Lurking In The Shadows

 

I like this photograph of my cat, Monkey, taken from behind as he gazes upon his court.  The light casting a mighty shadow so that we fail to see the intricate designs of his striped back, replacing it with darkness and mystery.

The other morning as I drove to work, I'd just rounded the corner from my street onto the main drag that takes me westward.  Like so many mornings before, I saw a couple rabbits scampering across the street into the adjacent park.  It's a large park, large enough that a small group of rabbits could probably live long happy lives there without ever having to leave the safety of it's perimeter.  "Be careful, rabbits." I always say.  In addition to the lively scampering of this indigenous wildlife, sadly I also see many tattered corpses that didn't fair too well crossing the boulevard.

I got to thinking, driving up the street, listening to whatever was on the radio at the time, "What DO rabbits do all day?"  Good question, right?  The sun breaks through the morning dawn, shining light down on the world and these rabbits awaken from their slumber and begin foraging for food.  Do they do that all day long?  Just eat, sleep, and shit.  Then my thoughts came back to something, or someone, dear to my heart.  My boy, Monkey.  What does he do, all day long? 

Same thing, only there's four walls and a roof protecting him from the elements and possible predation.  That aside, he lives the same mundane life as those rabbits.  Eat, sleep, shit, repeat.  Only advantage Monkey has over the rabbits, aside from the structure that he resides in, is guaranteed meals and snuggle time with yours truly, Daddy.

There are times, however, when I'm home and I cannot find that cat anywhere.  It's like he just vaporizes then reappears when it's convenient.  It's magical.  Does Monkey have special abilities that he's hiding from me?  Am I not trustworthy enough to keep his secrets?

The other night I was having trouble going to sleep.  For the fourteen years that Monkey has been alive and living with me, we always go to bed at the same time, snuggle a little before I doze off and he retires to his corner at the foot of the bed.  So when I wake up in the middle of the night, I can glance down and see his shadowy form snoring in the corner and all feels right and I'm able to fall back asleep with ease.  On this particular night, just three sleeps ago, I woke up and Monkey was nowhere to be seen.  I got up to get a drink from the fridge and in my travels, failed to see Monkey lying in any of his preferred spots that pepper the household.  It wasn't until nearly a half hour later that I felt him jump onto the bed, murmur a little meow of acknowledgement and returned to his corner, like nothing had transpired.

I rolled up next to him and started stroking his back, from neck to tail and chatting him up.  I asked questions like "Where do you go?" and "What are you doing?"  Then mid-query, I realized something imperative.  If you look at the distinctive markings on Monkey's face, it's almost too obvious.  Much like Clark Kent wears a cheap pair of glasses to hide the fact that he's actually Superman, Monkey hides his secret identity by looking like a cute kitty cat with that unique triangular white patch on his face.

(Please forgive me for getting off-topic, but HOW stupid are the people in Metropolis that they can't see through that shitty disguise?)

I'm lying next to my cat, on top of the covers, stroking his fur and listening to his gentle rhythmic purr when I realized, "I've never seen Batman and Monkey in the same room...  I wonder.  Is it possible?"  All those nights when I came downstairs because he was absent and I did see him, seated on the back to the armchair, gazing out over his world, looking for neerdowells and riff-raff, poised to leap into hand-to-hand combat at a moments notice.

If you take a moment to really look and analyze the pictures of the Caped Crusader versus Monkey, you'll have to agree the resemblance is uncanny.  I think my cat is a superhero, watching over and protecting his land.  If he chooses not to share that life and burden with me, then I'm sure Monkey has his reasons.  Perhaps it's out of love and wishes to protect me from those who wish to do him harm.  I can appreciate that and I thank him for the security he provides.

Be Calm. It Was Just a False Alarm

I'm not going to lie to you, but it's been kind of a tense few weeks for yours truly.  About three weeks ago, in preparation for a visit to my diabetic counselor, I was sent for blood work, to monitor various levels of my blood in my daily battle with Type II Diabetes.  Within a couple of hours, I received an urgent phone call from my doctor, in reference to the test results.  Normally, I don't concern myself too much with such trivialities, but when a physician, especially one as busy as mine, takes time out of her busy day to place a personal phone call, one has no choice but to sit up and take notice.  She informed me that my platelet count was abnormally low and that I should return for another blood test the following week.

