Brain Freeze

 

I've never experienced, quote-unquote, brain freeze.  I understand from those who have that it can be quite intense and very painful.  On that same note, I've also never had an ear ache, nor been in love.  Although I have never experienced any of these things and, I'm sure, a plethora of other personal experiences, I do believe these things to exist.

For some, seeing is believing.  I've never seen oxygen, but I know it fills my lungs every time I inhale.  I've never witnessed the electricity that runs through my walls, but I know that if I flip a light switch a light will illuminate a room or plug something into a wall, it will operate.  I have no clue how the internet works, but when I click the button in the top right-hand corner of this page, this blog will be posted to the internet for almost no one to read.

This belief, "seeing is believing" is what prompts me to the subject matter of this edition of my Brain Matter.  I was recently reminded of a conversation that I overheard during a lunch break, many many years ago.  It was so asinine that it has permanently burned itself into my inner brain, like a brand that will never fade.

I know not how they, the people at the next table over, arrived at this point of the conversation, but it was from this point on that I was intrigued by the logic involved and by logic, I mean, the lack there of.

Richard was an older gentleman with salt and pepper hair and a thick mustache. He was maybe in his late-fifties, early-sixties, at the time.  I'd just taken a slurp of my soup when I overheard Richard mutter the words, "They say dinosaurs were real, but I've never seen one, so I doubt they ever were."  I nearly did a spit take all over the fella sitting across from me at my table.

With a smart ass smirk smeared across my face and soup dripping down my chin, I turned around to confront that piece of wisdom, but before I could speak, Richard added to his diatribe, "But I believe unicorns were real."

I was in disbelief, not that his beliefs were foolish at best, but that he was being serious.  When I first overheard his contribution to the conversation, I thought he might be talking in jest, tongue-in-cheek, making a feeble attempt to be absurd, but he was dead serious.  I first asked him how he was supposed to see a dinosaur, being that they had been extinct for tens of millions of years prior to human existence.  Richard shrugged and said, "Show me proof."

I paused for a moment and mentioned that there were literally museums all over the world that housed complete skeletons of dinosaurs, ranging in tiny molluscs all the way up to gargantuan Brontosaurus', but Richard informed me that he doesn't like going to museums.  The response made no sense as to why he'd deny the existence of dinosaurs only because of a dislike for viewing history through the museums of the world.  So I broached the logic of the unicorn.

"There's absolutely no proof that unicorns ever existed." I said, "How is it you believe they were real?"

Richard looked at me with a blank stare and spoke these words through his thick mustache, "Because the Irish Rovers* had a song about unicorns."  I stared back at Richard, utterly speechless, experiencing a true WTF moment, completely in disbelief that this was the logic of a man, who for all consideration, was responsible for operating dangerous equipment on the manufacturing floor, where we worked at the time.

"So by that logic," I said, "Because the Irish Rovers also have a song about Grandma being runover by a reindeer, Santa Claus is real?"

Richard looked at me like I was speaking another language, replying, "No.  That's just stupid."

The exchange had concluded and I spun my chair back around and finished my lunch.  It's been nearly a decade since we had that exchange.  I'm sure Richard has long since passed away, but if he hasn't, then I'm almost certain he's wasting his golden years sitting in his living room, listening to old Irish Rover records and believing that same stupid shit.

I was telling my mother about that conversation about a week ago.  She cocked her head to the side, like a German Shepherd when you mention going for a walk.  "What the hell?" she said, total disbelief that there are people in this world who really are that foolish.

The conversation reminded me of another short conversation that I had with Ernie, who sat at the end of the lunch table where I sat.  Ernie was a devout Christian or one of those seriously religious groups.  In all honesty, I don't know the difference between any of them, but over the years, I've managed to keep my beliefs on the matter, to myself, and not confront anyone, unless they start pushing that nonsense on me.

The movie, NOAH, starring Russell Crowe and Jennifer Connelly had just come out.  Knowing that I went to a lot of movies, Ernie asked if I had seen it yet.  I told him 'no', that I had no interest in seeing it, then asked if he had.  Suddenly, Ernie's demeanour changed from the happy-go-lucky man that he usually portrayed himself as, switching to a more serious appearance.

Ernie leaned in close, as if to tell me a secret, then pointing a finger at me, shaking it like he was scolding me for finishing the last piece of cake, he sternly uttered the words, "NO! I refuse to see that movie because it's historically inaccurate."

Okay.  Now I was hooked.  Historically inaccurate?  "How do you mean, historically inaccurate?" I asked, "Based on what?"

Ernie sat back in his chair, almost befuddled by the question, confused that I didn't know what reference he was speaking of.  "Why, the bible, of course."

I shrugged my shoulders in defeat and left it at that.  I usually like to have all the facts if I'm going to argue anything with anyone, but I know very little about the bible.  I only have my own theories that are based on nothing, really, but it's my own gospel, so-to-speak, and no one, or very few, will ever agree with me on that.

Years ago, I attended some counselling for anger issues.  I went through a Christian Counselling Center, only because it was essentially free.  I only had to pay what I could afford, which was usually around $10 to $20.  In the sessions, the counsellor would give me homework assignments that would involve reading passages from the bible and I'll be honest.  They helped.  However, I never put much more credibility into the bible than just that.  Like Aesop's Fables, the stories are merely reflections of experiences, meant to guide its readers down a straight and moral path.  Nothing more.  I don't view Jesus as a spiritual leader, but as a figure head.  Just as I see Ronald McDonald as a figure for a company that slings shitty hamburgers, I see Jesus as the mascot for better living.

