Don't Drink The Water

It used to be said: Don't drink the water.  That was in reference to anyone traveling south of the U.S. border.  Mexico was notoriously famous for having something wrong with their drinking water.  I can't remember what the end result was, as it's been decades since I've heard the reference, but I believe by drinking the water, you wind up with diarrhea.  That's pretty f*cked up, when the drinking water has a higher chance of giving you the runs, than the food.

California used to be a part of Mexico and though I've not been to The Golden State for a very long time, suffice it to say, if you're not drinking water out of a plastic recyclable bottle, you may be destined for some trouble.  Case and point: Miley Cyrus used to be a fine upstanding little girl.  A respectable role model for whom average little girls could look up to and aspire to be like.  She was a respectable celebrity with good morals, then all of a sudden... BLAM-O!! She's sticking out her tongue, shaking her ass and taking naked pictures of herself.  That wholesome little girl wasn't so wholesome, anymore.  I don't think "who*esome" is a word, but if it were, I'm sure we'd all be using it when referring to Miley Cyrus.

As a young teen, she portrayed the character Hannah Montana on the Disney program of the same name.  I've seen it.  It was mildly entertaining and silly, everything you'd expect a Disney show to be.  In an effort to shield herself from the hoards of screaming fans, Cyrus was a mild mannered, semi-unpopular teen, Miley Stewart, while in the evenings and weekends, she'd don a blonde wig, transforming her into Hannah Montana.  The character became so popular that in real life, Miley would entertain all over the world to crowds of screaming fans.  At the height of her popularity, even venturing out on a tour entitled: Hannah Montana Forever (pictured above left).

The fans knew Hannah Montana was Miley Cyrus, of course.  That was as obvious as Clark Kent being Superman, however I don't think Miley knew that, as the Disney series came to an end, so did the wholesome version of Miley Cyrus.  It's only been four years since Hannah Montana, but the crazy antics and public nudity of Miley Cyrus has become infamous.

Never failing to shock the public, Miley Cyrus, appeared just the other night, in Chicago, IL, performing a her songs, many of which came from the Hannah Montana era, wearing nothing but a strap-on dildo and a smile (pictured above right).  Even now, it was mentioned to me, yesterday, by a friend, that Miley Cyrus has announced that she'll be embarking on a new world tour, where it's suggested that she would not be the only person in attendance who would be naked, but that the crowds in attendance would be encouraged to be nude, as well.  "Is it going to be called, 'The Sausagefest Tour'?" I asked, believing that it will only be horny young boys and dirty old men, in attendance.  I would not want to be responsible for cleaning up the arena after that event.  The floor would be stickier than the floor of a movie theater.  I doubt, even a hazmat suit could protect anyone from...  Never mind.  I'm beginning to gross myself out...

So, take heed and be forewarned.  If you currently reside in Southern California or are planning to visit; DON'T DRINK THE WATER.  It made Randy Quaid go crazy.  Shia LeBeouf go mental.  Historically, it made Charles Manson go completely bat shit crazy-insane.  And it turned America's sweetheart, Miley Cyrus into a titty-flashing little skank.

HANNAH MONTANA FOREVER, huh?  Apparently our definitions of "forever", differ greatly...

Bare Ass Beach

Currently, I should be tidying my house up in preparation for an evening of friends coming for treats and to play board games, instead of typing away at yet another blog.  However, when the inspiration hits me, I find it particularly difficult to put the creative process on hold.  Besides, the words should come flowing quite easily, as the idea is so fresh in my mind.

I purchased a new board game a few weeks back and have had it open, though I never really perused the rules too closely, so I haven't the foggiest idea on how to actually play it.  The game is based on a television game show of the same name.  "The Moment of Truth" aired on FOX and was hosted by a fellow by the name of Mark L. Walberg; And no...  It's not THAT Mark Walberg famous for "Boogie Nights", "Planet of the Apes" or "Ted", but his doppelganger, by name only.   This Mark Walberg would sit across from a contestant and ask questions which the participant would have to answer truthfully.  If there was any doubt to their answer, they'd be hooked up to a lie detector.  The show lasted only three seasons, but the number of relationships that were permanently damaged by being on the show, was much higher than that.

