Man on a Mission

In a clear panic, I rushed through the thicket of people, crowded at the front of the store.  I was on the brink of exploding in my pants.  I definitely shouldn't have had that soda pop an hour before, but we always learn something via 20/20 hindsight.  Into the bathroom, past the urinals and straight into the handicapped stall.  I like the extra space.  The seat, thankfully, was already in the upright position, so I needn't balance it on the end of my foot.  I never use my hands for ANYTHING in a public restroom, especially in a f*cking Wal-Mart.

As I unzipped my heavy jacket in preparation for the task at hand, I passively glanced into the bowl , locking my gaze on the most peculiar sight I've ever had the misfortune to see in a public toilet.  I've mulled it over in my mind for the last hour, trying desperately to configure a way to successfully translate what I saw into comprehensible language and I believe I may have it.

In using the facilities at a restaurant, mall or big box store, we've all seen the remnant of the previous user or users.  That fecal muck that sticks to the side of the bowl that no amount of rushing water can successfully wash it away.  However, what I witnessed today was significantly different.  It was of a different viscosity and texture and colour, even.  The colour was a dull grey.  Thick and pebble-like in appearance.  Similar to celery seed, it looked like tiny beads of poo, spackled on the side of the bowl, like plaque on a rotting tooth.  "Ew," I whispered to myself, nose turned up with disgust, shocked by the appearance of this alien matter, "That motherf**ker is a sick puppy."

Granted just because it looks sick as f*ck, doesn't necessarily mean the contributing personality is also terminal.  I can speak from personal experience to initial shock of looking in the toilet expecting something impressive, and instead, discovering something off-putting, gross and concerning, only to remember that I had eaten beets a few hours before.  As to what might turn someone's poop into tiny grey balls of mystery? I don't know, nor do I wish to speculate.  My only goal in writing this blog, is to simply report the shit that I see.  Well, that and I wanted to use the simile that I thought of.

Despite my initial surprise, I never allowed it to deter me.  I was on a mission, after all.  A mission to avoid peeing my pants, and god damn it, crisis averted.  Mission accomplished!!

Near Death Experience

My life flashed before my eyes, as I gazed back into the bowl to inspect the damage.  The sight was a blood curdling crimson red.  I was horrified at what might be afoot, now, with regards to my continuing spiraling health. In addition to the plethora of ailments that have plagued me over the past few years, I speculated that something truly sinister was invading my body and I would soon be visiting another battery of invasive medical specialists poking and prodding my body, humming and hawing with great speculation, wrought with supposition and very little certainty.  More medical professionals labeling me an "odd duck", which is not a proper medical terminology.

What I saw in that toilet bowl was horrific.  Like a murder scene from "Dexter".  A few shards of muddied feculence blanketed with the deepest crimson colour.  A colour so intense that if someone drove up in a hot rod of the same hue, it'd surely turn onlooker heads, but splashed inside the toilet bowl was true horror and a real cause for concern.

"What will become of my boy?" I thought, in reference to my cat.  My mother is getting on in years and will be unable to take care of a feline friend.  My sister already has a St. Bernard, whom my cat, Monkey, detests greatly, not to mention his dislike of children.

What of my other possessions?  My house?  My truck?  My car?  So many things that I have in my greedy hands that I don't want to share with others in the event of my untimely passing.  What the hell am I going to...?  Wait a second!!

"Awe, shit!!" I said, aloud, having just remembered I had beets for supper, last night.  "That explains the ungodly sight."

An overwhelming sigh of relief erupted from my breath.  I would survive, after all.  What with all the healthy meals I've been preparing, as of late, I expect to live a very long time.., as dreadful as that idea is to bear.