In the olden days, before the internet, news such as this would cause the mind to race in a thousand directions, imagination taking over and running thousands more scenarios.  These days, with the advent of the worldwide web, a diagnosis is available at one's finger tips and I wasted no time typing "low platelets" into Google and was not very encouraged by the results.  Web MD listed a few culprits, including Leukemia and Colon Cancer, but I wasn't experiencing any of those symptoms, so I quickly discarded them.  However, I was intrigued by the list symptoms for Prostate Cancer. I'd been experiencing some oddities in the weeks prior and Googled those symptoms which brought up Prostate Cancer as a possible cause.  Now seeing the ugly name rear it's head, once more, I became a little more concerned.

By and by, I never let it get me down, believing "It is what it is".  In years past, I've always believed that if I ever faced off with cancer, that I could and would beat it, so these past few weeks were definitely a test of that belief.

The following week came and I returned to the clinic for a follow-up blood test, only this time, I never received a follow-up phone call from my doctor.  A week came and went, followed by a second and still no telephone call from my doctor.  "No news is good news." they always say, and so I continued on, like there was nothing to worry about.

I saw my doctor, today, for my usual monthly visit and we touched base on the "low platelet" issue.  She chalked it up to a mistake made by the lab, as it's not normal for one's platelet count to fluctuate such a drastic amount within a few days of testing.  We each breathed a sigh of relief, mine much heavier than hers, I'm sure.

I've had a lot of close calls, in recent years, close calls and near misses that I've had to face on my own.  I know I have a small circle of friends that, if I needed to, I could lean on someone's shoulder.  However, I'm not the sort to trouble others with my bullshit.  When I broke my back a couple of years ago, that was a tough ordeal to get through on my own.  I'm not going to lie, but I managed to get through it.  When I had pneumonia, before that and X-rays discovered what was described (to me) as a "black mass" on my lung, I'll admit that was a heavy burden to shoulder, too.  All-in-all, recent years have really been taking their toll on me, emotionally, but god damn it, I'm grappling each one, wrestling it to the ground and rising above it all.  I'm like the Batman, only without the cool threads or the kick ass car.  I'm an excellent survivor.

Stay Strong, Lafayette

It's Thursday night.  It's summer.  It's too hot to stay inside and watch television.  Besides, there's nothing but reruns on, anyway.  Outside, it's too humid to tackle yardwork or go for a walk in the park.  Maybe hitting up a popular movie is the ticket.  A valid excuse to get out and socialize with friends and share a laugh or two.

You fight traffic, then struggle to find parking near the theater.  Pay for a ticket, buy popcorn and a soda, before settling in to watch the previews.  Your only concern is that no one taller than you sits in the seat in front of you and that no one plays with their phone during the movie.

It was a little over three years ago that there was a violent incident at a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado.  It was a midnight showing of the last Batman film, The Dark Knight Rises, so when a man appeared in the darkness dressed in tactical clothing, patrons thought it was a part of the show.  A special added treat to the movie's premiere.  Delight was quickly replaced by panic when the assailant opened fire on the crowd.  In the aftermath, twelve were dead and seventy more were injured.  The gunman was picked up outside the theater by police.  Subsequently, this past week, on July 20th, 2015, he was found guilty of twenty-four (24) counts of first-degree murder and one-hundred-forty  (140) counts of attempted first-degree murder.  Sentencing at the time of this composition has yet to be announced.  I believe Colorado has the Death Penalty and it'd do everyone involved a favour if the guilty party is promptly executed.  That's my opinion, anyway.

Three years has passed and I guess, we as a whole have become relaxed and complacent, once more.  Relaxing in our belief that the incident in Aurora three years ago, was a fluke.  A single event that wouldn't or couldn't be repeated.  Sadly, this is not the case.  Just as we once believed the Colombine High School shooting to be a one-time incident, we've sadly had many more in the fifteen-plus years since.  It is with great disappointment and sadness that I discovered that once again, a gunman has entered a movie theater and taken it upon himself to play God.

