SO overwhelmed with fear that I remained on the bus for the duration of the Route 86 through Rosewood.  I eventually did get off the bus, obviously, then went to the food court, reasoning that there'd be lots of witnesses if this nut job were to track me down and shove a knife in my back.  Yes, this was my reasoning at the time.

I remember looking up at this guy, when he sat across from me in tattered black clothing, with a ratty torn up hood draped over his head.  His complexion was dark, but his soul was way darker.  There was something not right about this particular fellow.  Not just regarding his lack of civility, but his soul seemed absent or tarnished.  He was afflicted with something that was altering his psyche.  Whether it's through substance abuse or devil worship, this man was not human, anymore.

I looked up as he's foaming at the mouth, relentlessly repeating that he's going to kill me.  In retrospect, maybe I should have had the authorities notified, but over the course of my short tenure with City Transit, I've been tackled, attacked and threatened quite a few times, already, as has many of my fellow drivers, so it's beginning to become 'old hat' at this point.  

In the past, I'd take a few minutes to gather my nerves then press on for the remainder of my day.  I tried doing the same with this situation, except the experience unlocked that fear in me that I had as a freshman in high school when that Twelfth Grader took it upon himself to dedicate his bullying to just me.  That overwhelming fear that I might be attacked or maimed or worse at some point, took over my thoughts.  So much so, that yesterday, when I was driving my Route 17, I came to a corner in Stonebridge and recognized this crazed individual crossing the street in front of me.  I was nowhere near the man, when he turned his attention to the bus and began flailing his arms about and cursing at the bus.  I immediately recognized the tattered black clothing, the dark complexion and the crazed ranting.  What stood out most was the glowing eyes.  I realize this sounds absurd, but I swear this is what I saw and for the remainder of my seventeen loop, I was distracted.  Distracted by how I was going to avoid this individual if he was going to be at the bus stop around the corner.

Do I drive right past him, as if I don't see him?  Tough to do, as there's a traffic light right there.  If I get stopped at the light, he will gravitate to the bus, like a shit-magnet.  Then I thought, maybe he won't even be there.  Alas, when I returned, he was there, indeed.  He immediately recognized me when he got onboard.  I kept my gaze straight ahead, sunglasses covering my eyes, but I could tell he was glaring at me.  My farebox was out of commission, having fallen apart earlier in the day with the prior driver.  All the potholes and uneven streets, shook the hell out of the unit causing pieces to fall about.  The angry fellow seemed perturbed by the missing device and slammed his hand down on the remaining structure.

Prior to his getting on the bus, I moved the Assault Barrier glass all the way to the front of the door.  Fat good the tempered glass would have in protecting me, considering the guy now had what appeared to be dumbbell bars in his possession.  I've been hit with a tire iron, when I was a kid.  That was no picnic, what with the sizeable lump it left on my head, so these bars could do some considerable damage to the human skull, I'm sure.

He eventually got off the bus at 8th Street and Clarence Avenue.  I looked on with a heavy sigh of relief as the psycho and his demons wandered off across the Seven-Eleven parking lot.  I realize now that the experience on Monday may have affected me more than I initially realized.  I actually feel terrorized.  But I also feel that this crazed individual was not all human, either.  Whether that be the fact that he's crazier than hell or that he's pouring something down his throat that's altering his humanity.  

I had a meeting with management yesterday afternoon, following my encounter with the crazed individual.  The terror was still fresh and after the conclusion of our initial meeting, I asked 'how I should handle this experience as it's affecting me on a whole'.  The higher ups which included one of the Supervisors who had worked with me during my probation.  He had some genuine concerns with how this individual was directing his anger and torment towards a Transit Operator IN uniform.  I could see by the look on his face that this was news to him.  I think a lot of the assaults and mistreatment of drivers goes unseen and is often overlooked by some of the supervisors and management.  Everyone views the world through rose coloured glasses which hides all the ugliness.

I was told to put in a Worker's Compensation Report, just in case my condition worsens.  I hope it doesn't as I do enjoy my job.  My future, though, is foggy.  I used to think that if I were to die under unnatural causes, it'd be from a vending machine falling on me.  Now I believe I may be stabbed or killed while working.  That's a helluva thought, huh?  But I saw it in a dream and it was vivid as all hell.

Broken

I ventured out this morning headed to the nearby Wal-Mart.  Amongst my travels inside, I made my way over to the Electronics Department, as I often do.  It's like an instinctual path I take when I come to the Preston Crossing location.  Each store has it's unique route, but this one always takes me in the North entrance, where I then circle around past the self-checkouts, before hanging a right to head down the center aisle.  This brings me to the junction where it's a left turn to electronics and a right hand turn to the pet supplies.