So I'm kind of shuffling through some of the cards, reading the odd question.  Doing so shouldn't affect the outcome, should we wish to play it later.  Questions range from the mundane like "Have you ever broken something in a friend's house but neglected to admit to it?" To stuff a little more tawdry like "Have you ever gone skinny dipping in a public pool?"  The question that I stopped on was this: "Have you ever gone to a nude beach?"  I've not read through the instructions, so I don't know if the answers are supposed to be simply YES or NO, or if there's some explanation allowed to elaborate on each question.  My answer to this particular question would be YES.  Now allow me to elaborate on that point.

It was July 1st, Canada Day.  I can't recall the year, but I'm fairly certain it was about six or eight years ago.  A friend invited me to accompany her and her cousin to the beach ("beach") where we were supposed to meet up with some other work mates.  The beach turned out to be what is affectionately referred to here as "Bare Ass Beach".  It's a clothing optional beach.

It was quite a trek from the parking lot to our final resting spot near the edge of the rushing South Saskatchewan River.  Upstream from us, was a couple, a man and a woman, enjoying the sunshine and working on their tan.  The gal was laying on her chest and bikini straps lying next to her.  I admit I saw some side boob, but I never gawked like some people would.  Mostly on account that she looked like she would easily be able to whoop my ass, not to mention her muscular companion.

To the north of us, maybe about twenty-five to thirty feet away, were a gaggle of young girls.  Laughing, drinking and carrying on.  Not a worry in the world, which is expected for women of their young age.  Standing directly in front of them, was an old guy.  He was about 5' 10" tall, really heavy set with a big ol' round belly hanging down.  He was butt-freakin'-naked.  In fact, as far as I could tell, he was the ONLY naked dude on that entire stretch of beach.  Standing there at the river's edge, in water just below his knees, tugging on his manhood.  It was the most disturbing thing I'd seen up to that point in my life.  The girls on the beach, were too involved in each other's fun and laughter to notice the fellow pleasing himself.  It was truly disgusting.

So yes....  I've been to a nude beach and based on that experience alone, I've never gone back, nor will I ever.

Tainted Meat

I live in a 4-level split home.  It's in a nice neighbourhood, with very little or no crime.  I live near a couple of schools and a high school.  There's even a church or two down the street, if the urge ever comes to me to go pray or something.  I love my home very very much, but in recent weeks and months, I've begun looking at my home in a very different way.  My house is NOT "zombie-proof".

The main floor has a big bay window facing the street and patio doors to the rear, both providing great visibility to the undead, if they ever decide to reanimate and roam the earth.  As well, the living room and spare bedroom, also have large windows, which would provide a determined zombie, with brains on the mind, to gain access to my home.  These are the things that freak the shit out of me, late at night when I'm watching "The Walking Dead" or any of the "Resident Evil" movies.  What the hell would I do, if such an event were to occur?  I don't own any weapons, not that I'd be a very good shot anyway, as I found out last year when taking target practice with a f*cking BB gun.  I seem to shake too much, while holding the heavy instrument.  I'm such a chick!

My sister's house is perfect.  A one level home with limited windows facing front, excellent window coverings on all, and best of all, direct entry into the garage.  So if escape is necessary, no one is placed in danger of being ravaged.  As for me, I have to leave my front door, then fumble with keys to get into my garage, all the while fighting off hungry zombies.  I'll have my work cut out for me, if the occasion should ever arise.  Perhaps I should have "zombie drills" in the meantime, to get myself in proper preparedness.

The thing I don't completely understand about zombies, though, is what drives them to crave human meat?  Does it taste like chicken?  Or more specifically, brains!  Why do so many zombies crave human brains?  And I also wonder, has there ever been a zombie who bore into a human brain, only to sit back and grunt, "Aaargh.  Thisss isss terrrribllllle...!  Wherrre'ssss a Mickey D'ssss?"  And what if a person was a vegan before they were a zombie?  Would they rather carve into a head of lettuce?