This time it is a movie theater in Lafayette, Louisiana.  Twenty minutes into "Trainwreck", the new Judd Apatow comedy starring Amy Schumer, a lone gunman began shooting into the crowd.  It's reported that of the one hundred plus people in the theater, three have died, including the gunman from a self inflicted gun shot, and seven more injured.  Thankfully, the number of dead and wounded isn't comparable to the tragedy in Colorado, but even if there is one person is injured, that's one too many.

The fact that this asshole, a 58 year old man, according to news reports, killed himself, begs the question, why did he not just kill himself without killing others?  Of all the reasons to desire historical recognition, it'll never make sense to me why these insane people need to do so with such havoc.  Survivors of the tragedy in Lafayette, as well as those in Aurora, Colorado, are affected, too.  While they don't have an imperfection blemish on their skin, the emotional baggage that is associated with an event like this, is equally burdening.  Survivor's guilt.

Very little has been shared with the media regarding the gunman in tonight's shooting.  Authorities say that he did have some criminal history, but the incidents were from some time ago.  Whether he was convicted of a violent crime yesterday or forty years ago, the fact that he had a criminal record at all, should have predicated that he not be in possession of a firearm ever again.

With the Presidential race beginning to pick up speed, the subject that should be at the forefront of everyone's platform is Gun Control.  It's heinous and offensive how many violent acts occur on a daily basis in the U.S., involving firearms.  People shooting people over $20 or the colour of their shirt or the colour of their skin.  It's insanity.  We have the audacity to claim ourselves to be civil, yet act so barbaric.  It leaves me scratching my head.

Even here at home, in Canada, where we do have gun control, there's still an uprising in gun-related crime.  While my hometown, Saskatoon (Saskatchewan), has never been free of crime, I have noticed a scary increase in gun-related crimes.  It's making me more and more fearful to leave the house to go to the corner store.  That being said, it's not as bad as the epidemic that plagues the United States.  Gun Control works.  Trust me.  You just need to go at it in an intelligent manner.

The second amendment of the United States Constitution protects the rights of all Americans to keep and bear arms.  This amendment was adopted on December 15th, 1791, two-hundred and twenty-four years ago, when the average man possessed a single shot musket that required to be loaded one lead ball at a time.  I'm sure that if the founding father's had possessed the forethought of there ever being guns like the AR-15 or AK-47 or even the Tec 9, just to name a few, I'm sure they would have erased that amendment or at least worded it differently.

Donald Trump has been in the news a lot, lately, mostly due to his negative and borderline insane comments in his bid for the Presidential nomination.  The man is clearly nuts, but deep down, I believe he's equally as intelligent.  You can't become a billionaire by being a complete idiot.  Idiocy usually tends to come after the fact.  That withstanding, I'd be interested in what he has to say about the necessity for Gun Control.  He doesn't strike me as the type to be afraid of anyone, even the NRA.

In the aftermath of the movie theater shooting, Train Wreck star, Amy Schumer sent a comforting message via Twitter: My heart is broken and all my thoughts and prayers are with everyone in Louisiana. The world shares that sentiment, sending positive thoughts to all those affected by this tragedy, tonight.

The Batmen

Earlier tonight, was the Floyd Mayweather/Pacquiao fight in Las Vegas, Nevada.  The much talked about fight that has filled the public airwaves for weeks upon weeks.  It was touted as the biggest match of the century.  I don't know if that last statement was true or not, but I must admit that it's the first sign that professional boxing still lives, as far as I'm concerned.  I know very little about the two men facing off against one another.  I recall Manny Pacquiao faced off and demolished comedian, Daniel Tosh in a fight that rivaled the intensity of the legendary Butterbean/Johnny Knoxville fight.  As for Mayweather, I remember him from Wrestlemania XXIV where he knocked out the Big Show with a right hook, clad with brass knuckles.  Between that and his repeated arrests for beating women, I had my fingers crossed that he'd get beaten like a government mule.

