6.8 Million Reasons

The other day I was flipping through my Twitter feed.  It's a practice I do to pass the time, especially when I'm at work, killing time on my breaks.  Everyone who works there keeps the television channels tuned into either sports or news.  I haven't any interest in sports highlights, and even though the news can be interesting and even inspiring for this blog, a fifteen minute news cycle gets a bit tedious at best.  So I was flipping through Twitter when I happened across a posting from @TMZ, who was reporting on the latest Johnny Depp / Amber Heard divorce news.  It was stated that Amber was set to receive six point eight MILLION dollars from her divorce to Johnny Depp.  I found this number to be outrageous, considering the duo had only been married for a couple of months.

I couldn't pass up the opportunity to comment on the situation and set forth to tapping away on my smartphone, like an angry Donald Trump taking a late night dump.  "$6.8M?? Weren't they only married for like a month or something? I'm not gay, but I'd marry $6.8M payday.  Even half that...😕"

It was a comment that came quick and straight off the cuff, but in retrospect, I probably would.  I'm really not gay at all and even if I was, I'd never go for someone like Johnny Depp.  He's greasy and gross.  However, that withstanding, I've also uttered the words; "You'd be amazed at what kind of bullshit I could put up with if I was getting a good payday out of it."  Granted, those words were spoken in reference to an actual paying job and not marrying me a sugar daddy.

The more I thought about the process, the more appalled I made myself.  I'm sure for a $6.8M payout, there'd be certain, duties that would have to be performed, none of which I'd be too enthused about, but when you compare them to $6.8M, suddenly the shock wears off a little.

The thought sickens me as I type these words, but a marriage has to be consummated in order to be legally binding.  I'd have to get blinding drunk and/or high to block out every ugly sin that would commence on the wedding night and with fingers crossed, we'd never have to revisit that horrifying experience, again.

People would talk, because that's human nature.  TMZ would be all over that shit and when asked to comment, I'd merely smile and utter $6.8M, bitches!  I don't think there's a man alive who wouldn't take a moment to reconsider life choices, for a $6.8M payout.

"Rumour is..., ya had to f*ck a dude..." some random guy would comment.

"Yes, but it was Johnny Depp."

Just about anyone would hum and haw at that and likely slough it off.  "He's greasy, but he's a hell of an actor."

It turns out that Johnny Depp and Amber Heard were married for more than just a couple of months.  It was a little over a year.  That's a few more ass poundings than I'd be willing to go through, but like I said, I'd be willing to get married for half of the $6.8M payout...

Apparently, she claims she'll be donating the monies accrued to charity.  Full disclosure.  I wouldn't.  Marry a dude for a year and give all the money away?  F*ck that.

Skill Testing Question

At the end of last year, I entered a contest.  In exchange for making a small donation to a charity, I would receive some calendars, each with an eight-digit number that acted as a draw code or an entry into a bank for a chance to be drawn throughout the year for a number of prizes.  There's a daily draw for a $1000, which would be a nice exchange for the thirty bucks I shelled out.  There's also a weekly draw for various trips (or their monetary equivalent) as well as a monthly draw for a new vehicle, provided by Dodge (or the cash equivalent).  It being a leap year, adds one more daily draw, which increases my odds of winning (at least) one prize, significantly...  Bad?

Almost three months have passed us by, and no prizes as of yet.  I check every few days, my eyes scanning through the prize winning numbers, but mine never appear.  Come to think of it, nothing remotely close to my numbers ever appears.  The odds of my winning may have gotten worse.

On the off chance that I do get one of my three draw codes drawn, according to the rules, I have to answer a skill testing question without the aid of a mechanical device.  I hate to think that on the off chance that I was lucky enough to win a $40K automobile, that the prize will elude be because I don't know algebra.  I know it likely would be a more simple adding/subtracting/multiplication number, but back in high school, I never pulled off 100% marks on my math exams, which proves a chance of failure all these years later.

I doubt that officials would allow this to happen.  In fact, I recall one draw that required a mathematical question to be answered at the time of entry and the ticket sales person whispering to every entrant, "The answer is fifteen."

Win or lose, the thirty bucks I invested into this delusion, goes to a worthy cause.  It was for the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation.  I like boobs.  I've always liked boobs and if it takes thirty dollars of my money to help preserve boobs for future enjoyment, then it's thirty dollars that I'm happy to part with.

