News of the death came suddenly and unexpected, yesterday afternoon. I was sitting on my couch, flipping through my Twitter feed, like I've done thousands of times before, when all of a sudden the feed was blanketed with well wishes and RIPs to the beloved comedian. My heart stopped and sunk deep into my chest. Panic overwhelmed me, mixed with confusion and disbelief. What sort of tragedy could've happened? I wondered, speculating maybe another heart episode, given he'd had heart problems in the past.
I scrambled to my PC and immediately tapped his name into Google. I was first met with a website that claimed that Robin Williams was the victim of a death hoax, similar to one's experienced by Jeff Goldblum, Jackie Chan, Russell Crowe and even Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, who responded "I would love to meet the person who is starting rumors of my death - to show them how a dead foot feels up their ass!" I rested back in my chair, relieved for a moment that the reports of Williams' death, was a a ruse. However, the dozens of websites directly beneath that one, told a much different tale. A much darker and dreadful story, that broke my heart all over again.
Reports that the actor was discovered asphyxiated in his home. Immediately, speculation jumped to suicide, although at the time, it was only mentioned that the actor had been experiencing major depression as of late. To jump immediately to the conclusion of suicide, though... I didn't want to believe it. I refused to believe it. It's one thing to feel helpless and alone. I feel like that almost everyday. It's another thing, I feel, to feel this way, yet have dozens of avenues all around you. Robin has wonderful loving children. He's got a beautiful loving wife. Dozens of caring friends and millions of fans. Twitter, alone, is a fantastic artery for fans to connect with their heroes to send well-wishes and praise. Albeit, there are some assholes who use the social media device to shit on people, but this is Robin-freakin'-Williams, an angel of men who walked amongst us. I'm nobody special, but I get overwhelmed with good will and pride when someone responds positively to one of my tweets.
Found asphyxiated, they claimed. I thought immediately that perhaps it was an accident. Perhaps an allergic reaction to something. Maybe he was on a new prescription and it reacted the wrong way. Speaking personally, my allergy to peanuts is so bad, that if I'm simply in a room with the nut, I can feel my chest grow tight and breathing becomes laboured in a major way. If left too long, I'm confident my dead ass would be found slumped in a corner.
Sadly, the news was broke today. Robin Williams committed suicide by hanging himself with a belt. I was speechless. Saddened by the report, but more so by how sad and miserable he must have been in those final moments. The room grew silent, as if the entire world had been placed on pause. No birds were chirping, no traffic passed by my house. It was like the entire world had stopped for a respective moment of silence. I commented on a friend's Facebook post yesterday that if feels like a huge void has been left in his wake.
Found asphyxiated, they claimed. I thought immediately that perhaps it was an accident. Perhaps an allergic reaction to something. Maybe he was on a new prescription and it reacted the wrong way. Speaking personally, my allergy to peanuts is so bad, that if I'm simply in a room with the nut, I can feel my chest grow tight and breathing becomes laboured in a major way. If left too long, I'm confident my dead ass would be found slumped in a corner.
Sadly, the news was broke today. Robin Williams committed suicide by hanging himself with a belt. I was speechless. Saddened by the report, but more so by how sad and miserable he must have been in those final moments. The room grew silent, as if the entire world had been placed on pause. No birds were chirping, no traffic passed by my house. It was like the entire world had stopped for a respective moment of silence. I commented on a friend's Facebook post yesterday that if feels like a huge void has been left in his wake.
Left to my own thoughts, I couldn't help but wonder about his state of mind. Curious as to what brought him to the point that he felt there was no other alternative, but to exit this world. In the past, I can recall a couple of occasions where I was so low that I did actually want to die. Once in high school, but opted out realizing that it was more out of spite than out of releasing any sort of mental anguish. Then again a few years ago, when I'd lost my job due to horrendous circumstances. Kind words from a person I cared deeply for, literally saved my life that day. Nowadays, I have a cat. My "little boy", Monkey, and as goofy as it sounds, no matter how dark and sad and depressed I get, I will never do anything malicious to myself, because I have him and he depends on me. I have nephews, too. About the only family members that I actually like on a personal level, but it's my boy, Monkey that keeps me inside the lines of sanity.
It's not out of some kind of morbid curiosity that I think about the suicide, but more of a need to understand. The human body, as a whole, possesses a natural need to survive. It does it without thought. As natural as it is for your heart to pump blood or your lungs to inhale oxygen, so is the will to survive. So to wrap a belt around your neck then lean into it in order to choke yourself out... I can't fathom it. It ranks up there with my fear of drowning. I can't wrap my head around the mechanics required to succumb to that.
Depression is a helluva thing. I don't know why I suffer from it. I don't take medication for it, nor have I sought out any sort of counselling to solve it. It's something that I live with every day... It's another fact of life. Like asthma, my sore broken back, or my rugged good looks. They're all a curse, but it's what makes me... well... ME!
My heart is broken, today. Saddened at what the world has lost. Just like the years that have followed 9/11, where I can't look around without remembering how things were before we'd lost our innocence, I'm not going to be able to look around at all the absurdity and comedy in the world without thinking about Robin Williams.
Depression is a helluva thing. I don't know why I suffer from it. I don't take medication for it, nor have I sought out any sort of counselling to solve it. It's something that I live with every day... It's another fact of life. Like asthma, my sore broken back, or my rugged good looks. They're all a curse, but it's what makes me... well... ME!
My heart is broken, today. Saddened at what the world has lost. Just like the years that have followed 9/11, where I can't look around without remembering how things were before we'd lost our innocence, I'm not going to be able to look around at all the absurdity and comedy in the world without thinking about Robin Williams.
"You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."
- Robin Williams -
August 11th, 2014 - The world lost something truly special. The important thing, though, is to learn from this tragedy. See you on the other side, Oh Captain, My Captain.
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