The entire idea of a Zombie Apocalypse is so preposterous.  In watching the season finale of "The Walking Dead", there was a production note saying that on the night of filming, the air was so cool, that the breath could be seen from the actors playing the zombies.  So post-production had to go over every frame of film and erase the breathe via CGI.  This raised some questions with me.  If a zombie does not breathe,  how are they able to grunt and groan or in some movies, speak the word "brains".  In order to squeak, squeal, grunt, groan, howl or holler, air needs to pass over the vocal chords.  If the undead don't breath, how are they able to do all of these things?

This isn't the only question to cross my mind, either.  Another logical conclusion seems to be eluded from every zombie-esque type film of television show.  I'm not sure if the subject has been broached in the comic book, that "The Walking Dead" is derived from, but:  With all the meat and brains that zombies take in, do they shit?  Why is it you never see a zombie squatting in a street or an alley or next to a bush, pinching out a soft gooey loaf of shit?  I doubt that they'd wipe off any excess.  They're rotting corpses, after all.  The smell of shit, might be a blessing in comparison.

If zombies do indeed shit, it is possible, I suppose, that they'd do it right in their pants.  Proper hygiene seems pretty low on their list of priorities.  Most of them, don't even comb their own hair.  What they do do, however, is maintain a, somewhat, healthy wardrobe.  Of all the zombie movies I've had the privilege of watching, the zombies have always kept their private parts private.  I'm not some kind of sicko hoping to see naked rotting titties, but one has to wonder.  The clothing always seems to be tattered and torn, but never enough that zombies are left roaming the countryside, au naturel.  It's like the Incredible Hulk, in the sense that Bruce Banner is a smallish man, yet when he loses his cool, and becomes the behemoth man-beast, all his clothes tear away, except for his trousers which stretch to accommodate his incredible size.  Just as the lowly zombie tears and rots away, his trousers (or her pant suit) stays intact just enough to cover the necessities.  I suppose this is a good thing, as zombies tend to "live" off the land, just as beatniks and hippies do.

So that being said.  In the end, I haven't anything to be afraid of.  I can sit idly by in the comforts of my own home, watching my television set and drinking from my glass, safe in the fact that even if a Zombie Apocalypse were to arise, there's nothing to fear, because who's afraid of a f*cking hippy?  Not this guy! 

That Kind of Tree

Once upon a time, I worked at this job, where the employees were the ones who interviewed new hopefuls, intent on gaining employment with the company.  It was a good idea, as we had to work with these frickin' people and interviewing them ourselves, made it easier to find a good fit, rather than allowing management to blindly hire any f*ckwad.  Unfortunately, some f*ckwads managed to leak through.  This is, in part, why I no longer work at that place of business.  That and the fact that the job sucked ass, anyway.

In the interviewing process, we were encouraged to ask the potential worker many questions.  Questions that involved past employment and tasks that they may have taken part in.  Also included in that list was shit like "What's your strongest asset?" and "What's one thing you could improve upon?"  The latter question I recall one kid, who was slunk way down in his chair, said "Getting to work on time."  Needless to say, that f*ckwad, never got the job.

Also mixed in with those questions, were some absurd questions.  Stuff like, "If you were a superhero, who would you be and why?"  I think during my interview I said Batman, because he has all those wonderful toys.  (The comic book Batman and not that gay Adam West bullshit that was on TV in the 60's).

Today, while I was contending with an order from H-E-double-hockey sticks, I paused for a moment and gazed out the window of the office, when one of those stupid-ass questions popped into my head.  "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be and why?"  I remembered sitting back in my high-backed leather chair for a moment, bewildered by the obtuse question that sat atop of my mind.  Then the answer came to me.  A sudden epiphany, a proverbial light bulb going off.  (Or more likely, more brain cells committing suicide.)

WHAT KIND OF TREE WOULD (I) BE AND WHY?  I hate pine trees as a rule, but if I had to be any sort of tree, it'd have to be an evergreen tree.  Like the Frasier Fir pictured above.  Why?  Because they keep their pine needles all year round, which is good, because I look horrible naked!