Nobody F*cks With Reggie

The song "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" became a classic Christmas carol early on.  Recorded by cowboy-crooner, Gene Autry, the song quickly rose to Number One on the charts in 1949.  The song was derived from a short story that was written for the Montgomery Ward department store in 1939, as a marketing ploy to sell seasonal colouring books. The story was written as a poem so adapting it to music came as quite an ease.

There was a mention on the radio earlier this week, discussing the origins of the Christmas classic "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer".  The author, Robert L. May was going to originally name the famed-reindeer Rollo or Reginald before finally settling on Rudolph.  Arguably, Rudolph IS the better name as it more easily rolls off the tongue when singing the song.  More so than Rollo or Reginald.  The radio guy claimed that Rollo or Reginald was difficult to sing in time with the music, to which most would agree, but I'm in the small group or perhaps I may be alone on this, but I think "Reggie the Red-Nosed Reindeer" works just as fine as Rudolph does, but it comes with a catch.  Nobody f*cks with a guy named Reggie.

Rudolph or Rudy isn't a tough sounding name.  If anyone is named Rudolph or Rudy in life, which obviously there is, they need to be tough, because Rudy is not a tough sounding name.  It sounds like a push over.  A runt.  A wimp.  When a Rudy runs up and asks to play in reindeer games, they're obviously going to urge him to piss off.  Reindeer games, after all, for those unfamiliar, are hardcore.  So much, you won't even see your toughest personalities f*cking with that sport.  MMA, NFL, Pro Wrestling?  None of these athletes are f*cking with reindeer games and neither is a Rudolph.  That shit would eat him and and spit his sorry little ass out.

Now a Reggie, red nose or not, he's going to get into the thick of things.  Reggie is the type of reindeer that if he's discouraged once, he's going to take matters into his own hands... er, hooves, and do something about it.  Reggie is going to work out.  Hit the weights, work on his cardiovascular.  Maybe even sneak some steroids to emphasize the matter.  Reggie the red-nosed reindeer doesn't take rejection lightly and he'll come back and he'll whoop some reindeer asses.  You watch.  Reggie won't just play in those reindeer games, but he'll f*ck shit up and become the best, the ultimate reindeer game player. 

Meanwhile, Rudolph.... Rudy, is sitting on the sidelines watching all the game play, wondering why everyone is so mean.  Grow a backbone, Rudolph!!  For Christ's sake, not everything gets handed to you on a platter.  Take some initiative!!

That's what happened, though.  Reginald -- Reggie was never to be.  Reggie is a tough son-of-a-bitch.  Reggie makes for a short uneventful song.  Rudolph, on the other hand, shows a challenge. Displays diversity.  Rudolph is the underdog that everyone feels needs to be cheered.  To be championed.  That's why on that fateful Christmas Eve night, when the fog was so thick, Santa couldn't see the belly that was in front of him, he called on Rudolph to guide the troupe of reindeer and his sleigh, thus plunging Rudolph into history as the most famous reindeer of them all.  Handed to him on a platter.

Throughout history, Reggie or Reginald the Red-Nosed Reindeer is just a discarded note on the floor of the artists office.  Never to see the light of day.  At least not until now....

Behold!  I'd like to introduce you to:
Reginald (Reggie) the Red-Nosed Reindeer

And nobody f*cks with Reggie!!

Brain Freeze

 

I've never experienced, quote-unquote, brain freeze.  I understand from those who have that it can be quite intense and very painful.  On that same note, I've also never had an ear ache, nor been in love.  Although I have never experienced any of these things and, I'm sure, a plethora of other personal experiences, I do believe these things to exist.

For some, seeing is believing.  I've never seen oxygen, but I know it fills my lungs every time I inhale.  I've never witnessed the electricity that runs through my walls, but I know that if I flip a light switch a light will illuminate a room or plug something into a wall, it will operate.  I have no clue how the internet works, but when I click the button in the top right-hand corner of this page, this blog will be posted to the internet for almost no one to read.

This belief, "seeing is believing" is what prompts me to the subject matter of this edition of my Brain Matter.  I was recently reminded of a conversation that I overheard during a lunch break, many many years ago.  It was so asinine that it has permanently burned itself into my inner brain, like a brand that will never fade.

I know not how they, the people at the next table over, arrived at this point of the conversation, but it was from this point on that I was intrigued by the logic involved and by logic, I mean, the lack there of.

Richard was an older gentleman with salt and pepper hair and a thick mustache. He was maybe in his late-fifties, early-sixties, at the time.  I'd just taken a slurp of my soup when I overheard Richard mutter the words, "They say dinosaurs were real, but I've never seen one, so I doubt they ever were."  I nearly did a spit take all over the fella sitting across from me at my table.

With a smart ass smirk smeared across my face and soup dripping down my chin, I turned around to confront that piece of wisdom, but before I could speak, Richard added to his diatribe, "But I believe unicorns were real."

I was in disbelief, not that his beliefs were foolish at best, but that he was being serious.  When I first overheard his contribution to the conversation, I thought he might be talking in jest, tongue-in-cheek, making a feeble attempt to be absurd, but he was dead serious.  I first asked him how he was supposed to see a dinosaur, being that they had been extinct for tens of millions of years prior to human existence.  Richard shrugged and said, "Show me proof."

