Be Calm. It Was Just a False Alarm

I'm not going to lie to you, but it's been kind of a tense few weeks for yours truly.  About three weeks ago, in preparation for a visit to my diabetic counselor, I was sent for blood work, to monitor various levels of my blood in my daily battle with Type II Diabetes.  Within a couple of hours, I received an urgent phone call from my doctor, in reference to the test results.  Normally, I don't concern myself too much with such trivialities, but when a physician, especially one as busy as mine, takes time out of her busy day to place a personal phone call, one has no choice but to sit up and take notice.  She informed me that my platelet count was abnormally low and that I should return for another blood test the following week.

In the olden days, before the internet, news such as this would cause the mind to race in a thousand directions, imagination taking over and running thousands more scenarios.  These days, with the advent of the worldwide web, a diagnosis is available at one's finger tips and I wasted no time typing "low platelets" into Google and was not very encouraged by the results.  Web MD listed a few culprits, including Leukemia and Colon Cancer, but I wasn't experiencing any of those symptoms, so I quickly discarded them.  However, I was intrigued by the list symptoms for Prostate Cancer. I'd been experiencing some oddities in the weeks prior and Googled those symptoms which brought up Prostate Cancer as a possible cause.  Now seeing the ugly name rear it's head, once more, I became a little more concerned.

By and by, I never let it get me down, believing "It is what it is".  In years past, I've always believed that if I ever faced off with cancer, that I could and would beat it, so these past few weeks were definitely a test of that belief.

The following week came and I returned to the clinic for a follow-up blood test, only this time, I never received a follow-up phone call from my doctor.  A week came and went, followed by a second and still no telephone call from my doctor.  "No news is good news." they always say, and so I continued on, like there was nothing to worry about.

I saw my doctor, today, for my usual monthly visit and we touched base on the "low platelet" issue.  She chalked it up to a mistake made by the lab, as it's not normal for one's platelet count to fluctuate such a drastic amount within a few days of testing.  We each breathed a sigh of relief, mine much heavier than hers, I'm sure.

I've had a lot of close calls, in recent years, close calls and near misses that I've had to face on my own.  I know I have a small circle of friends that, if I needed to, I could lean on someone's shoulder.  However, I'm not the sort to trouble others with my bullshit.  When I broke my back a couple of years ago, that was a tough ordeal to get through on my own.  I'm not going to lie, but I managed to get through it.  When I had pneumonia, before that and X-rays discovered what was described (to me) as a "black mass" on my lung, I'll admit that was a heavy burden to shoulder, too.  All-in-all, recent years have really been taking their toll on me, emotionally, but god damn it, I'm grappling each one, wrestling it to the ground and rising above it all.  I'm like the Batman, only without the cool threads or the kick ass car.  I'm an excellent survivor.

Tits 'n' Ass

A few months back, myself and a friend had the distinct privilege of seeing Australian comedian, Jim Jeffries perform his unique comedy act, here in Saskatoon.  It was shocking, vulgar and hilarious as all f*ck!  As his show came to a close, Jim got somewhat serious for a moment, passing on a message to give to charity, but more specifically, charities for Colon Cancer.  He went on to explain that most money goes towards Breast Cancer charities, but not as much goes towards Colon Cancer.  He never elaborated on this message, but I gathered that someone close to him either has or succumbed to colon cancer.  A valid message, all the same.

I came away from that show, wondering why so much charitable donations go to breast cancer and not so much to other cancer charities.  Then it donned on me.  I think I may have been looking at a picture of Katy Perry or some well-endowed female starlet, when the reason became clear.  The solution was simple: Everybody loves boobs!

Now, I do mean everybody.  Women love their boobs!  And men love women's boobs.  I think even gay men, have a certain affinity for boobs, male or female.  So, yes!  Everybody loves boobs!!  Not many people like an asshole!  I'm a great example of this.  I don't have colon cancer, but I am an asshole, which explains why I have so few friends.

It's all crystal clear.  Breasts rule and assholes drool!  However, you feel in either case, though, if you have the cash to spare, give what you can, whether it's for the love of boobs or to ass cancer, out of spite.