Sucker Punch

 

For years, people have poked fun, mostly in gest (I hope), regarding how much shit I'm allergic to.  These days, it's mostly foods that I need to be wary of, although there are some outside factors that can send me spinning into turmoil.

Allergic to the usual stuff, like nuts and sunflower seeds, which I don't even need to come in contact with.  If someone simply opens a bag or has a sandwich with peanut butter on it, my lungs tend to close up and breathing becomes laboured.  I'm also allergic to things like honey and beer and so many things that I doubt there's room to fit everything.  Chick peas, I learned the hard way, consuming some hummus at a restaurant many years ago.  My throat had closed off completely by the time I'd found a hospital emergency room that was open at 10pm.  This was when I found out that the City Hospital will not allow anyone in, no matter how bad they need medical attention.  Or at least that's how it was, twenty-plus years ago.

The one benefit to these allergies is that most of the foods that vegans and vegetarians (is there really a difference? 🤔) consume, is made with some item of food that I am deathly allergic to.  Sadly, that is the one and only benefit.  I'm allergic to dogs, so I doubt I'll ever be able to have a dog as a pet.  And I'm also allergic to beer, so there's no hanging out with the boys on the weekend, getting f*cked up and acting stupid.  Those who truly know me, though, are well aware that I'm able to act stupid, sans alcohol.

I'm also extremely allergic to perfume.  If women simply dab a little on, it bothers me, but I get over it quickly, but then there are those women who don't believe "just a dab will do", but choose to douse themselves with that nasty shit so that they don't just smell like whatever this shit is, but the environment around them does too.  One such lady boarded my bus on Monday and the smell has sent me reeling.  I've been sick for two, going on three days, so far.

I'm able to bounce back rather resiliently, but when my senses are overwhelmed, I find myself spiraling and I'm not even certain how to get out of the trouble it causes.  For three days, I've been sniffling, sneezing and coughing.  I've coughed so much that I swear my abs must look like a six pack, by now. (I haven't checked the mirror, but I'm happy to assume.)

The most unfortunate thing is I'm unable to go into the local drugstore, just down the street, as the moment you walk into the store, you're blasted in the face by a toxic mix of perfumes wafting towards the open doorway from the perfume counter greeting you immediately, like a slap in the face.  Like getting struck with a punch you weren't prepared for and as often as I visit this branch of Shopper's Drug Mart, I always forget that the perfume counter is right there.

For a company who prides themselves in the "ability" to help the public in need of remedies, they have a strange way of doing this.  Knowing how triggered many people's allergies are from just a whiff of perfume, WHY place the perfume counter at the front of the store?  The pharmacy should be in the front of the store and the perfume counter stuck back in the rear corner, away from the general public.

It's like the bulk store, putting nuts and peanuts at the front of the store.  I walk in there to grab some parmesan cheese, gummy bears or simulated bacon bits and I'm immediately punched in the stomach by rows of pecans, walnuts and peanuts.  Who designs this shit?  They need a firm smack upside the head.  Reboot that brain of theirs.

I remember as a kid, having such violent allergy attacks that it'd require my being placed in the hospital overnight or for a day or two.  I think it was my cousin's wedding that I went to, but had to stay in the Tisdale hospital, because we stayed at my aunt and uncles house, where they had a cocker spaniel.  Sparky, I believe his name was, but that's about all I recall of that dog.  That and he was completely black and would consistently make me sick beyond all belief.  Puffy eyes and laboured breathing.  I'd be hitting my asthma inhaler like a crackhead does his pipe, thus inducing an asthma attack, which for those unfamiliar is a scary situation.  Especially as a kid.  Each breath is a struggle.

As an adult, I've learned many techniques to avoid placing myself in such peril, but unfortunately, my job involves interactions with the public and that's a factor that I'm not in control of.  I can't predict the fool who will board the bus, ask me a question and spit a half cup of saliva on me in the process, just as I can't predict the woman who will dump a bottle of perfume on herself, instead of showering to get rid of her stink.  If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears.

Penis Butter

 I love Twitter.  I won't lie.  I absolutely love Twitter.  In the beginning, it was described to me as a way for people to share what they're doing with the world.  I thought it was stupid.  Most of my friends and family couldn't care less about what I might have going on in my life, but I would eventually join and my posts rapidly progressed from what I was up to to eventually injecting my thoughts on a variety of subjects.  People still didn't give two shits about what I was doing or saying, but I enjoyed the process, nevertheless.