I paused for a moment and mentioned that there were literally museums all over the world that housed complete skeletons of dinosaurs, ranging in tiny molluscs all the way up to gargantuan Brontosaurus', but Richard informed me that he doesn't like going to museums.  The response made no sense as to why he'd deny the existence of dinosaurs only because of a dislike for viewing history through the museums of the world.  So I broached the logic of the unicorn.

"There's absolutely no proof that unicorns ever existed." I said, "How is it you believe they were real?"

Richard looked at me with a blank stare and spoke these words through his thick mustache, "Because the Irish Rovers* had a song about unicorns."  I stared back at Richard, utterly speechless, experiencing a true WTF moment, completely in disbelief that this was the logic of a man, who for all consideration, was responsible for operating dangerous equipment on the manufacturing floor, where we worked at the time.

"So by that logic," I said, "Because the Irish Rovers also have a song about Grandma being runover by a reindeer, Santa Claus is real?"

Richard looked at me like I was speaking another language, replying, "No.  That's just stupid."

The exchange had concluded and I spun my chair back around and finished my lunch.  It's been nearly a decade since we had that exchange.  I'm sure Richard has long since passed away, but if he hasn't, then I'm almost certain he's wasting his golden years sitting in his living room, listening to old Irish Rover records and believing that same stupid shit.

I was telling my mother about that conversation about a week ago.  She cocked her head to the side, like a German Shepherd when you mention going for a walk.  "What the hell?" she said, total disbelief that there are people in this world who really are that foolish.

The conversation reminded me of another short conversation that I had with Ernie, who sat at the end of the lunch table where I sat.  Ernie was a devout Christian or one of those seriously religious groups.  In all honesty, I don't know the difference between any of them, but over the years, I've managed to keep my beliefs on the matter, to myself, and not confront anyone, unless they start pushing that nonsense on me.

The movie, NOAH, starring Russell Crowe and Jennifer Connelly had just come out.  Knowing that I went to a lot of movies, Ernie asked if I had seen it yet.  I told him 'no', that I had no interest in seeing it, then asked if he had.  Suddenly, Ernie's demeanour changed from the happy-go-lucky man that he usually portrayed himself as, switching to a more serious appearance.

Ernie leaned in close, as if to tell me a secret, then pointing a finger at me, shaking it like he was scolding me for finishing the last piece of cake, he sternly uttered the words, "NO! I refuse to see that movie because it's historically inaccurate."

Okay.  Now I was hooked.  Historically inaccurate?  "How do you mean, historically inaccurate?" I asked, "Based on what?"

Ernie sat back in his chair, almost befuddled by the question, confused that I didn't know what reference he was speaking of.  "Why, the bible, of course."

I shrugged my shoulders in defeat and left it at that.  I usually like to have all the facts if I'm going to argue anything with anyone, but I know very little about the bible.  I only have my own theories that are based on nothing, really, but it's my own gospel, so-to-speak, and no one, or very few, will ever agree with me on that.

Years ago, I attended some counselling for anger issues.  I went through a Christian Counselling Center, only because it was essentially free.  I only had to pay what I could afford, which was usually around $10 to $20.  In the sessions, the counsellor would give me homework assignments that would involve reading passages from the bible and I'll be honest.  They helped.  However, I never put much more credibility into the bible than just that.  Like Aesop's Fables, the stories are merely reflections of experiences, meant to guide its readers down a straight and moral path.  Nothing more.  I don't view Jesus as a spiritual leader, but as a figure head.  Just as I see Ronald McDonald as a figure for a company that slings shitty hamburgers, I see Jesus as the mascot for better living.

I've never experienced brain freeze.  I've never seen oxygen or been in love.  These are all things that I cannot see, but believe in and yes.  The irony of that is not lost on me.  Just because I can't see an invisible man who lives in the sky, doesn't mean he doesn't exist, but.... Come on!  I've never seen it, so it can't be true. 😄

The Unicorn Guy

The Irish Rovers are a musical group, who formed in 1963 and although their members mostly hail from Ireland, they are considered a Canadian talent, who have represented our fair country at five World's Fairs.  They have many a popular song throughout the decades, including the hits "Puff The Magic Dragon" and "Wasn't That A Party".  What are their relevance to this blog, you're probably wondering?  Keep reading, as I'll be more than happy to connect the dots for you.

Quite often, while I eat my lunch at work, I keep quiet, opting to listen to everyone else's chatter.  Most times, they speak of their private lives, of which I know nothing about.  However, sometimes the subject matter is so ridiculous, that I can't help but chime in or snicker at the goofiness of it all. 

Today was just one of those silly days.  I don't know what lead up to the subject, but someone muttered about horse flies.  They joked about the small insect actually resembling a horse, but with wings.  They all chuckled at the absurdity.  Then the woman, H______ asked, "I've heard of Horse Fish, but they're not real, are they?"

"You mean, Sea Horses?" I asked.

"Yeah.  Sea Horses aren't real are they?"

