Innocence Lost - RIP Robin Williams

News of the death came suddenly and unexpected, yesterday afternoon.  I was sitting on my couch, flipping through my Twitter feed, like I've done thousands of times before, when all of a sudden the feed was blanketed with well wishes and RIPs to the beloved comedian.  My heart stopped and sunk deep into my chest.  Panic overwhelmed me, mixed with confusion and disbelief.  What sort of tragedy could've happened? I wondered, speculating maybe another heart episode, given he'd had heart problems in the past.

I scrambled to my PC and immediately tapped his name into Google.  I was first met with a website that claimed that Robin Williams was the victim of a death hoax, similar to one's experienced by Jeff Goldblum, Jackie Chan, Russell Crowe and even Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, who responded "I would love to meet the person who is starting rumors of my death - to show them how a dead foot feels up their ass!"  I rested back in my chair, relieved for a moment that the reports of Williams' death, was a a ruse.  However, the dozens of websites directly beneath that one, told a much different tale.  A much darker and dreadful story, that broke my heart all over again.

Reports that the actor was discovered asphyxiated in his home.  Immediately, speculation jumped to suicide, although at the time, it was only mentioned that the actor had been experiencing major depression as of late.  To jump immediately to the conclusion of suicide, though...  I didn't want to believe it.  I refused to believe it.  It's one thing to feel helpless and alone.  I feel like that almost everyday.  It's another thing, I feel, to feel this way, yet have dozens of avenues all around you.  Robin has wonderful loving children.  He's got a beautiful loving wife. Dozens of caring friends and millions of fans.  Twitter, alone, is a fantastic artery for fans to connect with their heroes to send well-wishes and praise.  Albeit, there are some assholes who use the social media device to shit on people, but this is Robin-freakin'-Williams, an angel of men who walked amongst us.  I'm nobody special, but I get overwhelmed with good will and pride when someone responds positively to one of my tweets.

Found asphyxiated, they claimed.  I thought immediately that perhaps it was an accident.  Perhaps an allergic reaction to something.  Maybe he was on a new prescription and it reacted the wrong way.  Speaking personally, my allergy to peanuts is so bad, that if I'm simply in a room with the nut, I can feel my chest grow tight and breathing becomes laboured in a major way.  If left too long, I'm confident my dead ass would be found slumped in a corner.

Sadly, the news was broke today.  Robin Williams committed suicide by hanging himself with a belt.  I was speechless.  Saddened by the report, but more so by how sad and miserable he must have been in those final moments.  The room grew silent, as if the entire world had been placed on pause.  No birds were chirping, no traffic passed by my house.  It was like the entire world had stopped for a respective moment of silence.  I commented on a friend's Facebook post yesterday that if feels like a huge void has been left in his wake.

Left to my own thoughts, I couldn't help but wonder about his state of mind.  Curious as to what brought him to the point that he felt there was no other alternative, but to exit this world.  In the past, I can recall a couple of occasions where I was so low that I did actually want to die.  Once in high school, but opted out realizing that it was more out of spite than out of releasing any sort of mental anguish.  Then again a few years ago, when I'd lost my job due to horrendous circumstances.  Kind words from a person I cared deeply for, literally saved my life that day.  Nowadays, I have a cat.  My "little boy", Monkey, and as goofy as it sounds, no matter how dark and sad and depressed I get, I will never do anything malicious to myself, because I have him and he depends on me.  I have nephews, too.  About the only family members that I actually like on a personal level, but it's my boy, Monkey that keeps me inside the lines of sanity.

It's not out of some kind of morbid curiosity that I think about the suicide, but more of a need to understand.  The human body, as a whole, possesses a natural need to survive.  It does it without thought.  As natural as it is for your heart to pump blood or your lungs to inhale oxygen, so is the will to survive.  So to wrap a belt around your neck then lean into it in order to choke yourself out...  I can't fathom it.  It ranks up there with my fear of drowning.  I can't wrap my head around the mechanics required to succumb to that.

Depression is a helluva thing.  I don't know why I suffer from it.  I don't take medication for it, nor have I sought out any sort of counselling to solve it.  It's something that I live with every day...  It's another fact of life.  Like asthma, my sore broken back, or my rugged good looks.  They're all a curse, but it's what makes me... well... ME!

My heart is broken, today.  Saddened at what the world has lost.  Just like the years that have followed 9/11, where I can't look around without remembering how things were before we'd lost our innocence, I'm not going to be able to look around at all the absurdity and comedy in the world without thinking about Robin Williams.

"You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

- Robin Williams -

August 11th, 2014 - The world lost something truly special.  The important thing, though, is to learn from this tragedy.  See you on the other side, Oh Captain, My Captain.

What's The Matter, Slugger?

There's another story in the news about some kid, who after feeling bullied, brought a 12-gauge shotgun to school and shot a kid.  Thankfully, he was stopped by a teacher and a school counselor before he had a chance to turn the gun on two more intended targets.

After tragedies like this, the movie theater catastrophe last summer and the slaughter of twenty school children before Christmas, I don't understand why people, gun enthusiasts included, don't see that there's an obvious problem with firearms.  "It's our right to own guns!" they say, "The Second Amendment* says so..."

