Easy Pickin's

 

School zone enforcement runs from the first day of September to the last day of June, from eight o'clock in the morning to five o'clock in the afternoon, Monday through Friday, whether school is in session or not and you'd better believe that the police services are out there enforcing this speed law, rain or shine.  To illustrate this point, I once received a speeding ticket, almost two decades ago, in front of a school that had been shut down by the city, had been closed for years, yet the school zone was still in effect and even the cop who issued the ticket to me, agreed that it was bullshit, given that no kids had even played on the playground that still existed on the chained up property, in years.

My mother told me about the time she received a ticket while driving to my house.  There's a high school on the corner, next to a strip mall.  The zone where she received her ticket, begins approximately fifteen yards or so (estimating in football terms) before the traffic light.  The light, at the time, was red and she was coasting to a stop, and though she was stopping anyway, the fact that her speed was just above the posted thirty kilometers per hour, one of the fine Saskatoon Police Service officers saw fit to pull my aging mother over and issue her a, in my opinion, undeserving traffic violation.  Keep in mind, that this is a woman who never breaks the speed laws, ever.  It scares me how slow she will travel on any of the roads in Saskatoon.  Even as other vehicles scream past her, she remains five to ten kilometers under the speed limit.  For this reason, I almost always insist on driving when we are together.  So for her to receive a speeding ticket is, not only inappropriate, but downright offensive.  That was a few years ago and nothing that could be addressed in a court of law, today.

My mother is not one for protesting anything. To her detriment, she, all too often, rolls with the punches and gets the short end of the stick.  She further explained how on that particular day, there was a lot of traffic speeding up to beat the yellow light, which doubly upset her that she was the one to get caught because she was slowing down, rather than speeding through the amber.  It is my opinion that it was because she was an easier target and that the cop didn't wish to expel any energy in pursuing those who were clearly in violation.

Her story reminded me of this past weekend when I, too, received a speeding ticket, when I was returning from the Entertainment Expo at the Exhibition Grounds.  Normally, I wouldn't take the route that would bring me through the downtown, but it was the route I'd taken earlier in the day and saw fit to return the same way.  The speed limit on the freeway has always been 90km/h (56mph) as long as I can remember, so when I saw the flashing red-blue lights in my mirror, I thought there was an emergency and I pulled over to the side.  Then I saw the cop pull over to the side as well.  At this point, I still figured that my way was the route that the cop needed, as all the lanes to my left were congested with people driving faster than myself.  They, too, were blazing through the now amber-turned-red traffic light on the other side of the overpass.  I quickly maneuvered around the corner and pulled over to the right, as far as I could, but the black unmarked police car did not pass me, but pulled up behind me.  That's when I seen the gleam of the sun reflecting off the officer's bald ass head as he strode toward my vehicle.

"Do you know why I stopped you?" he asked.  Bewildered by the situation taking place, I said "No."  Then he showed me a device he was holding that showed my speed.  "You were clocked going 92km/h."  To which I replied, "In a 90km zone."  "No," he responded, "In a 70km zone."

I was completely flabbergasted, "When did that change?" 

"It's been seventy for some time, now." he answered.

"But what about all those who were passing me and blowing through the yellow light?  They get off for speeding?"

The constable replied, "They're none of my concern."  He then asked for my driver's license and issued me a ticket for $194.  Talk about some bullshit.

The cops, it seems, would rather scoop up the easy pickin's rather than make an effort to chase down those who are driving dangerously fast.  My initial path would have taken me straight down First Avenue and given that the light was turning amber, I clearly would have stopped for the red.  I never pass through an amber light unless I'm already in the intersection when the light changes or if it's icy and I slide into the intersection, though honestly, that rarely happens.  However, this day, I was the easiest target.

I'm not making excuses.  Clearly I was no longer familiar with the freeway speed, although it's clearly marked as 90km/h almost everywhere on Circle Drive, the bridge being a part of that system, but if he claims it is seventy kilometers per hour, certainly he wouldn't lie just to issue a ticket to little ol' me.  I'm sure there's no corruption on the traffic level of the police service. 🤨

Now I read that the City Council has issued a new bi-law to take effect in September of this year, extending the school zones from 7am to 7pm, despite the idea being extremely unpopular in citywide polls.  Then again, not to discuss politics, our mayor is a major boob.