"Sea Horses ARE real," I reassured, adding, "It's Sea Unicorns that are make believe."

That's when their conversation really took a sharp left.  The sole male at the table remarked, "Yeah, I'm fairly certain that Unicorns were real.  They don't exist anymore, but I'm pretty sure they did."

I couldn't believe my ears.  Did this guy, just claim that the mythical creature, the unicorn, actually lived at some point in the history of the world?

"No." said another, seated at the table, "Unicorns were never real."

"Finally," I thought to myself, "Someone with a lick of intelligence."

"I think you're wrong," he said, "The Irish Rovers sang a song, The Unicorn, so they must be real."

My jaw dropped, nearly slamming my lunch into the table.  "By that logic," I interjected, "Because the Irish Rovers sang a song about Grandma being hit by a reindeer on Christmas Eve, then Santa Clause must be real, too!"

His table (and mine) laughed at the absurd remark, while R____, aka Unicorn Guy, just smiled, realizing he'd just been bested.  Then adding insult to injury, he laid another ridiculous claim.  "Now dinosaurs, I doubt ever existed.  I can't prove that they didn't, but no scientist can convince me that they did."

Wh-wh-wh-whaaat?!?

"They say that they can test their bones and prove that they existed 65,000 years ago..."

"Sixty-five MILLION..." someone said, correcting him.

"Okay.  Sixty-five million years ago.  How can they say it was sixty-five million years ago, if no one was alive then..?"

So B___, the voice of reason at the table, explained the process of carbon testing.  She is very soft-spoken and I couldn't make out most of what she'd said, if anything at all, but of the bits and pieces I did hear, it sounded logical, but R_____, Unicorn Guy, wouldn't have any of it.  "Nope.  The Earth wasn't here 65,000,000 years ago.  I don't believe it for one second."

"Like I said, I can't prove that dinosaurs never existed, just as scientists can't prove to me that they did, but one thing is for sure.  I know that unicorns were real." the man deposed.

In the end, he wouldn't budge on his beliefs.  Dinosaurs are make believe and unicorns were f*cking real, in his universe.  Also the world isn't millions of years old, but only came into existence when mankind arrived.

I can't believe that there are people like this in the world.  Frickin' moronic people like this in the world.  R____ is a likable enough fella, but wow...

In the end, I can't really fault the guy for sticking by his beliefs.  As goofy as they are, they're no worse than the fact that millions of people in the world believe in an invisible man who lives in the clouds, who sees our every move and choices and helps guide us all by listening to your wishful prayers... 

Give me a break!!!

Reindeer Games

So you should already know Dasher, Dancer, Blinky and Vixen.  Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen.  No, wait!  I'm pretty sure Blinky is one of the Pac-Man ghosts.  So who am I missing?  Uh...  Prancer!!  What the hell kind of name is Prancer?  Suitable for a reindeer, I suppose.  And I always thought Cupid was that fat kid that shot people with arrows on St. Valentine's Day.  Someone's pulling double duty, maybe?

The most famous reindeer of them all, though is Rudolph, of course.  That little fetal-alcohol-syndrome reindeer, born to alcoholic parents, hence the big fat rosy-red nose.  Luckily for Santa Claus, his handicap benefited all on that fateful night that almost grounded the jolly fat man and his team of reindeer.

According to the song, however, young Rudolph was victim to bullying.  Shunned by his peers because of his glowing appendage.  Teased, mocked and bullied, rejected from playing any of the games that they'd play on a regular basis.

I'm sure the little reindeer had entertained thoughts of leaving the confinement of the North Pole, heading south to  civilization, where no one knew him, and starting over, but hesitated because of the extreme limitations bestowed upon a four-legged creature whose only skills were flying and firing up a glowing red nose.  Unfortunately, when you're born a magical reindeer, no matter your skill set, your vocational options are pretty limited.

So on that fateful foggy eve, it came as some surprise when the jolly elf himself, Santa Claus, came a knocking on the barn door and "volun-told" Rudolph to guide his sleigh that night.  The song suggests that St. Nick asked Rudolph to guide his sleigh, but being that he owned his ass, it was high-time to return the favour from years of free food and shelter.

So now, his very existence validated by the big boss man himself, the other reindeer now honoured and respected Rudolph because of his glowing red nose.  So upon the return from that global tour, they now accepted him into the fold and allowed him to play the very reindeer games, that they prevented him from participating in all those previous years.

This song has always pissed me off some, because of the sudden change of attitude by the eight reindeer.  To bully someone because of a physical handicap, only to then accept them just because one person vouched for them being cool?  If I were Rudolph, suddenly faced with a new important role on the team, so important now, that I'd inspired someone in the world to compose a song about me, I'd tell those reindeer to "piss off".  They could now join ME in MY reindeer games.

What kind of games can a reindeer play anyway?  They only have hooves and antlers.  Doesn't leave much room for anything but running and locking up horns.  Sounds like a lot of work if you ask me, and Rudolph was probably better for never having to had played at all.

So have yourselves a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS, everyone.  Now that you know more of the facts, enjoy singing about the most famous reindeer of them all, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, with your loving families around the ol' Christmas tree. Wish you all the best in 2013.