Spiders Are Dicks!!

Spiders are dicks!  At least the ones around my house are.

Spiders in and around my house place their little (and not so little) webs in the most irritating places, in an effort (obviously) to catch and devour insects.  I notice their webs in the nooks and crannies throughout my abode.  In the corner, between the wall, floor and counter.  There seems to be a monstrosity that repeatedly appears by my front door, almost daily, that seems to catch nothing but dirt and lint carried in from the outdoors.  There's a terribly large formidable one in the backyard that, to be quite honest, I'm a little afraid to approach.  The one thing that they all seem to have in common is: No insects!

I don't know if these spiders are catching insects and eating them before I notice anything or if they're just too stupid to actually catch anything.  They must be doing the former as some of these spiders grow to disgustingly large sizes, which then becomes a real problem for me.  I have arachnophobia!

I used to be deathly... And I do mean deathly afraid of spiders.  I'd see a spider and I'd almost shutdown physically.  I'd be like...  I don't want to say that I was "like a chick", because most women that I know, would always mock me as they strode by me to "rescue" me from the terrifying spider-monster.  Suffice it to say, I was a true wimp, when it came to dealing with spiders.  My fears, however, were well founded, though.

A few years ago, while living in a basement suite on the east side of Saskatoon, I fell "victim" to a spider bite.  A couple times, to be exact.  One time a spider bit me on my shin and the skin in that region, literally dissolved away.  It was several months of applying ointments and changing bandages before the flesh in that area finally healed.  Then it happened a second time, but on my big toe.  That bite had more lasting effects, of which I continue to experience to this day.  The flesh grew back, after much speculation by doctors and specialists on whether or not to amputate the appendage.  However, my foot has been numb ever since.  It's been over ten years since I've felt my left foot.

Needless to say, with the exception of the Spider-Man movies, I'm not real stoked on spiders.  On the plus side, my deathly fear of them has subsided enough to where I can throw down extreme vengeance on them.  I see a spider and I can grab a paper towel and go in for the kill.  I see a web I don't want, I grab a lighter.  (FYI - Be very careful, as some of these motherf*ckers can go off like a Roman candle.)

For the most part, though..; Spiders are dicks!!  What prompts this belief, besides the fact that sometimes my shoe will fall off my left foot and because of the lack of feeling, I won't notice this.  Thankfully, it only happens around the house (and only once at the Costco -- Only noticed because I inadvertently kicked it ahead of me. *True story.)

In addition to the spider epidemic in my household, I have trouble with ants.  This year, they've not been the problem that they've been in recent years.  Not indoors, anyway.  However, outside, next to the door leading into my garage, there are swarms of them.  They've dug through the concrete and burrowed through the wall.  There are droves and droves of them inside and out.  Roaming freely among all the spider webs inside the garage.  I've bore witness to this.  Spiders sitting there watching the ants make a mockery out of them and all the while I'm thinking, "What the f*ck are you doing?"

Ants are insects.  Why the f*ck aren't the spiders doing anything to catch these little bastards?  Not meaty enough?  Maybe not one or two, but they could literally catch a thousand of these little f*ckwads, and have a buffet for all their little spider friends and family.  But no.  They just wanna sit there like dicks!!

I've poisoned the ants.  I've done this a couple of times in the last month and a half.  I would send the bill for the ant poison to the spiders, if I thought they would pay, but alas...  Spiders are dicks!

Death To Them All!!

Like a scene from The Amazing Spider-Man, the web extended across the entire opening of my garage.  I feared to speculate exactly what the spider was hoping to entangle in such an extravagant monstrosity of webbing, but found it even more troubling to have to rush to find a viable entrance into the garage.  Time was of the essence and I found myself doing that familiar dance in my driveway.  The combination of twisting, turning and struggle to rid myself of clinging strands of webbing.  I was only gone a couple of hours and upon my return home, the busy spider had repaired all the damage from where I'd infiltrated.

I've often struggled with the logic of WHY we need spiders?  They eat all the insects and flying bugs.  Alright.  I'll give you that one.  WHY do we need so many god damned insects and flying bugs, then?  What purpose do they serve?  They help plants to feed and grow.  Okay.  I'll give you that one, but WHY do we need so may damned varieties?  No answer?  Gotcha!!

This is further proof that there's no God.  If there is, there's no logic in why shit is the way it is!  Case and point; The Platypus.  A beaver with a duck bill who lays eggs.  The drugs must've been free flowing that day.

There's NO NEED for spiders.  Seriously.  Get rid of them all.  If we need spiders, then keep one species.  We don't need separate spiders for the forest, then another for the desert and another for urban environments then another for...  It's bullshit.  Just one.

I freakin' HATE spiders and I don't know many people who do like them.  There are those few who like to have them as pets.  I still scratch my head on the idiocy of that choice, but PEOPLE!!!  Choose another pet!!  For instance, get a gerbil.  They're small, furry and creepy looking.

What about Spider-Man?  They're fun movies to watch and comics to read, but that's all make believe.  I'm talking real life.  I'm sure you can get the same charm and charisma from a hero bitten by a radioactive gerbil.  Besides, when I'm watching the Spider-Man movies, a part of my brain is thinking about all the god damned webs left unattended in New York City.

I find tend to find a lot of spiders in my house.  I don't know how they get in here, nor do I know what they hope to catch in my basement.  With exception to a few ants, my home is essentially insect-free.  There's nothing to catch here, but my annoyance and anger.  However, like the ants that I discover, I make a deal with each and every culprit.  I tell them that IF they're able to survive being flushed, then they have an open invitation to live in my home for as long as they wish to stay.  Thankfully, no one has survived and even if they do, I'm quick to re-neg on my deal.

Worst of all, is my poor house.  I live in a four-level split and it's riddled with spider webs all over the siding.  I don't have the means to hose them off, at the moment, so my house is beginning to look like the Haunted Mansion on the corner.  I'm not real enthused about the whole situation.

I just finished having a back-and-forth debate on the impending doom / American election.  As a Canadian, I'm unable to vote, but I'd proudly back whichever candidate if one of the campaign promises was to obliterate the world of spiders.

Davy Jones' Locker

First of all, may I just say that Google is f*cking amazing.  No matter how stupid the search description is that is typed into the information bar, more times than not, the exact result is found within a fraction of a second.  Believe me when I say, "I've set forth, deter-mined to find a picture for some really stupid shit, and by god, Google finds it every f*cking time.  I've tried that with Bing....  F*ck Bing.  Useless as all f*ck, but Google?  Absolutely amazing!  When I punched in "Pirate Grasshopper", I didn't think I'd actually find a 'grasshopper pirate'.  Granted, it looks pretty cheezy, but they can't all be golden.