Whomever was the chosen favourite by the masses, everyone had an opinion and offered them readily via social media.  I love the immediacy that Twitter and alike provide to us, the common folk.  Other information provided about the event tonight, was thousands of looky-loos reporting who they saw in the crowd.  The likes of Justin Bieber, 50 Cent, Beyonce and Jay-Z were spotted looking on, just to name a few.  The names that caught my eye, however were those who are best known for their portrayal of the Caped Crusader, Batman.

In one tweet, the author admitted to popping out of her seat when she noticed, Michael Keaton, Christian Bale, Ben Affleck and even Adam West, all peppered throughout the Las Vegas crowd in attendance.  I thought for a second, they forgot Val Kilmer and George Clooney.  Then I paused for a moment, realizing...  We would ALL like to forget about Val Kilmer and George Clooney, as far as their failed attempts at portraying the Dark Knight.

I never heard a whole lot about the fight.  Some people posted ten second videos of the action, but it wasn't enough to get a real feel of what was happening.  Even those who'd promised to tweet a play-by-play of the action in the ring, must've been so overwhelmed by what was going on that they simply forgot to do so.  Then again, at a $99 cost for the Pay-Per-View, I wouldn't waste my time burying my nose in my smart phone, rather than focusing on the television.  From the few tweets that I did read, it sounded like Pacquiao was giving Mayweather a thorough beating.  This is why I was shocked when I read about the outcome... SPOILER ALERT, apparently that piece of shit Mayweather won the fight by unanimous decision.  This is truly disappointing.  I was hoping Mayweather would get beaten to a bloody pulp, like the Italian Stallion did at the end of Rocky.  It's written that Pacquiao was fighting with an injured shoulder, which begs the question, given how much money was on the line, wouldn't the boxing commission want both fighters to be in pique condition?  I don't know.  I don't follow this sport.

In the comics and movies, Batman often fought the bad guys like, Bane and Joker while under physical duress.  Perhaps someone should have whispered in Manny's ear and reminded him that he is the PacMan, not the Batman. 

Day Three - 300,000 plus

The first person I spoke to at the Expo on Saturday, informed me that there was an estimated 300,000 people attending the Comic Expo on that Saturday alone.  That's roughly the entire population of Saskatoon, crammed into the small Calgary Stampede site.  It's no wonder that parking on the grounds was filled before the venue even opened for the day.

Our trek to the convention was without much drama.  We'd traveled the nearly straight line for a couple of days, so my co-pilot didn't need to consult her GPS, which I believe was conspiring against us in the days previous, often feeding us wrong turns 'n' such.  On this day, Saturday, it was already speculated that the influx of people would be incredible, but I never expected that traffic would be lined up as far back as it was.  Blocks upon blocks!

When the Stampede site was within visual distance, is when the stupid f*cking drivers started trying to dart in ahead of me.  I may not be the best driver at times, I still stand by my proclamation that I am better than most drivers.  There was a train track that dissected the street leading to the entrance.  Having seen the transit trolley pass frequently in passing days, I chose not to park my vehicle on the tracks.  It's the safe thing to do, after all.  There is very little that I take pride in more than my truck and having it smashed by a train would not make my day (or life) very enjoyable.  However, this dumb bitch, yes I know I shouldn't use the term, but it's deserving, bypasses all who have been patiently waiting behind my rear bumper, and darts into the space between me and the car in front of us, parking her lazy ass on those tracks.  Oh how I reveled at the idea that a train come and smash the f*ck out of her little SUV.  We'd be late for the Expo, sure, but what a memory to take home with us.

Unfortunately, no train.  The traffic pulled ahead, but not by much.  Enough that I could pull ahead, clearing the train tracks.  The dumb f*ck behind me, failed to practice the same safety as I, and pulled up right behind me, blocking the tracks.  Why do I mention this?  Why, the lights began to flash and bells sounded, indicating the train was fast approaching.  Suddenly, asshole starts hammering on his horn for me to move ahead, but I couldn't move ahead.  It wasn't my fault his parents raised a stupid child.  Sadly, the light changed to green, allowing us to move forward and dumb shit's life to be spared.  Yet, I'm the bad guy?

