As a guy, I of course hate asking for directions. I'm not entirely certain of this, but I believe it's a predetermined trait exclusive to the male DNA. Almost as if a female scientist began the Human Genome study with hopes of pinpointing the exact strand that makes a man unwilling to consult outside aid for directions. Personally, I can read a map pretty damn well, so my reluctance is rarely called upon. However, I have been known to swallow my pride, pull the car over and ask a local for directions for a desired destination. More often than not, I'm given adequate, easy-to-follow instructions and we're well on our way. However sometimes... Sometimes you get someone who, I don't know if they're deliberately trying to f*ck with me or if they're really that f*cking stupid.
There's a plethora of terms that can translate into the measurable mile, but it's the non-specifics that tend to plague my fragile mind. "It's just over yonder." they'll say, leaving me scratching my head, wondering, is it past 'yonder'? Like, do I have to physically cross over yonder to get there? What the f*ck is a 'yonder', anyway? Or they'll say, "It's up the road a piece." A piece of what? A piece of pie? A piece of dog shit? I hear that it's English that's pouring out of their mouth holes, but I haven't got the foggiest idea what the f*ck they're saying... The one term that takes the proverbial cake (I wonder if it was a 'piece of cake' that other fella meant..,) is when they wave their arm in the direction and tell me, "It's down the road a spell."
I wasn't such a great student in school. Some reading difficulties and I tended to daydream a little, but what I was able to catch in my math class, none of it referred to a spell. My English classes covered grammar and spelling, and I can spell words better than most, though I do falter once in a blue moon, but as for math class, a 'spell' never was mentioned. Granted, I never took calculus or trigonometry or any of those complex math sciences. I don't know what the f*ck all that shit was about, but I can be fairly confident that no spells or sorcery was dealt with in those forums, either. So, what the f*ck is a 'spell'?
How far is it? What is it's measurable distance? Being Canadian, I (along with most of the world) was taught the Metric System. A series of tens, hundreds and thousands, blah blah blah, and so on. It's a fairly simple program for measuring distance and mass, that the Americans seem to dismiss a little too easily. My father was raised learning the old Imperial system that measured distance with miles and feet. Weight with pounds and mass with gallons and/or bushels. I remember asking one time, how big a bushel was and he pointed to a basket and said "About as big as that." I was so confused by it all. However, he never once mentioned the elusive 'spell'. He never informed the family that he was going to go fishing at such 'n' such lake, located one hundred spells from home. No. He never did that, because he was a smart man. Not some f*ckin' rube from around the way. (*Apologies for using 'around the way'. I don't know how far that is.)
Mathematics is universal. Literally. No matter where you go on the planet or out in the galaxy. Wherever you are, two plus two will always equal four. And whatever you call it, a mile will equal a mile and a kilometer will equal a kilometer. And I guess, the same will go for stupidity. As Forrest Gump's mama used to say, "Stupid is as stupid does." If people are going to continue using f*cking dumb-ass terminology, then we're always going to have men parked at the side of the road, frantically looking over a map, rather than asking for directions.
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