All day long, I can travel on Circle Drive which encompasses our fair city and constantly be passed by drivers, flashing me the finger as they speed around me.  I used to work along these same roads, in work zones that people know universally that speeds need to be reduced to 60km/h to better ensure safety for those working in the work zone and people refused to do so, the police included.  I can't count how many times that I've nearly died because someone was speeding past me going well over a hundred.  Two years ago, I remember bending over to pick up a piece of refuse, my head merely inches from the shoulder of the road, when a truck sped past me, so close that my hard hat flew off my head.  Looking up, I saw that the black Ram was speeding on the shoulder of the road, passing a stream of cars who blocked his passage.  I can't recall how many times I came close to losing my life while working the roadside of this city. 😔

Seems like some cops only enforce the speed when they feel like it, then when they do, they seem to pick off the easy targets, rather than those who put everyone's safety in jeopardy.  So let's make this easy across the board.  Everyone, myself included, just slow the f*ck down.

Day Three - 300,000 plus

The first person I spoke to at the Expo on Saturday, informed me that there was an estimated 300,000 people attending the Comic Expo on that Saturday alone.  That's roughly the entire population of Saskatoon, crammed into the small Calgary Stampede site.  It's no wonder that parking on the grounds was filled before the venue even opened for the day.

Our trek to the convention was without much drama.  We'd traveled the nearly straight line for a couple of days, so my co-pilot didn't need to consult her GPS, which I believe was conspiring against us in the days previous, often feeding us wrong turns 'n' such.  On this day, Saturday, it was already speculated that the influx of people would be incredible, but I never expected that traffic would be lined up as far back as it was.  Blocks upon blocks!

When the Stampede site was within visual distance, is when the stupid f*cking drivers started trying to dart in ahead of me.  I may not be the best driver at times, I still stand by my proclamation that I am better than most drivers.  There was a train track that dissected the street leading to the entrance.  Having seen the transit trolley pass frequently in passing days, I chose not to park my vehicle on the tracks.  It's the safe thing to do, after all.  There is very little that I take pride in more than my truck and having it smashed by a train would not make my day (or life) very enjoyable.  However, this dumb bitch, yes I know I shouldn't use the term, but it's deserving, bypasses all who have been patiently waiting behind my rear bumper, and darts into the space between me and the car in front of us, parking her lazy ass on those tracks.  Oh how I reveled at the idea that a train come and smash the f*ck out of her little SUV.  We'd be late for the Expo, sure, but what a memory to take home with us.

Unfortunately, no train.  The traffic pulled ahead, but not by much.  Enough that I could pull ahead, clearing the train tracks.  The dumb f*ck behind me, failed to practice the same safety as I, and pulled up right behind me, blocking the tracks.  Why do I mention this?  Why, the lights began to flash and bells sounded, indicating the train was fast approaching.  Suddenly, asshole starts hammering on his horn for me to move ahead, but I couldn't move ahead.  It wasn't my fault his parents raised a stupid child.  Sadly, the light changed to green, allowing us to move forward and dumb shit's life to be spared.  Yet, I'm the bad guy?

Long story short, parking was filled and we were instructed to try the north end of the complex.  Ultimately, we found alternate parking and for a cheaper price.  It was a little further to walk, but it was a nice day, so I didn't mind, although one of my companions was dressed in a great big gown as a "punk version" of Beauty & The Beast's Belle.  I can't imagine walking all that distance, hiking up the gown, was all that much fun.  Just one of the perks of being a guy, I guess.

Me and the kid with the stupid bird hat attended a Q&A with some of the "deceased" stars of The Walking Dead, which was okay, but the questions people asked these guys was borderline retarded.  I can attest to the fact that nervousness can be overwhelming.  I experienced some of that the day before in meeting Mick Foley.  At one point, I almost broke into tears, but I don't think I said anything overly stupid.  I made a couple jokes, which Mick was quick to respond to, in classic comic fashion.

After the Q&A, we met up with our friends and soon parted ways again.  It was around this time that I spoke with a couple folks running booths in the pavilion, one fella who worked with leather making masks and helmets.  He was quite interesting to speak with.  A part of these shows that I do enjoy.

I will never be one of those kind of people who will dress up for one of these conventions.  Not unless I was extremely passionate about something, but the only thing I like that much, aside from my cat, is wrestling, but I don't have the body or commitment to pull of a look so bold.  On the other hand, I do appreciate some of the effort put into other costumes.  I saw a guy dressed as Starlord from the Guardians of the Galaxy.  I wanted so much to go up to him and ask:

          Me: Who are you supposed to be?
          Him: Starlord.
          Me: Who?
          Him: Starlord!  Awe, come on, man!