(*Second Amendment of the United States Constitution)

Isn't it funny how there's 27 amendments in the U.S. Constitution, but people seem to only remember that one, or the first when they want to shoot their mouths off, or the fifth when they wish not to incriminate themselves in a court of law.

When these tragedies occur and all the zealots are exclaiming there Second Amendment rights, I'm a little confused as to why NO ONE HAS REALIZED that the Second Amendment was proposed in 1789 and enacted in 1791, when a gun consisted of loading a lead ball into a barrel packed with batten and gun powder.  Of course it would've made sense to own more than one rifle.  Especially with the threat of foreign invasion looming over your head.  If the suggestion would've been made to the forefathers of the great nation of the United States, that one day there would be guns made that could shoot off 25 bullets within two seconds* of time, their unusually small and narrow minds would've strung you up for heresy.  I guarantee, however, that if there were a time machine available and any one of the founding fathers were brought to modern day America, that Second Amendment would read a little differently.

(*I just watched an episode of Mythbusters, where a Tech 9's magazine (25 bullets) was emptied in just 2 seconds...)

In previous blogs, I've stated how I was bullied in school growing up.  I never once considered grabbing a shotgun from home and blowing those kids away.  Of course, I lived on a farm and rode a school bus into the city, where I was schooled, so it would've been quite an ordeal to smuggle a rifle to school unbeknownst.  That or the fact that, even to this day, I have no idea how to load a shotgun with shells.  I believe my dad kept the shells up on a shelf and I was too short to reach them anyway.  But I digress.  The thought of blowing them away, never even entered my highly imaginative mind.

As I recall, one time, while cornered by a bully, I did grab a large stick that was close by.  That seemed to fend them off long enough to escape to safety.  This memory prompts me to wonder why these troubled kids, don't just resort to bringing a Louisville Slugger to school to take care of business.  A baseball bat would prove to be much more personal when attacking their attackers.  Shooting them from a distance, seems like the cowardly way out.  

Of course, we live in a world that needs to direct blame on someone else, rather than owning up to our own gaffes.  Just as guns get the blame for school shootings, so would pro wrestling or baseball be blamed for a kids whacking off kids with a Louisville Slugger and not the fact that the social cliques in our schools are seriously fractured.

I realize that these statements make it sound like I'm condoning school violence.  I'm NOT!!!  Really!!  Believe me, the whole premise of using "vigilante justice" to get even with school bullies, is completely alien and retarded, in my opinion.  Especially in an era where "anti-bullying" is very trendy.  All a troubled student need do, nowadays, is go to a school counselor or teacher and report the bullying incident.  If the school official fails to take the problem seriously, the bullied teen can simply add the words, "I'm feeling 'shooty'...!"  That ought to grab someone's attention.

I've always thought communication was malformed and unreliable.  In most cases, referring to my own experience, the reports go unresolved and lost in the jumble of everyday lives.  These days, communication is a vital necessity.  Whether it be with a teacher, a parent, or whomever.

The student, that I mentioned at the top of this page, who was shot by that kid with the shotgun, is in hospital recovering.  Hopefully they will survive this ordeal and won't be permanently affected by the ordeal.  The teacher and counselor who distracted and disarmed the shooter are, today, understandably shaken.  At the time they didn't know if he would add them to the list of casualties (or worse), but knew something had to be done to stop him.  They don't want to be referred to as "heroes", although their acts were heroic.  And as for the kid who brought his shotgun to school, officials say he will be tried as an adult.

Ironically, he felt victimized and bullied, hence his acting out so violently.  If convicted, he will go to prison where he's going to really be bullied by fellow inmates, bullied up his ass.  That boy's going to be someone's bitch, this much is certain...

Dead Silence

"As it was going down it was getting louder and louder and then all of a sudden it was just quiet." described an eye witness via telephone interview Monday, "When it hit the ground, I didn't see it, but then there was just dead silence."

Saturday morning two planes collided in the skies over the small town of St. Brieux, Saskatchewan, and while such plane crashes, similar to this, crash all over the world, there are usually mitigating circumstances involved.  Normally some evidence that would point investigators in the right direction, in hopes of solving the mystery of why two perfectly good aircraft, with two (presumably) capable pilots, met with such tragedy.  As of the writing of this piece, nothing clear has been released by investigators.

The mystery that plagued me, though, ever since first learning of this tragedy this morning, is how the f*ck is it possible for two planes to collide head-on?  If the air space over St. Brieux was congested with hoards of flying aircraft, one could plausibly concede that such traffic would be a contributing factor to the crash.  However, being that St. Brieux (and area) is practically in the middle of nowhere, chances are that this factor is not a contributor to the accident.

So how the hell do you suppose that the ONLY two airplanes in the sky for virtually hundreds of miles around, managed to plow into one another.  I speculated that one was flying out of the direction of the sun and the other was flying into it, but according to authorities, and given the time of day, this simply was not the case.  So I am baffled.  Not to 'toot my own horn', but I'm pretty good at deciphering a good mystery or puzzle, but this one's got me hooped.

All I know is the odds of something like this occurring, have got to be greater than winning the lottery.  That's like the only two people standing in a desert, firing a gun into the air and winding up shooting one another to death.  Astronomical odds and they managed to do it.  It is senseless.  Senseless that five innocents had to lose their lives, including that of an eleven year old boy, due to a fluke.