Evolution Got It Right

 I've long thought about this before, and frankly, I'm sure many have, but sitting in the drive-thru, yesterday, fumbling through my wallet as the line of vehicles built up behind me, "I wish I had a third arm."

A third arm would be handy and hell, pardon the pun.  I bet texting while driving wouldn't be an issue anymore as two hands would always be on the wheel, while the third thumbed through social media.  Of course, your eyes wouldn't be on the road, likely, so maybe we, as humans, need to grow a third eye, as well.

Unpacking vehicles alone wouldn't be such a nuisance anymore.  No need to ask for someone to lend a hand, as you'd already have a third hand.  Waving to people would be extra celebratory.  Even jazz hands would be exciting to watch.  Watch...  Hmm.  You could wear a wrist watch on that extra arm.  Okay...  That one is a little silly.

The only drawback would be getting dressed.  I have no idea what the strategy would be for putting on apparel.  Nor have I thought of where the third arm would be situated.  I always figured growing straight out of your chest, but that would be unattractive.  Most of us, myself included, aren't very attractive sans clothing, so adding a protruding arm into the mix, would undoubtedly be somewhat frightening.  Plus, it'd likely get in the way in an industrial setting, and third arms would be getting lopped off left and right... and center.

I guess it could be coming out of our backs, but then how would we sit or sleep.  Most sleep on their side, but turning over would prove impossible as the third arm growing out of your back would act like a kickstand.  Handy if you're one of those adrenaline junkies who climb cliffs and mountains.  You could sleep on a mountain edge without fear of rolling off because of your built-in kickstand.

Speaking of adrenaline junkies, that third arm would impede parachuting apparatus'.  Bungee jumps would be okay, but wingsuits would be impossible, too.

As helpful as that third arm would be, I guess I haven't clearly thought out all the pros and cons yet.  Like which way would the hand fold.  Would it vary from person to person?  Two left folding hands to one right folding hand or vice-versa?  Would it be ambidextrous, meaning it could fold both ways?  That could be handy, again pardon the pun.  Fornication would be interesting...  Good god, can you imagine what the pornographic implications would be?  Shocking to say the least.

As inconvenient as it is, two arms is best.  The people behind me in the drive-thru are just going to have to be more patient.  Evolution got it right!!

Double Deuce

When the name or term 'Double Deuce' is Googled, a number of responses come up.  First, and foremost, is the name of the bar that Patrick Swayze handed ass-kicking's out in the movie Road House.  Another bar and grill that comes up, likely because of where I'm situated in the world, is the bar I used to frequent years 'n' years ago during my drunken stupidity era, then later on, the meeting place where friends and I would consume buffalo wings or the daily special before taking in a movie on 'cheap ass Tuesdays' at the nearby cinema.  That bar no longer exists.  Not by name anyway.  Today it goes by an Irish name that I cannot recall.

The terminology, on the other hand, defines it as something completely different.  By definition, while it sounds country and/or western, what a 'double deuce' is....  Well...  On second thought.  You be  the judge.  The definition that I read online was as follows: A 'double deuce' is the act of when one person is seated on the toilet, taking a shit and a second person sits on the first persons lap and shits through the space between the first person's legs.  Now I shouldn't jump to conclusions, but, this sounds a little gay and quite a bit more daring than I'd ever care to witness.  Let's put it this way; Super Dave Osborne was an amazing stuntman in his day, but not even Super Dave would try such a daunting feat.  Not even with Genuine Saskatchewan Seal Skin Bindings.

I was visiting my mother's house this morning, helping her change the handle on her front door.  After finishing the task, I suddenly had to rush to the washroom.  On her toilet, there's an apparatus that raises the seat up about six inches.  She's on a waiting list to have a hip replacement and attached the seating device early, so as to get the hang of it before the day of her surgery comes.  Unfortunately, for everyone who visits, they also get to practice pooping as if they'd just had a hip replacement.  Thus was my experience.  After conducting my business, I returned to the kitchen where we'd been chatting.  I marveled in two things when  I sat down.  One was remembering a blog that I wanted to write involving the Zombie Apocalypse.  The second was being reminded of the illustrious 'Double Deuce'.  I quickly explained to my mother, who was not privy to the term, and regaled with the response that it gave her.  Normally, her brand of humour shies away from the vulgar, but she laughed loudly at the premise.  I don't know if she'll share the new found knowledge with anyone or if she'll be able to properly retell the story, but those fleeting moments of my mom laughing and shaking uncontrollably, were all too precious for me.

"Double Deuce" sounds like a country 'n' western term and taking a shit between your buddy's legs is pretty gay.., so maybe what I've said for years and years about country music turning people gay, may be true, after all.  I've always stated that it (country music) makes women think about men in tight-fittin' jeans and that it makes men think about men in tight-fittin' jeans.  I actually concocted a joke from that premise once, but nobody understood it.  After a few confused looks and head scratches, I aborted the premise, citing "It's not funny if I have to explain it to you..."

 Guess it was too intellectual for them, or something.