Eventually, people would clamp onto my words, some positive, but as we all know the interwebs, people seem to grow enlarged testicles and begin quarrelling or trolling me.  I'd fight with some of them, but mostly I'd ignore the ignorance.  One thing about Twitter that I will never change is, I won't say anything to anyone that I'm not prepared to back up.  I do my due diligence on researching, to the best of my ability, the subject that I'm defending.  One of my fondest memories of combating a troll on Twitter, was a tag-team effort between HGTV star, Bryan Baeumler (pronounced "Bomb-ler") and a fella that was adamant about tearing down a Good Samaritan in the Greater-Toronto area.  It was me and Baeumler going back and forth on this individual who was belligerent towards the both of us, despite Baeumler's celebrity.  I'd eventually start calling the man "Arm Chair", referring to the fact that he sat back, dishing out judgement, without ever making an effort to make changes of his own.  I knew Baeumler was on my side, when he, too, began referring to this angry individual as Arm Chair. 😆

I'm currently Twitter friends with a number of celebrities, including some professional wrestlers, but sadly, I've been blocked by a few, too.  I'm not sure as to why, exactly, but I'm sure it had something to do with other people bashing them, then when I attempted to stick up or defend them, they just blocked everyone.  When I discovered that A.J. Styles and Frankie Kazarian were amongst those who have blocked me, I was devastated.  When I learned that Hulk Hogan had blocked me back when I was defending statements that he'd made were taken out of context, he also blocked me.  That one pissed me off and my admiration for him diminished rather quickly after that.

I've also been blocked by a few companies, too.  I've managed to receive some promotional items from recognized companies, like Carl's Jr., who sent me a $40 gift card for promoting their burgers online; from Sunbeam I received a NEW toaster when I complained about the one I'd bought; as well as another company, who sent me a T-shirt and some other knick-knacks when I suggested an improvement to one of their products.  As I'd stated above, I've been blocked by a couple as well.  SGI (Saskatchewan Government Insurance) who blocked me for scolding a fella who argued that people should be able to leave their car's unlocked in their driveway, while warming the vehicle up in winter.  In a perfect world, I'd say "Sure." However, the world is far from perfect and if you leave you're car running, unattended, in your driveway and someone steals your vehicle, then I argued that you deserved to get your shit stolen.  That man got horribly graphic and used all kinds of foul language in attacking me.  Eventually it would stop, as SGI, addressed me, defending his logic, rather than mine, then they blocked me. 🚫

Another company, also the main subject of this blog post, is Walmart-Canada.  I've had a lot (a LOT) of issues with Walmart over the years.  Mostly for their pricing inconsistencies.  To this day, I'm left scratching my head over some...  No!  MOST of what Walmart does.  My issue came one day when I was purchasing some frozen French fries.  One bag was straight cut, while another bag, of equal size, but crinkle cut, was nearly twice the price.  When asked, floor clerks, if they understood my query at all, would return a blank look and a shrug of the shoulders, before turning and walking away.  That's when I went to Twitter and asked Walmart Canada, why the crinkle cut cost more.  They returned an answer that "it was more difficult to produce the crinkle cut fries."  This answer was as stupid as it was illogical and I told them as much, adding "It's not like there's someone who manually cuts each wedge out of the individual fries."  That's when they blocked me.

Many occasions have arisen in the years that have followed and I'm unable to contact Walmart Canada on any of these issues.  Most notably, and the inspiration for this edition of my Brain Matter blog, again refers to the frozen food aisle at the Preston Crossing location of Walmart, which incidentally, is also the worst Walmart in the city.  (Ask anyone and they'll tell ya!)

I bought the 5kg bag of crinkle cut French fries.  $3.97 is the price, while the straight cut fries, also in the 5kg bag is priced at $6.28  Same size, same Walmart brand, yet two completely different prices.  Instead of consulting Twitter, like I habitually do, I asked a clerk who was working in the area.  

I asked her WHY was the two packages of (virtually) the same product, so wildly priced apart.  She just smiled, blank-faced, I knew immediately that English was not her first language, nor did she have any sort of understanding of what I'd just asked her.  I repeated myself, to which she smiled and said, "I like Penis Butter."

"I'm sorry?" I said, asking her to clarify.

"I like Penis Butter.  I buy one jar of Penis Butter.  It cost six dollar twenty-seven cent, and I can get two jar of Penis Butter for ten dollar."

"Oh!" I replied, understanding that she was referring to Peanut Butter, not some sort of sexual aid, although her English was SO broken, that maybe she was referring to dick butter, but I doubt it.  Doesn't seem like something you'd mention to an unwitting customer.

Long story short, no conclusion as to why Walmart charges an extra couple of bucks for identical products.  Then again, if you go to the DVD section, you'll see two box sets of identical shows for two different prices.  I've purchased many videos from Walmart, for the lesser of two prices.  They don't like it, but maybe they ought to concentrate on being less stupid.  Hell, the prices at the Preston Crossing location differ from the other two locations in the city.  Cat treats at the other two are 3 for $6, while at Preston Crossing, they're $2.78 each. 🤔Makes me wonder what they charge for Penis Butter..?