I have no interest, really, in the electronics department, other than finding a movie or TV series on DVD for a reasonable price to add to my collection.  Today I found no such deals, but I did happen across a young lad with his mother.  They were getting assistance from the clerk who was removing a Nintendo video game from the locked case.  The look of jubilation on the little boys face, was priceless.  Even the mom, who was attempting to ease his excitement, shared that look of joy.  She'd probably worked hard for the money to purchase this game for her son.

The scenario reminded me of the documentary I watched last night, "Count Me In".  A doc about drumming, percussion and what inspired these musicians to embrace what it is to be a drummer.  The documentary included some rare home videos of these, now grown professional musicians, receiving their first drum kits as, in some cases, toddlers.  One girl, in particular, was so overjoyed when she unwrapped her kit, that she fell into the box, sobbing with tears of happiness on a level like I've never witnessed in my life.  A moment so precious, that it brought tears to my eyes.  

On a personal level, I can only recall my cat, Monkey's first Christmas, where I successfully hit a cat fort in the garage on Christmas Eve.  We'd gone to bed and I got up quickly and rushed down the stairs.  I thought for sure Monkey would have followed me, as he always did so, at the time, but this night was perfect.  He stayed put on my bed.  I placed the fort next to the front entrance, where it has remained to this day, over thirteen years later.  The next morning we came downstairs and he never noticed the new furniture.  It was me who had to stop us in our tracks and vocalize, "Hey buddy.  What's that?"  I said pointing to the new addition.  The cat actually stopped, looked over and I saw an actual feline WTF moment.  I rushed upstairs to grab my phone to take pictures, but in the thirty seconds that I was gone, he'd already destroyed the feathers that hung below the fort.  There were feathers everywhere, including some smaller ones still floating in the air.  I was ecstatic that he was finding so much joy in this new experience. 😊  I love that kid.

Witnessing the joy of that boy getting a game that he's wanted for who knows how long?  Maybe it was only a few minutes or maybe it's been since Christmas?  Who knows, but the experience wasn't any less special.  Then suddenly, like a stray bullet from a drive-by, I was struck with a memory that broke my heart so much that I nearly lost it in the store.  I fought back actual tears as I recalled a time from my youth, when my mom gifted me a toy out of the blue.  The look of joy on my mom's face when I was taking the toy out of the package and began playing with it.

As stated in previous blogs, our family never had a lot of money when I was growing up.  I never sensed that we were poor and given some of the stuff I saw when I was at school, we definitely had it better than some of the other kids in my grade, but we weren't flourished.  One day, I came home from school and my mom gave me a Riddler action figure.  I already had a Batman and Robin.  Maybe a Joker, too.  I know I had a Spider-Man figure, but the Riddler was a flashy new addition.  I played with that like there was no tomorrow and the joy on my mom's face as she witnessed the glee coming from her eldest child, was incomparable, unless you consider the look I got the next day.

I was so excited about this new toy that my mom allowed me to take it to school the next day for Show & Tell.  I can't recall what I had said in the presentation, but it was enough to entice a fellow classmate to approach me about the figure.  Craig S. was a crafty young fellow, who had every toy you could imagine.  I don't know what his parents did, but it seemed like they spent a lot of their money showering their kids with more toys than any kid could play with.  Craig approached me with this flashy spacecraft toy from the TV show Buck Rogers in the 25th Century.  This kid had a way with words and somehow talked me out of my brand new Riddler figure in exchange for his Draconian Marauder.

That afternoon, I returned home and was playing with this new-to-me toy when my mother discovered me.  She asked where this toy came from, having not recognized it as one of my regular toys.  I told her that I had traded my Riddler action figure for this toy and the look of disappointment and heartbreak that overcame her face was devastating to witness.  A feeling of shame overcame me and I put the Marauder toy in my room and took it back to school the next day with hopes of trading back for my Riddler figure, but alas.  It was took late, as Craig had already bamboozled another child out of their toy for my Riddler figure.  The kid in question was a sickly boy that I was afraid to approach, at the time, and so I reluctantly kept the spaceship, but the scar of what I had done to my mother was forever.

Without much money to our credit, my mom, out of the pure goodness that lives in her heart, went out and purchased something with the hopes that her child would find joy with only to discover that her kid selfishly gave it away in exchange for a worthless space toy from a shitty TV show.

Just the knowing that I disappointed and hurt someone I care about is beyond heart wrenching and, though it was a memory previously lost, it's back in my conscious, now, and it hurts my heart every bit as much right at this moment as it did that day as I sat on the floor of our kitchen. 💔