Long story short, parking was filled and we were instructed to try the north end of the complex.  Ultimately, we found alternate parking and for a cheaper price.  It was a little further to walk, but it was a nice day, so I didn't mind, although one of my companions was dressed in a great big gown as a "punk version" of Beauty & The Beast's Belle.  I can't imagine walking all that distance, hiking up the gown, was all that much fun.  Just one of the perks of being a guy, I guess.

Me and the kid with the stupid bird hat attended a Q&A with some of the "deceased" stars of The Walking Dead, which was okay, but the questions people asked these guys was borderline retarded.  I can attest to the fact that nervousness can be overwhelming.  I experienced some of that the day before in meeting Mick Foley.  At one point, I almost broke into tears, but I don't think I said anything overly stupid.  I made a couple jokes, which Mick was quick to respond to, in classic comic fashion.

After the Q&A, we met up with our friends and soon parted ways again.  It was around this time that I spoke with a couple folks running booths in the pavilion, one fella who worked with leather making masks and helmets.  He was quite interesting to speak with.  A part of these shows that I do enjoy.

I will never be one of those kind of people who will dress up for one of these conventions.  Not unless I was extremely passionate about something, but the only thing I like that much, aside from my cat, is wrestling, but I don't have the body or commitment to pull of a look so bold.  On the other hand, I do appreciate some of the effort put into other costumes.  I saw a guy dressed as Starlord from the Guardians of the Galaxy.  I wanted so much to go up to him and ask:

          Me: Who are you supposed to be?
          Him: Starlord.
          Me: Who?
          Him: Starlord!  Awe, come on, man!

It would have been classic, just like it happened in the movie, but I doubt these nerdy f*cks would have the audacity to recognize the scenario.  Hell, I ran into a giant of a man dressed as Groot and when I requested a photograph, he nodded, instead of muttering the words, "I am Groot."  Three simple words, but no.  Some days I wish I could walk around and only mutter three words.  Life would be so much more simple.

The guy pictured above was an incredible Batman, in my opinion.  He was more than happy to pose for a picture, giving me not just one stance, but a couple.

I grabbed a couple T-shirts that day, but it was SO god damned crowded, I kept getting knocked about and I was growing more and more upset with each blow.  It was at this time that I was informed by how many people were on the grounds.  "Three hundred thousand." I was told, which I thought was an exaggeration, but given the crowds inside were literally elbow-to-elbow, and outside wasn't much better, I'd estimate that the figure was pretty dead on.  I was so relieved that I'd got to meet Mick Foley the day before.  I never ventured into that hall, but I can only imagine the crowd waiting to meet him was staggering.

After only a couple of hours, we decided we had enough and departed.  Walking back to the truck, it felt like an incredible weight had been lifted off.  I actually felt stress falling away from my body, like smoke and embers floating away from a campfire.  On the way back to the hotel, we stopped for ice cream beverages.  I had a chocolate shake, while my passengers indulged in rootbeer floats, and all was well with the world.  That night, we went for supper at my friend's sister's house, where I met for the first time, friendly Calgary people.  I could hardly believe the contrast between how pleasant and welcoming they were to how stubborn, rude and ignorant the rest of Calgary seemed to be.  Oddly, though, what I found most memorable about the visit, was their cat.  This spry little cat came up to me a few times, looking for attention, which I was more than happy to give, being that I missed my cat.  He was small and energetic and to my surprise, SEVENTEEN years old.  I was floored.  I couldn't believe this cat was seventeen.  What was most memorable, for me, was the actions that the cat did next.

Everyone was distracted by the hockey playoffs on the television, but I don't really give two shits about hockey (an odd thing for a Canadian boy to admit, but nonetheless true), so my attention was on the cat and trying to coax him back so I could pet him some more.  Instead, the cat chose to bathe himself.