It would have been classic, just like it happened in the movie, but I doubt these nerdy f*cks would have the audacity to recognize the scenario.  Hell, I ran into a giant of a man dressed as Groot and when I requested a photograph, he nodded, instead of muttering the words, "I am Groot."  Three simple words, but no.  Some days I wish I could walk around and only mutter three words.  Life would be so much more simple.

The guy pictured above was an incredible Batman, in my opinion.  He was more than happy to pose for a picture, giving me not just one stance, but a couple.

I grabbed a couple T-shirts that day, but it was SO god damned crowded, I kept getting knocked about and I was growing more and more upset with each blow.  It was at this time that I was informed by how many people were on the grounds.  "Three hundred thousand." I was told, which I thought was an exaggeration, but given the crowds inside were literally elbow-to-elbow, and outside wasn't much better, I'd estimate that the figure was pretty dead on.  I was so relieved that I'd got to meet Mick Foley the day before.  I never ventured into that hall, but I can only imagine the crowd waiting to meet him was staggering.

After only a couple of hours, we decided we had enough and departed.  Walking back to the truck, it felt like an incredible weight had been lifted off.  I actually felt stress falling away from my body, like smoke and embers floating away from a campfire.  On the way back to the hotel, we stopped for ice cream beverages.  I had a chocolate shake, while my passengers indulged in rootbeer floats, and all was well with the world.  That night, we went for supper at my friend's sister's house, where I met for the first time, friendly Calgary people.  I could hardly believe the contrast between how pleasant and welcoming they were to how stubborn, rude and ignorant the rest of Calgary seemed to be.  Oddly, though, what I found most memorable about the visit, was their cat.  This spry little cat came up to me a few times, looking for attention, which I was more than happy to give, being that I missed my cat.  He was small and energetic and to my surprise, SEVENTEEN years old.  I was floored.  I couldn't believe this cat was seventeen.  What was most memorable, for me, was the actions that the cat did next.

Everyone was distracted by the hockey playoffs on the television, but I don't really give two shits about hockey (an odd thing for a Canadian boy to admit, but nonetheless true), so my attention was on the cat and trying to coax him back so I could pet him some more.  Instead, the cat chose to bathe himself.

Now allow me to paint the picture.  I was seated on a small sofa, with my friend M_____, her boyfriend, D____ was on the stairs next to her, and the rest of the family was spread around the outer wall to his left, all looking at the action on the television set.  My eyes are on the cat, whose leg is propped back behind his head and he's washing his "manhood".  Suddenly, I noticed a little reddish-pink nub growing.  It's growing and it's growing and it's pulsing and it's growing.  I'm not staring at it, but at the cat's eyes who has stopped licking and his stare is fixed on my friend M_____ seated to my left.  His nub is in my peripheral, my eyes locked on his, his fixed on M_____.  It was like a beastly show 'n' tell.  He never got her attention and frustrated, he kicked his leg down and left the room.  Probably to go rub one out, but that's purely speculation on my part.

We stopped for an (expensive) ice cream cone at Dairy Queen before retiring to our hotel.  At some point that evening, we'd all agreed that we had enough of the Calgary Comic Expo and removed the wristband that allowed us entrance to the festival.  Day Four we would come home instead of dealing with the masses of nerds and freaks.

Day Four began with our packing shit up, (and my forgetting shit behind).  Then we went to a thrift shop and McDonald's then one more stop along the way.  A massive mall outside Calgary, near the town of Airdrie.  It seemed nice.  It had everything you can imagine.  Even a bear.  I don't ever plan on (realistically) moving, unless something truly extraordinary happens to me, but if I did, Airdrie, might be a nice destination.  It seems like it has every amenity I would require to be a recluse.  But I'm happy where I am, for now.  No plans on moving.  Plus, I don't think I could be the asshole behind the wheel that seems to be required to live in Alberta, anyway.

I have to admit, though, the best part of Calgary was my pretending I didn't know who or what the Calgary Flames were.  Calgarians would mentions something about the Flames, who were in the playoffs at the time, and I would play dumb and bewildered by what they might be.  "Are they some sort of sporting team?"  I would ask and watching the blood drain away from their faces was priceless.  At the Expo, there was a lady selling license plates with the Flames logo on it.  I asked what the Flaming C was all about, adding that I'd seen it in a number of places, but had no idea what it stood for.  "The Calgary Flames", she told me proudly, to which I responded that I'd never heard of them.  Among all the A-holes I'd encountered during my brief stay in Calgary, these few folks were the least dickish, probably thinking I was retarded for never having heard of the Calgary Flames.  Whatever.  I get my fun from where I can find it.