6.8 Million Reasons

The other day I was flipping through my Twitter feed.  It's a practice I do to pass the time, especially when I'm at work, killing time on my breaks.  Everyone who works there keeps the television channels tuned into either sports or news.  I haven't any interest in sports highlights, and even though the news can be interesting and even inspiring for this blog, a fifteen minute news cycle gets a bit tedious at best.  So I was flipping through Twitter when I happened across a posting from @TMZ, who was reporting on the latest Johnny Depp / Amber Heard divorce news.  It was stated that Amber was set to receive six point eight MILLION dollars from her divorce to Johnny Depp.  I found this number to be outrageous, considering the duo had only been married for a couple of months.

I couldn't pass up the opportunity to comment on the situation and set forth to tapping away on my smartphone, like an angry Donald Trump taking a late night dump.  "$6.8M?? Weren't they only married for like a month or something? I'm not gay, but I'd marry $6.8M payday.  Even half that...😕"

It was a comment that came quick and straight off the cuff, but in retrospect, I probably would.  I'm really not gay at all and even if I was, I'd never go for someone like Johnny Depp.  He's greasy and gross.  However, that withstanding, I've also uttered the words; "You'd be amazed at what kind of bullshit I could put up with if I was getting a good payday out of it."  Granted, those words were spoken in reference to an actual paying job and not marrying me a sugar daddy.

The more I thought about the process, the more appalled I made myself.  I'm sure for a $6.8M payout, there'd be certain, duties that would have to be performed, none of which I'd be too enthused about, but when you compare them to $6.8M, suddenly the shock wears off a little.

The thought sickens me as I type these words, but a marriage has to be consummated in order to be legally binding.  I'd have to get blinding drunk and/or high to block out every ugly sin that would commence on the wedding night and with fingers crossed, we'd never have to revisit that horrifying experience, again.

People would talk, because that's human nature.  TMZ would be all over that shit and when asked to comment, I'd merely smile and utter $6.8M, bitches!  I don't think there's a man alive who wouldn't take a moment to reconsider life choices, for a $6.8M payout.

"Rumour is..., ya had to f*ck a dude..." some random guy would comment.

"Yes, but it was Johnny Depp."

Just about anyone would hum and haw at that and likely slough it off.  "He's greasy, but he's a hell of an actor."

It turns out that Johnny Depp and Amber Heard were married for more than just a couple of months.  It was a little over a year.  That's a few more ass poundings than I'd be willing to go through, but like I said, I'd be willing to get married for half of the $6.8M payout...

Apparently, she claims she'll be donating the monies accrued to charity.  Full disclosure.  I wouldn't.  Marry a dude for a year and give all the money away?  F*ck that.

Moving On!

All the crazy hub-bub filling the airwaves right now is the sudden dissolve of Kim Kardashian's marriage to NBA baller, Kris Humphries. "Irreconcilable differences" is the reasoning cited behind the divorce which follows just 72 days into the matrimony. Given that the union has only been 72 days in the making, makes me question if much effort was placed into reconciliation.

It's being reported that it was the busy schedule of the voluptuous Kardashian sister, that played a major part in the split. Burning the proverbial candle at both ends, she was jet-setting all over the country (and the world), appearing at several ventures. I'm not a huge advocate for celebrity crap involving anyone in the spotlight, especially if it involves the Kardashians. Frankly, I just don't give two shits. However, when their exploits are on every f*cking channel on the planet, and embossed on the covers of every periodical in the checkout line at the local grocer, it's a little difficult to escape the over-exposure.

What cued me in to the sudden split, wasn't actually any of these media venues, but it was a comment made by someone on Facebook, earlier today. They were exercising their disgust that the duo would sink a whopping $10 million dollars into a wedding, for a marriage that lasted less than one trimester, while starving children remained in the world. I don't know what one has to do with the other, but what confuses me further, is why a nobody from Facebook would give a crap about either.

I, personally, waste a lot of money on a wide variety of shit. At current, I own more DVD's and Blu-ray discs, than I will ever have time to watch, but I've never once been standing online at the video store and thought, "Hmm. I bet there's a starving little shit in Africa that could use a sandwich more than I need to watch the third season of 'Chuck'!!" Just as I'm certain that all the disloyal f*ckers who sucked $10M out of the Kardashian's and the E Network, never gave much thought either.

That addresses that. What irks me, is the ease in which people can dissolve something as beautiful as a marriage, without much effort in saving it. "In sickness and in health"; "For richer or poorer"; "For better or worse", these are all vows which are never addressed anymore. In fact, I believe this is, in part, why so many opt to write their own vows, so they don't feel obligated to keep to the former. It's a bubble-gum culture we live in. Popcorn and pizza, hot and ready at your fingertips after a few seconds in the microwave, rather than tediously watching over it as it cooks atop or in your oven. I've never had any soup that was slowly cooked over the burner on the stove, since I was a mere child. My patience can't stand that long, I need it NOW!

The same goes with people getting married. They want instant gratification. Slap on those rings. Chirp out a couple "I do's" and if you're not happy right away, then let's get a Cracker Jack divorce, so we can move on and ruin the lives of two more people.

Celebrities aren't the only one's guilty of this. They're likely the most guilty of perpetrating such practices, however, but definitely not the sole practitioners of speedy marriages. I have a cousin who was guilty of the same thing. I don't know how long she was with her beau, but the two decided they'd get married. I remember it was quite the affair. Not $10M worth, but it was a sizable event, all the same. My aunt and uncle and her two sisters, worked like motherf*ckers to get each and every detail perfect. From I remember, she was a lovely bride, decked out in a beautiful white gown. The whole day went off without a hitch and everyone involved, lived happily ever after. Well, NO, actually. The two of them, my cousin and her new husband, called 'er quits after only a couple short months. It was quite a shock to everyone in the family. What was more confusing, was why more planning hadn't gone into the aftermath of the marriage. "Irreconcilable differences" were cited, but what's more, I never got back the wonderful cow bell that I'd purchased for them for their wedding*. (*This was the first wedding that I decided to become "that guy" who bought the most absurd gift, and a cow bell that mounted to a wall, seemed like the perfect inaugural gift.)

Marriage is not to be an avenue to be trodden down lightly. I've considered it's bliss. I've seriously considered it. I even have a wedding song picked out for the occasion and a perspective-wife in which to propose to one day, if the opportunity ever presents itself again. I've thought out every prospective detail ahead of time to ensure a long and happy life. For when I get hitched, it'll be like the NWO said in the 90's..., "For Life!"

It does sadden me now, though, that Kim Kardashian marriage has come to an end. She and Kris seemed so happy in those photos on the cover of the National Inquirer. But it's not the lost between she and her former hubby, that bothers me so, but because I'm going to have to hear and read about this frivolous shit for the next six f*cking months. Move over Lindsay Lohan, there's a new bitch who needs to be the center of attention...! Seriously? I mean, who gives a shit. They tried marriage. They horribly failed at it. Now's the time to give them some space and move the f*ck on!!!