Now allow me to paint the picture.  I was seated on a small sofa, with my friend M_____, her boyfriend, D____ was on the stairs next to her, and the rest of the family was spread around the outer wall to his left, all looking at the action on the television set.  My eyes are on the cat, whose leg is propped back behind his head and he's washing his "manhood".  Suddenly, I noticed a little reddish-pink nub growing.  It's growing and it's growing and it's pulsing and it's growing.  I'm not staring at it, but at the cat's eyes who has stopped licking and his stare is fixed on my friend M_____ seated to my left.  His nub is in my peripheral, my eyes locked on his, his fixed on M_____.  It was like a beastly show 'n' tell.  He never got her attention and frustrated, he kicked his leg down and left the room.  Probably to go rub one out, but that's purely speculation on my part.

We stopped for an (expensive) ice cream cone at Dairy Queen before retiring to our hotel.  At some point that evening, we'd all agreed that we had enough of the Calgary Comic Expo and removed the wristband that allowed us entrance to the festival.  Day Four we would come home instead of dealing with the masses of nerds and freaks.

Day Four began with our packing shit up, (and my forgetting shit behind).  Then we went to a thrift shop and McDonald's then one more stop along the way.  A massive mall outside Calgary, near the town of Airdrie.  It seemed nice.  It had everything you can imagine.  Even a bear.  I don't ever plan on (realistically) moving, unless something truly extraordinary happens to me, but if I did, Airdrie, might be a nice destination.  It seems like it has every amenity I would require to be a recluse.  But I'm happy where I am, for now.  No plans on moving.  Plus, I don't think I could be the asshole behind the wheel that seems to be required to live in Alberta, anyway.

I have to admit, though, the best part of Calgary was my pretending I didn't know who or what the Calgary Flames were.  Calgarians would mentions something about the Flames, who were in the playoffs at the time, and I would play dumb and bewildered by what they might be.  "Are they some sort of sporting team?"  I would ask and watching the blood drain away from their faces was priceless.  At the Expo, there was a lady selling license plates with the Flames logo on it.  I asked what the Flaming C was all about, adding that I'd seen it in a number of places, but had no idea what it stood for.  "The Calgary Flames", she told me proudly, to which I responded that I'd never heard of them.  Among all the A-holes I'd encountered during my brief stay in Calgary, these few folks were the least dickish, probably thinking I was retarded for never having heard of the Calgary Flames.  Whatever.  I get my fun from where I can find it.

Ugh! Popcorn!!

Ugh!  Popcorn!  If I were a superhero, I have no doubt that the bane of my existence would be popcorn.  Superman has Lex Luther.  Batman has the Joker, but my arch nemesis would always be popcorn.

I wouldn't presume to say that popcorn would be my Kryptonite, as popcorn could not and would not ever kill me, but it's mere presence drives me absolutely bonkers.  It's the sound it makes.  Whether it's the throaty popping sound that emits from the kettle or the subtle squeaks it makes as people shovel it into their gullets.  Either way, it drives me as nuts as any squeak or rattle in my vehicle.

Other than my incredible power of parallel parking, another gift that I'm cursed with is incredible hearing.  I possess inalienable ability to hear that which most are incapable of hearing.  I had a hearing test impeded once by a fan that I swore was in the booth with me.  It turned out the be a fan that sat on the floor above the doctor's office.  So it's not impossible that I can hear the squeakiness of the popcorn.

In my youth, I never harboured any ill-will towards the salty snack.  While I never purchased any of the treat when attending the movies, I never hated the stuff like I do these days.  I'd even went so far as to buy the odd box of Pink Elephant popcorn, although if memory serves, Pink Elephant possesses a sort of plastic-styrofoam taste about it.  Explains why I've never even subconsciously craved Pink Elephant in decades.

Many years ago, I worked the night shift at a 24-hour video store.  One of the duties I had, when I came into work was cleaning out the popcorn machine.  I had to scoop out the remaining popcorn, which was sold for a buck, then clean out all the grease and salt, using a strong vinegar-water solution, followed by glass cleaner.  The mixing of those two smells is something that, to this day, still haunts me.  Then there was the cleaning of the kettle.  Everyday, as fresh popcorn was being popped, some batches would be forgotten or the little wing inside the kettle wouldn't be turned on and the corn was forced to just sit there, popping then ultimately burning.  There aren't many things that smell worse, within my circle of experiences, that is, than burnt popcorn.  Perhaps, it's these experiences that solidified my hatred for popcorn.  It's difficult to say for certain.

