HAGGARD: 19 Years of Hard Living

With every breath that is expelled, we draw closer to the release date of this decade's most anticipated motion picture, STAR WARS: The Force Awakens.  The masses are overwhelmed with excitement and panic.  What if it doesn't live up to the six predecessors?  What if it sucks?  I can say with good faith, that with director J.J. Abrams at the helm, the seventh chapter of the Star Wars saga, will be legen... wait for it...... dary!!

I'm sure that many are doing exactly what I've been doing over the past week, which is watching the first Star Wars movies in succession.  I have the first three securely under my belt.  This time around, I'm not making the mistake that I've done in the past, which was to watch all six back-to-back-to-back.  Dedicating an entire day to watching all movies.  For someone who's as critical as I am, this is a huge mistake.  There are so many holes in the first three movies, which creator George Lucas filmed decades after the fourth, fifth and sixth "episodes", that enjoying them purely for entertainment is impossible.  Timelines don't match up, nor do some B-story lines, not to mention the poor execution of casting.  The last, which I just noticed on this most recent pass on Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.

The close of Episode III shows Anakin Skywalkers bride, Padme, giving birth to twins, Luke and Leia.  For increased safety from the Sith, the children are separated, to be raised apart.  Obi Wan Kenobi (played by Ewan McGregor), is instructed by Yoda to place Skywalker's son, Luke with his Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen, on Tattoine.  There, Kenobi volunteers to live in solitude, while keeping a watchful eye over young Luke, as he matures.

A dry climate, two suns looming overhead and sand getting into everything, life on Tattoine must be rough.  The added stress must expedite the aging process.  In Episode IV: A New Hope, the estimated age of Luke is about nineteen years old.  Actor Mark Hamill exuded all the traits of a frustrated and rebellious young Luke Skywalker, but the years weren't so kind to Obi Wan or Skywalker's aunt and uncle.

Nineteen years on Tattoine will add about fifty years to your complexion.  By the time the rebellion is roaring in it's infinite glory, Obi Wan is a decrepit old man, barely able to walk, though he's still pretty handy with a light saber and still young enough to engage in one more adventure across the galaxy.  As for Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, the years had left them weak and feeble, and no match for the Imperial Stormtroopers when they came a callin' in search of those two troublesome droids.

Of course, STAR WARS: A New Hope was released in 1977, when Ewan McGregor was just six years old.  Getting an acclaimed actor like Sir Alec Guiness to star in a little know film called, "Star Wars", was a huge catch for George Lucas, who like the studio helping to produce the movie, never knew what a Goliath the franchise would eventually become.  I'm sure that Lucas had no comprehension of a sequel, at that time, let alone two trilogies telling this confusing story.

Reports and speculation on the new flick are coming out in droves as the release date draws closer.  December 18th, next Friday, all theories and speculations will be answered, and hopefully, with fingers crossed.  Like I stated before, I have complete faith in J.J. Abrams and I'm sure this installment of Star Wars will being larger than life.  My only real concern is Alvin & the Chipmunks: The Road Chip.  It is set to open on the same day, offering up some real competition to Han Solo, Chewbacca and the rest of the gang.  I'm curious as to who will take the Box Office record, this weekend...?

Now Served with Xtra Dick

It wasn't until recently that I realized that the Disney corporation, as a whole, have been aiming a majority of it's entertainment towards girls.  Granted Sport Goofy and some of the Donald Duck shit have been oriented towards boy, most of everything else is based on Princess' and shit.

Even though it's intent, in the beginning, was educational programming for boy and girls ranging in age from preschool to early teens, programming eventually metamorphosing into television shows that appealed mainly to girls between the ages of 7 and 14 years of age.  Shows like The Mickey Mouse Club, Kids Incorporated and High School Musical are all examples of television aimed at girls, not to mention almost every movie released was about a princess of one sort or another.  Whether it's Snow White, Sleeping Beauty or Jasmine from Aladdin and Ariel from the Little Mermaid, practically everything is aimed at girls.  Somewhere along the way, in recent years, executives at Disney must have wised up to the missing male demographic and the launch of a new Disney network was launched, called "Disney XD".

In recent years, Disney's been buying up all sorts of new content, rather than creating anything of their own.  It began with the acquisition of Jim Henson's Muppets and Pixar to the most recent purchase of Marvel Entertainment and George Lucas' Star Wars, each selling for around $4 billion.  Now original content featuring the characters made famous by those studios.

Until it was mentioned in a podcast that I was listening to recently, I'd never really thought about it, before.  Disney really had been catering to the fairer sex.  Imagine all the lost revenue the corporation had missed out on prior to XD.  Couldn't have been that much lost revenue when you consider their shelling out over eight BILLION dollars for Star Wars and Marvel alone, not to mention all the other purchases in recent history.

Soon, my mind began to wander, as it sometimes does, curious about why Disney would name their new network XD?  Then it suddenly donned on me.

It Thounds Like I'm Lithping

Although the original movie was released 35 years ago on May 25th, Star Wars geeks have hijacked May the 4th, like Stormtroopers overtaking a Corellian freighter in search of black market booty.  Wisely they should, as May the 4th, seems tailor-made to accommodate George Lucas' visionary trilogies.

I've heard reference to this date before, but today, I never really put two and two together to get May the 4th, let alone "May the 4th be with you".  Boy oh boy, though, once I clued in, I felt the loss of some very cool acknowledgments the whole day through.

By some sort of irony, I'd already planned to watch all of the Star Wars flicks back-to-back-to-back this weekend, with my boy (my cat) Monkey.  We sat down the other night and watched the third Robot Chicken Star Wars collection, but he didn't seem to get any of the jokes or references.  Being that he only turns three years old (tomorrow), it's a given that he's never seen any of the Star Wars movies.  Although I prefer the Star Trek films to the Star Wars movies, one simply cannot go through life having never seen the awesomeness that is STAR WARS.

So tomorrow, instead of swigging back cervezas with my amigos, I will instead be celebrating my boy's birthday and watching Star Wars.  Although, between you and I, I've got Monkey convinced that the entire world is celebrating Cinco de Mayo, because of his being born and not because of Mexico's desire to celebrate a warring victory over the French on May 5th, 1862.  So they beat the French!  So f*cking what?!?  EVERYBODY beats the French.  They surrender.  That's what they do.  THAT'S what the French do best.  That and smell bad (because they don't bathe in France)...

Live Long and Prosper!