I had a picture of myself, once, as an old man. There I'd sit, alone in an old folk's home, when someone would come, sit down and visit with me. The conversation would take me well into the past, exploring my history and contributions in life. One of the questions that would close the conversation would ask: Do you have any regrets? I saw myself sit for a moment, eyebrows furrowed with concentration, then these words escaping my heavy breath, "I regret that I never got to hold a baby."
For anyone who's ever held a baby, words cannot describe the joy that is experienced in an act that seems so minor, yet creates a large impact. Alas, I'll never utter those words, as eight years ago, my sister gave birth to my first, of two, nephews, Jake. At first I rejected the idea of picking the tiny newborn up in my feeble arms, but finally succumbed to the constant urging and as I said, words cannot describe the delight I felt after that moment. He felt so small and warm and trusting in my arms. I was almost afraid to breath, for fear something may happen to the infant child.
Jake and my friend's little girl, who was born around the same time, would be the only babies that I would hold until this date. Due to mitigating circumstances, in my own head, I rarely came for a visit after my second nephew was born. Even today, I rarely come 'round. Other than birthday's and major holiday's, you'll rarely see me in their house. I've always gotten a feeling of... I don't want to say disrespect, but I have always felt like they (my sister and her husband) looked down on me, as I were a f*ck up! In recent times, I'd say that assessment would be accurate, but for the last three or four years, I'd say that was highly inaccurate and premature.
Another factor that convinces me of this attitude, is the way my nephew, Jake, treats me. At one time, he was all I could think about. Inexplicably, the moment he entered this world, I loved that kid. He was always such a cool little boy and I looked forward to the next time that I got to see him. He'd get his mom to phone me up and invite me over for barbecues and play dates. It was cute and endearing. Whenever I'd go to Wal-Mart, I'd swing past the toy department, picking through all the Hot Wheels cars, picking and choosing cars and monster trucks, which I'd gift him on every visit. This sparked an obsession in the boy who today has amassed a collection of monster trucks numbering close to fifty, if not more. Maybe I created a monster.
Since his birth, my life has been like a roller coaster. Up and down, highs and lows that would knock the wind out of the strongest of titans, yet I've managed to keep my head above water. It's been an emotional time, too, where I admit, sometimes I felt like I couldn't go on any further. In the darkest hours, though, I'd find inspiration in that little boy and his addictive laughter that would give me the strength to lower my head and power on. In recent memory, this hasn't been the case anymore...
Chad, is my nephew, the second of the two boys and he's as tough as he is sweet. Every time I see him, he's got a sweet smile that accompanies his baby blues. In the beginning, when I rarely came around their house, he didn't know quite what to make of me, but in the years since, he's warmed up to me and we're like pals. He's always got a kind word to say and is always inquisitive and talkative. He's always got a toy or device in his hand and is willing to show me exactly what he's doing. Chad is a pure joy. He's exactly what Jake used to be. Jake on the other hand, in recent times, seems as defiant towards me, as he is endearing when his parents around.
When mom and dad are nearby, he's happy, joking and dear, but the moment his parents disappear around the corner or out of earshot, Jake's happy smile is quickly replaced with a devious grin and the hurtful comments are fired in my face, like a proverbial cream pie. Seemingly minor comments quickly become razor sharp shards of glass, piercing my skin and stinging like salt on an open wound. A couple weeks back, I was asked to baby sit my nephews and at first, I was excited about the premise, as I'd not seen the boys since just after the New Year. The last time I'd watched the duo, we had fun, eating pizza and drawing and colouring at the table. This time around, wasn't quite so enjoyable.
Chad, as always, was sweet as can be. He had his game boy in hand, thwarting the evils of Mario's world. Jake, was nice, for a while, whilst mom and dad were home and continued as such for the first hour or so of their absence. Together, we went downstairs to his play room and fired up his X-box and played some wrestling before trying our hand at some NHL2015. That was enjoyable until I made the mistake of scoring on his team, and that's when the switch came. Like a wash cloth wiped across a dirty face, gone was the sweet little boy and I was now facing off with a demon child. Not a unholy terror, mind you, but more of a wolf in sheep's clothing. He began to cheat at the game, turning off my ability to control my players, or removing my goalie from net altogether so he'd have the advantage of scoring on an empty net. The novelty of playing a fun game with my nephew wore off quick and I stopped playing with him. Next came the barrage of hatred, including the comment, "Why don't you do everyone a favour and just die."
Another factor that convinces me of this attitude, is the way my nephew, Jake, treats me. At one time, he was all I could think about. Inexplicably, the moment he entered this world, I loved that kid. He was always such a cool little boy and I looked forward to the next time that I got to see him. He'd get his mom to phone me up and invite me over for barbecues and play dates. It was cute and endearing. Whenever I'd go to Wal-Mart, I'd swing past the toy department, picking through all the Hot Wheels cars, picking and choosing cars and monster trucks, which I'd gift him on every visit. This sparked an obsession in the boy who today has amassed a collection of monster trucks numbering close to fifty, if not more. Maybe I created a monster.
Since his birth, my life has been like a roller coaster. Up and down, highs and lows that would knock the wind out of the strongest of titans, yet I've managed to keep my head above water. It's been an emotional time, too, where I admit, sometimes I felt like I couldn't go on any further. In the darkest hours, though, I'd find inspiration in that little boy and his addictive laughter that would give me the strength to lower my head and power on. In recent memory, this hasn't been the case anymore...