These days, I can't hardly smell corn without being revolted to some degree.  The reasoning behind that is the cat litter I use for my cat.  The litter is made from corn, which traps his "business" the best I've ever seen, masking the stringent smell that accompanies it.  One time, when I used regular kitty litter, the smell of his pee was so strong, it gave me a bloody nose as I scooped his box clean.  This has never been a factor since making the switch.  I highly recommend making the switch, if you haven't already.

Popcorn, though!  Ugh!!  Next to the annoying f*cks who insist on talking or playing with their f*cking phones, I hate popcorn.  Actually, now that I think of it, I'd place popcorn behind the f*cking losers who bring their f*cking babies to the movies, too.  But it has no place in my home.  No one is allowed to ever bring popcorn into my house.  That's just horse shit!

Bugbear

Do you know what the speed limit is within a parking lot?  Would it surprise you to know that it is 15 kilometers per hour?  I think I am one of the only people to, not only know this fact, but who practices it also.  Yet people on foot, will constantly run in front of or behind my vehicle then turn to chastise me for "moving too quickly".  These are usually the same culprits who will then climb into their vehicle and speed out of the parking lot at a velocity of sixty or seventy kilometers per hour.  These people are among the many pet peeves that seem to plague my everyday life.

A "pet peeve" is described as: A particular and often continual annoyance; A personal bugbear.

My life seems riddled with pet peeves, the afore is a minor one.  Though it seems to occur upon almost every visit to the nearby Home Depot, it has little or no effect on me, personally, but has become tiresome, all the same.

I've tweeted my major peeves, which have been commented on as being shared by many.  The most frequent being that I will sit through a barrage of annoyingly repetitive commercials only to realize that the program I'm watching is recorded.  Even with the remote control in hand, my thumb placed firmly over the fast-forward button, I will often mutter profanity to myself about the irritating commercials, all the while forgetting to depress the button under my opposable digit.

Another exasperation of mine is sitting down to watch a program, whether it a mere sixty minutes in length or a movie that is more than a couple of hours long, and falling asleep.  I'd prefer to see the show in it's entirety, avoiding revisitation.  Earlier today, it happened to me twice while watching the (Christopher Nolan) Batman Trilogy.  The movies are not boring in the least, yet I found myself slipping into deep slumber about an hour into each movie, only having to skip back ninety minutes to rewatch the full movie.  This also occurs whenever I sit down to watch any of the Star Wars movies, although I rarely bother going back to watch the full stories over again.

Probably one of the biggest pet peeves I have, nowadays, isn't one that's come into fruition until as of late.  It does not occur very often, yet when it does, it sends me spiraling.  It has occurred when I'm climbing into my vehicle.  When I'm climbing into bed and (earlier tonight) settling down on the sofa to watch a movie.  Breaking wind.  A split-second before I plant myself firmly in my seat, a minor fart will slip out.  Minor in it's simplicity, yet major enough to almost bring me to tears.  The smell nearly harsh enough to drop a moose out of the sky.

I know not the recent exuberance of flatulence, but I suspect it may largely have to do with the ingestion of tomato-based foods.  I did have pizza yesterday and lasagna today.  Decrease the intake of such foods and I'll be less likely to fart on myself.  So better consciousness of my surroundings and my pet peeves will likely decrease.  If only it were so easy...

That Kind of Tree

Once upon a time, I worked at this job, where the employees were the ones who interviewed new hopefuls, intent on gaining employment with the company.  It was a good idea, as we had to work with these frickin' people and interviewing them ourselves, made it easier to find a good fit, rather than allowing management to blindly hire any f*ckwad.  Unfortunately, some f*ckwads managed to leak through.  This is, in part, why I no longer work at that place of business.  That and the fact that the job sucked ass, anyway.

