First of all, may I just say that Google is f*cking amazing. No matter how stupid the search description is that is typed into the information bar, more times than not, the exact result is found within a fraction of a second. Believe me when I say, "I've set forth, deter-mined to find a picture for some really stupid shit, and by god, Google finds it every f*cking time. I've tried that with Bing.... F*ck Bing. Useless as all f*ck, but Google? Absolutely amazing! When I punched in "Pirate Grasshopper", I didn't think I'd actually find a 'grasshopper pirate'. Granted, it looks pretty cheezy, but they can't all be golden.
I live in a house that has been plagued with intruding creatures ever since I first moved in. This is nothing that unusual. I've been invaded by a menagerie of different species, all insect, ever since fleeing my mother's house all those many many years ago. There was the house where the bees would fly down the chimney of the fireplace and gain entry that way. That same domicile also had a f*ck load of spiders. I was even bitten by one of those spiders while I slept one night. The sore became quite festered and blew up making a puss-like mess. It was quite disgusting. I recall on another occasion, a spider, not the same one. Or at least I hope it wasn't, although this particular one was quite large. It had the circumference larger than a nickel, but less than a quarter... Roughly. I was watching television, when I noticed this little bastard cross the floor in front of me. It stopped. Literally turned to face me, then bucked up like a horse and began rushing towards me. I jumped up into my chair, as I am a major arachnophobe. I think I did manage to kill it, tossing a magazine on top of it, then stomping my feet down on it, cursing it all the way.
I bought my house in 2008. It's a nice four-level-split just off a major street in the city's north end. As with any home that has a basement, no matter how air tight your home is, the bugs are going to find a way in. Even though my house should be tighter than a nun's pitooty, the bugs have always found a way in. I get the odd spider, which I've overcome my arachnophobia to some extent, using a shitload of toilet paper to pounce on them then flushing them. I also seem to have an abundance of centipede's and another beetle-like creature that possesses more than six or even eight legs. It's like ten or twelve. I've managed to capture them the same way as the spiders and always send them straight to hell, by way of Davy Jones' locker.
Earlier this year, I've been plagued with ants. I've fought to keep them at bay, but it's an ongoing fight as well. My cat, Monkey, has been heroic in his efforts to catch the monster flies and moths that sneak into the house, and on occasion, has even caught a mosquito or two, even though they are a bit more elusive.
About thirty minutes ago, I got up to use the washroom down stairs. I glanced over on the floor, noticing an elongated shape. "Another f*cking centipede." I thought to myself. I leaned in to see if that's what it was, but low light and my eyesight being a little f*cked as of late, I couldn't see it very clearly. I scooped it up with a piece of paper and was horrified to discover that it was the leg of a grasshopper!! I was petrified. When the f*ck did a grasshopper get into my house? How did it get in my house and where the f*ck is the rest of it? I can only speculate that how ever it got inside, that my boy, Monkey, caught the motherf*cker and had eaten it. I asked him, but he clammed up, refusing to tell me.
I can only hope that I find it wrapped in brown cat shit when I scoop out the boy's sandbox, because the last thing I want to have happen is waking up to a grasshopper, punching me on the nose asking where his f*cking leg is. "It's buried at sea, motherf*cker!!"
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