It's no secret that I've been lost as of late. It's getting the point where I barely know who I am, let alone what my purpose in life is anymore. These days, I live in perpetual sorrow. Distressed about where I am, who I am, and what is to become of me. I am, for lack of a better term, lost.
Last Sunday our family gathered at my mom's to have an Easter weekend feast. My mom made a delicious spread, complete with a roast, mashed potatoes and veggies. It was an amazing meal. Afterward, as the grown ups were seated around the table, my sister began reading from an app on her phone, regarding numbers and their numerological meanings.
Overzealous as always, my youngest nephew was spouting off numbers faster than my sister could read out their meanings. Finally, I had a chance to inquire about the number sequence that I continually see, to this day.
The number I always see, is 1129. I'll see it in books. On the digital clock at my bedside. Out in the world. Randomly, at different times, I'll glance over at something and I'll see the number 1129. I was born on November 29th, 11-29, which makes the number stand out even more.
I've always held the day in the highest regard, celebrating it's existence more so than Christmas, even. It's rarely a celebration of my birth, but to commemorate the day. I've never worked on the day, not even attending school as a kid. It's just something I've never done. Well.., actually. I did, in fact, work on my birthday once, but it was SO disastrous and unlucky, that I've never done it again, to this day.
So when asked, my sister began to tell me that 1129 is an Angel Number. That angels work in mysterious ways and while they won't come right out and show themselves to us, they will hide hidden meanings in numbers. She began telling me that I needed to be more charitable. That I should be donating time and money to deserving causes. She also said that I needed to get in touch with my spirituality. That it was necessary for me to get right with God and that God would show me the path that I was destined to be on and that then I would feel happy and fulfilled.
My sister is not a religious person. I don't know what, exactly, her position is on God and church and all that stuff. I know my stance on the whole religious situation and it's not good. My sister, though, has always had a foot into the, I don't what to call it, the New Age thing. She's always had an interest in reading Tarot cards and mystical shit like that. I remember one time, she had divining rods, which she claimed could answer simple yes and no questions. One time, when I was visiting her at work, she had me try these divining rods. Relaxing the rods in my closed fists, as she'd instructed, I began to ask general questions and to my surprise, the rods would move. Crossing each other for 'yes' and further apart for 'no'. The reason this memory sticks out, is I inquired as to whether or not I'd rekindle a friendship with someone who'd had a falling out with me, through a misunderstanding. The rods crossed, indicating 'yes' and to my surprise, a short while later, that friend did, in fact, reach out to me and our friendship resumed. Though in recent years, we've drifted apart, somewhat, but still keep in touch.
Another time, my sister was reading her Tarot cards for a friend and learned that her friend's husband was being unfaithful. I believed this assumption to be dangerous, as I have some doubts in the legitimacy of this practice, but low and behold, the man was stepping out on his wife, and subsequently, the two divorced. While still a dangerous assumption, it did pan out. A result that I, undeniably, had to acknowledge. That is why when my sister begins explaining to me the meaning behind why I keep seeing that sequence of numbers, I have to believe her to some degree. Especially considering that I have been curious about religion, recently.
I see on TV and in movies and with people all around me, this blind faith in a higher power. An invisible force that guides people through the labyrinth of their lives. I see that and admittedly, I want that. I can't help but think that if I put my trust in a higher power, that maybe my life will have some purpose. A reason for my existence. I recall, during a particularly dark moment, thinking to myself, "I wish I could believe." I envy those who can dedicate their lives to following the gospel.
I can't believe in an invisible man who lives in the clouds. Especially, one who simply calls himself "God", as it seems egocentric. I can't put my faith in something I cannot see with my own eyes. That being said, I do believe in oxygen. It is what helps us breath and it's something I cannot see. I believe in gravity. I can't see it, but I've fallen down enough times to know that it exists. I can't see the electricity that runs through my house, but I know that when I flip a switch or plug something into the wall, a light will come on or the device will operate. So using that logic, I can't help but wonder...? Just because I can't see something, does it mean it doesn't actually exist?
I've put my faith in people before and have been burned. So perhaps I'm jaded. Or perhaps, because human beings are fallible and prone to contamination, that I'm putting my trust in the wrong things or people.
Years ago, I attended a Christian Counselling Group, to combat anger issues. I chose that space, not because of any faith in a higher power, but because I could pay them whatever I could afford, rather than the inflated prices that similar counselling would cost. Through reading passages from the bible, I was able to come to certain conclusions and manage my anger more proficiently. I've long since forgotten what those principles are, but my anger issues have not come back to the violent levels they once were. So remembering that aspect of the experience, I can't help but wonder if I were to return to such counselling, if my issues with depression and anxiety would be remedied..?
I have not seen my 1129 in awhile. Not since before this funk settled in on my life, which makes me wonder. Did the angels give up on me? Very much in the way I feel everything has given up on me? These thoughts just reminded me of that passage: Footprints. Where the person accuses God of deserting him at his most troublesome times, and God responds by saying that He had lifted him up and carried him through those troubled times. It really gives a sceptic, like me, something to think about. 🤔