Chad, is my nephew, the second of the two boys and he's as tough as he is sweet. Every time I see him, he's got a sweet smile that accompanies his baby blues. In the beginning, when I rarely came around their house, he didn't know quite what to make of me, but in the years since, he's warmed up to me and we're like pals. He's always got a kind word to say and is always inquisitive and talkative. He's always got a toy or device in his hand and is willing to show me exactly what he's doing. Chad is a pure joy. He's exactly what Jake used to be. Jake on the other hand, in recent times, seems as defiant towards me, as he is endearing when his parents around.
When mom and dad are nearby, he's happy, joking and dear, but the moment his parents disappear around the corner or out of earshot, Jake's happy smile is quickly replaced with a devious grin and the hurtful comments are fired in my face, like a proverbial cream pie. Seemingly minor comments quickly become razor sharp shards of glass, piercing my skin and stinging like salt on an open wound. A couple weeks back, I was asked to baby sit my nephews and at first, I was excited about the premise, as I'd not seen the boys since just after the New Year. The last time I'd watched the duo, we had fun, eating pizza and drawing and colouring at the table. This time around, wasn't quite so enjoyable.
Chad, as always, was sweet as can be. He had his game boy in hand, thwarting the evils of Mario's world. Jake, was nice, for a while, whilst mom and dad were home and continued as such for the first hour or so of their absence. Together, we went downstairs to his play room and fired up his X-box and played some wrestling before trying our hand at some NHL2015. That was enjoyable until I made the mistake of scoring on his team, and that's when the switch came. Like a wash cloth wiped across a dirty face, gone was the sweet little boy and I was now facing off with a demon child. Not a unholy terror, mind you, but more of a wolf in sheep's clothing. He began to cheat at the game, turning off my ability to control my players, or removing my goalie from net altogether so he'd have the advantage of scoring on an empty net. The novelty of playing a fun game with my nephew wore off quick and I stopped playing with him. Next came the barrage of hatred, including the comment, "Why don't you do everyone a favour and just die."
I was flabbergasted and truly hurt... Still am, if the truth be told.
When asked how everything went when his dad came home, I neglected to tell Bryan about the comment. I doubt he would've believed it anyway. I did share that just before going to bed, Jake attempted to strike me across the face with a toy hockey stick, but when I grabbed it out of his hand, he resorted to punching me as hard as he could at the base of my neck. Bryan appeared to be none too pleased about the report, but feigned a smile and laughed it off. I doubt the matter was ever addressed with the young boy.
Last night, I dropped by their house, as I needed some help from Bryan. There was an air of fun filling the house. My sister and the boys had visited a game store earlier in the day and picked up a couple puzzle games. A thousand piece puzzle for her, which looked like confetti spread across the table downstairs where she attempted it's assembly, and a couple Rubik's Cubes for the boys. Smiles and laughter filled the house, which felt busy with energy. I stuck around for a short while, catching up on news and gossip, but true to nature, when my sister disappeared downstairs to attend to her overwhelming task and my brother-in-law went outside for a minute, Jake's deviant grin returned and the comments came flying out once more. He told me that I was dumb and stupid and that he was smarter than me, because he could construct a solid colour on his cube in a minute. Again, meaningless on the surface, but disturbing coming from an eight year old who's supposed to love you unconditionally.
What's most baffling to me, is the fact that he only does this when his parents aren't present, which leads me to believe that he knows it's wrong to say such things, but at the same time, where does he get this attitude from? I can't help but wonder if Teri and Bryan aren't badmouthing me when I'm absent and Jake is picking up on this negativity?
What have I done that is so bad that they would hold me in such disregard? So much that their eight year old son would say, "Why don't you do everyone a favour and just die?"
I left their house shortly after, feigning an empty smile of my own, but harbouring a truly broken heart.
Last night, I dropped by their house, as I needed some help from Bryan. There was an air of fun filling the house. My sister and the boys had visited a game store earlier in the day and picked up a couple puzzle games. A thousand piece puzzle for her, which looked like confetti spread across the table downstairs where she attempted it's assembly, and a couple Rubik's Cubes for the boys. Smiles and laughter filled the house, which felt busy with energy. I stuck around for a short while, catching up on news and gossip, but true to nature, when my sister disappeared downstairs to attend to her overwhelming task and my brother-in-law went outside for a minute, Jake's deviant grin returned and the comments came flying out once more. He told me that I was dumb and stupid and that he was smarter than me, because he could construct a solid colour on his cube in a minute. Again, meaningless on the surface, but disturbing coming from an eight year old who's supposed to love you unconditionally.
What's most baffling to me, is the fact that he only does this when his parents aren't present, which leads me to believe that he knows it's wrong to say such things, but at the same time, where does he get this attitude from? I can't help but wonder if Teri and Bryan aren't badmouthing me when I'm absent and Jake is picking up on this negativity?
What have I done that is so bad that they would hold me in such disregard? So much that their eight year old son would say, "Why don't you do everyone a favour and just die?"
I left their house shortly after, feigning an empty smile of my own, but harbouring a truly broken heart.
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