I've never experienced brain freeze.  I've never seen oxygen or been in love.  These are all things that I cannot see, but believe in and yes.  The irony of that is not lost on me.  Just because I can't see an invisible man who lives in the sky, doesn't mean he doesn't exist, but.... Come on!  I've never seen it, so it can't be true. 😄

A Flood of Tears for the Posthumously Missed

Q:  Do I wanna see the new Russell Crowe movie?!?

A: NOAH!!!

My reasoning for not wanting to see this movie, stems (in part) from the commercial for the film on television. Crowe warns to his family, "There's a storm coming and there's nothing we can do to stop it!!!"  This statement implies that somewhere sometime, people were or will be able to stop rainstorms from coming.  That's f*cking retarded.  If movies didn't cost so much to see in the theater, I'd almost want to pay to see it, just to pick it apart.  Perhaps this would be better subject matter for Doug Benson's "Movie Interruption".

I made this claim at work today, stating that I didn't want to see the film because of this ridiculous warning from the Noah character, to which I was met with an equally retarded reply.  "That's alright." a workmate replied, "The movie is historically inaccurate, anyway."

There was a  great and silent pause following this accusation.  I realize that I work with a lot (and I do mean A LOT) of religious people, but in this day and age, in the year 2014, for someone to believe whole-heartedly that the bible is an accurate history book, blows my f*cking mind.  This is just plain preposterous to me.  So much so, that the only response I could muster up through the bewildered look plastered upon my face, was a low-toned, "What?"

"The movie is historically inaccurate." the man begun.  I cracked a smile, but I saw that he was serious, so I bit my tongue in an effort to avoid laughter.  "From the size of the boat, to his sons wives and.., blah blah blah."  He continued to point out the movies flaws, having not seen it, I might add.  I chose, however, to tune him out to avoid breaking out in a boisterous laugh.  I'm not one who is religious.  Like I said before, in this day and age.., I find it difficult to understand why so many people put so much of their faith in a book that reads like a book of fables.  With all the advancements in science and technology, people still believe that an invisible man in the clouds created all that we see.  Bullshit!!!  But, some folks need a crutch for when all logic escapes them.  So whatever...  Not for me to pass judgement, although it reads like I am.

So to make light of the heavy situation, I interrupted by adding, "And how do they expect us to believe that two of EVERY SPECIES on the planet, conglomerated at that one meeting spot and ALL fit on this boat?  Then they expect us to believe that the animals all cohabitated without incident.  The carnivores never fed on the smaller animals?"  I was dumbfounded, once more with his response.  "Oh no!  That part of the story is true." Again, I found myself bewildered by the statement and able to only muster up a one-word response, preceded only by a deep groan, "Uhhhh... What?!?"

"All the animals that exist today are cross-bred in one way or another.  That part is true.  What isn't true is all the little details.  Hollywood has a way of changing things up just to make a buck.  Hollywood would never put out a historically accurate movie about Noah or any of the bible stories."

By this time, the whistle blew, ending our coffee break.  Everyone filed out of the break room, leaving me alone to replay the conversation in my mind.  It was at that point I knew I had to address this retardation.  Later I joked about it with another workmate and it was through those comments, I knew I had fuel for this fire, but I needed an angle.

"They [Noah] got two of every animal, but they never got Unicorns." my workmate, C___ joked.  I thought about that for a second, and realized.  Yeah!  Noah was able to get two of every animal on the planet, including a male and a female Sasquatch, yet they couldn't fit two Unicorns on-board.  Then I realized what had actually happened.  It's clarity overcame my ever waking thoughts and for me to deprive these thoughts from the masses would most certainly be a crime against humanity.  A crime of such magnitude that it equates the crime that Noah and his family bestowed upon all of mankind for the centuries that would follow.

As the rains poured down and impending doom was facing our heroes who were corralling all of "God's creatures" upon this mighty wooden vessel, the last to board were the Unicorns.  Alas, however, in his complex calculations (which apparently have nothing to do with science and mathematics, but of God's divine will), shelter was not provided to the Unicorns.  Noah's family, not knowing how long they would be floating about on the S.S. Ark, ate the Unicorn.  It's as simple as that.

Even in the time of the "big flood", people knew that when they ate corn, that corn came out in their shit, fully intact.  Unicorn has the word CORN right in it.  Putting two and two together, these simple-minded people, thought that if they ate the unicorn, that they could shit out a fully intact unicorn.  Kind of like the Jesus-bread, where they were able to feed the starving masses with a single loaf of bread.  Retarded, yes, "but it's the bible, so it's historically accurate," I type tongue-in-cheek.

Not to mention the Unicorn's single horn, mounted proudly upon their brow, was (at the time) a known aphrodisiac, and if Noah and his family were to re-inhabit the Earth, they were going to need every ounce of help they could muster to keep themselves in the mood.  There was going to be a need for a whole lot of sexy time.  Not to mention that after forty days and forty nights on an ark, surrounded by (nearly) every animal on the planet, neither man or woman was going to appear (or smell) very appealing.  Hell, I've seen people's looks fade after a long weekend camping trip.  Yech!!!

Noah (allegedly) saved the plight of the platypus, the elephant seal, and even the fabled Sasquatch/Yeti, but ate the f*cking unicorns.  Will this aspect of the great flood story be depicted in the new Russell Crowe movie?  F*CK NO!!!  Haven't you heard?  The movie is historically inaccurate.