Tits 'n' Ass

A few months back, myself and a friend had the distinct privilege of seeing Australian comedian, Jim Jeffries perform his unique comedy act, here in Saskatoon.  It was shocking, vulgar and hilarious as all f*ck!  As his show came to a close, Jim got somewhat serious for a moment, passing on a message to give to charity, but more specifically, charities for Colon Cancer.  He went on to explain that most money goes towards Breast Cancer charities, but not as much goes towards Colon Cancer.  He never elaborated on this message, but I gathered that someone close to him either has or succumbed to colon cancer.  A valid message, all the same.

I came away from that show, wondering why so much charitable donations go to breast cancer and not so much to other cancer charities.  Then it donned on me.  I think I may have been looking at a picture of Katy Perry or some well-endowed female starlet, when the reason became clear.  The solution was simple: Everybody loves boobs!

Now, I do mean everybody.  Women love their boobs!  And men love women's boobs.  I think even gay men, have a certain affinity for boobs, male or female.  So, yes!  Everybody loves boobs!!  Not many people like an asshole!  I'm a great example of this.  I don't have colon cancer, but I am an asshole, which explains why I have so few friends.

It's all crystal clear.  Breasts rule and assholes drool!  However, you feel in either case, though, if you have the cash to spare, give what you can, whether it's for the love of boobs or to ass cancer, out of spite.

Boobs!!

Watching early Sunday-morning TV and came across a dude being interviewed between two programs.  He's the head of a major automotive aftermarket equipment company, whose charity work includes raising money for Breast Cancer Research.  Of all the cancer researches, Breast Cancer Research is my favourite, as I am admittedly a fan of boobs.

Though he did fairly well, it must've been his first time on camera, because some of his answers were a little iffy.  His interviewer, a breathy-voiced female TV personality asking all the questions you'd expect of an interview of this sort.  He, delving into his company's history of funds raised for the cause, last year equating well over $430K.  And when asked if he had anything else to add, he added, alright.

"Remember that it's 1 in 8 women that are diagnosed with breast cancer," he said, though I would question those statistics... seems a little high. "These women are mothers, daughters... They could be friends or co-workers.  Or even a combination of all four."  What a boob...!

I snickered.  He left out schoolmate, so stay in school, girls.  It might save your life or your boobs, at least.

Ice Ice Baby

For quite a few months now, I've been witnessing people, mostly celebrities, committing the ridiculous act of torture by dumping ice cold water on themselves, then challenging others to commit the same asinine act on themselves.  I never understood why.  Then again, people are notorious, celebrities especially, for doing stupid shit.  Just look at Justin Bieber.

Of course, nobody was stating WHY they're doing it.  Thank god for Google.  Without Google, I'd be totally f*cked.  I can't remember what I did ten years ago.  Living in caveman days....

According to Google, the Ice Bucket Challenge is supposed to bring attention to the disease, ALS (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis), also known as Lou Gehrig's disease.  Never knew that until I read it on Google, so EPIC FAIL in that regard.

The story also explained that those who participate in the challenge, donate $10 to the cause, dump the ice water on themselves and challenge three others to do the same.  Apparently, dumping ice water on yourself is quite painful.  I wouldn't know.  I don't do stupid shit like that.  The closest I ever came to it was falling through some ice on a frozen dugout a few years ago (long story).  So I'm no stranger to what ice cold water feels like against your skin, but it's not something I'm going to re-enact, charity or no charity. 

Three people are challenged to dump ice water on themselves, post a video and challenge others to do the challenge.  Those who fail to perform the challenge within a twenty-four hour period, are supposed to donate $100.  This seems to make more sense than dumping water on yourself.

Those who choose not to do the challenge, I've read on my Twitter (@ToontownJuggalo), seem to be labeled cowardly, despite the fact that they're donating the larger sum of money.  Actor/comedian Chris D'Elia chose to donate rather than look like a f*cking idiot dumping water on themselves, but got called out by his "supposed" fans.  I completely understand his logic, as do I totally respect Charlie Sheen who video'd himself dumping $10,000 cash on himself.  Charlie and Chris both get the f*cking idea.  I would hope that the celebrities who have uploaded videos of themselves dumping water on themselves are donating more than a measly ten bucks towards the charity, except maybe Bieber.  He seems like a cheap-ass little prick.

What's ironic is the fact that so many cities, counties, states, and countries are complaining of water shortages, meanwhile people are dumping gallons upon gallons of water on themselves.  This doesn't impress me.  If the celebrities want to boast their charitable natures by doing stupid shit, lets see some videos of you slamming your fingers in car doors.  Now THAT's  a charity I'd pitch in for.