In the interviewing process, we were encouraged to ask the potential worker many questions.  Questions that involved past employment and tasks that they may have taken part in.  Also included in that list was shit like "What's your strongest asset?" and "What's one thing you could improve upon?"  The latter question I recall one kid, who was slunk way down in his chair, said "Getting to work on time."  Needless to say, that f*ckwad, never got the job.

Also mixed in with those questions, were some absurd questions.  Stuff like, "If you were a superhero, who would you be and why?"  I think during my interview I said Batman, because he has all those wonderful toys.  (The comic book Batman and not that gay Adam West bullshit that was on TV in the 60's).

Today, while I was contending with an order from H-E-double-hockey sticks, I paused for a moment and gazed out the window of the office, when one of those stupid-ass questions popped into my head.  "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be and why?"  I remembered sitting back in my high-backed leather chair for a moment, bewildered by the obtuse question that sat atop of my mind.  Then the answer came to me.  A sudden epiphany, a proverbial light bulb going off.  (Or more likely, more brain cells committing suicide.)

WHAT KIND OF TREE WOULD (I) BE AND WHY?  I hate pine trees as a rule, but if I had to be any sort of tree, it'd have to be an evergreen tree.  Like the Frasier Fir pictured above.  Why?  Because they keep their pine needles all year round, which is good, because I look horrible naked!

Below The Belt

I used to hear about this athlete or that athlete being removed from the roster due to a groin injury. I never really understood what all that injury involved, but regularly thought that the athlete was being a primadonna. That the injury really wasn't that bad. That with a little bit of TLC, the slugger could lace up his skates or cleats and jump right back into the swing of things. I thought that all they had to do was "man up" and walk off their injury. Holy crap, was I in for a rude awakening.

It would seem that the "Powers That Be", the gods of professional athleticism, have heard enough of my blasphemy and graced me with the very same injury that I've mocked others with for so long. Anyone who knows me, can testify that throughout my shitty, yet distinguished life, I've have suffered through a great many injuries. I've had a few surgeries, one that left me quite disfigured. And other injuries that probably should have hurt more than they did. I can assure all readers, that despite my grocery list of "who's who" injuries, I've not had to deal with the level of discomfort I am feeling with regards to this personal injury, which I acquired yesterday at work.

The day had begun like any other day. My co-hort, Mr. G_____ was not in, as he had other engagements to tangle with. I'd come into the main office, clicked on my computer, then went to the warehouse to turn on the lights and unlock the back door. As I approached the front office, I was about 15 feet from the door that divides the two rooms of the building when I heard the telephone ring. If you don't answer it right away, it goes to voice mail, which can be a pain in the ass sometimes, so I picked up my pace to beat the ringer. That's when my foot caught the corner of a rug that, to this day I can't figure out it's purpose by that door. Instead of a little hop and a skip, like usual, I instead came crashing down with a tremendous THUD! I must've twisted and contorted my body in such a way to prevent extensive injury, because as I sat there, against the coolness of the steel door, I didn't feel any pain. However, in the hours that followed, something began to augment.

Gone was my usual swagger about the office (and in life), and in it's place an increasing limp matched with agonizing discomfort. I went to my doctor earlier this morning, who ran a couple of tests and confirmed to me that I have a "pulled groin". I was overwhelmed with understanding and compassion. I actually felt bad for mocking all those athletes I'd heard of with similar injuries. I understood now, why they'd be removed from their respective active rosters. This was an injury that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. That is, except one piece of shit, who shall remain nameless, but looks like a "wisent". That idiot deserves to feel this kind of pain... For being a dickhead!

So to all the athletes who may come across this blog, please allow me this opportunity to apologize for mocking your groin injuries, past and present. I never realized the extensiveness of this discomfort and you can best be sure that I will never mock sports-related injuries again.

As for all the soccer players of the world... SCREW YOU!!! Soccer's not a sport!!! It's gay, but not a sport!!! I say, "Get up and walk it off, sissy!!!" The only groin pulls you guys are getting, are the one's you give each other in the locker room showers. Circle jerks, anyone?