Smokin' Walter, Fire Engine Guy

First of all. I know my views aren't going to be very popular, but that doesn't make them any less true. So that being said, Number One: Firemen are f*cked! And secondly, I pray my house never starts on fire.

I mean, God bless those goofy bastards, for laying their lives on the line to rescue those in peril from fires, and squealing kittens from trees. They're guys doing the shit that I hope I never have to do. After all, if the kitten got up the tree, the little f*cker can damn well come down the tree itself. Why saddle their owner with that unnecessary expense.

But seriously, anyone who willfully runs all willy-nilly into a raging fire, has to have a screw or two lose to begin with. Running into that situation goes all against human nature. In other words, they're inhuman, which is almost the same as insane. And ladies, you don't really want to bring home a guy who's f*cking bonkers, to meet momma.

For some reason, though, the ladies inexplicably are drawn to these bad boys. Frankly, I don't get it. Then again, I don't understand the women who are attracted to serial killers, wife beaters or Gerard Depardieu (too obscure o' reference?). Take the bloke in the photograph above. Why the f*ck is he wearing a scarf over his face? He's clearly not in a fire, so I have to assume, he's "gangsta". You can also tell, because the douche bag is wearing his helmet, slightly askew.

Now, I'm not a complete asshole. (Got many folks fooled though, don't I?) All the brave men and women who lost their lives on 9/11 did so bravely, and their memories are not lost on me, nor are they unappreciated. But in the years that have followed that fateful day, I've crossed paths with many of these fiery soldiers, and have discovered that many use the memory and the substantial losses of that day, as a sort of entitlement. I recall one such incident at a night club, where there were some off-duty firefighters on the premisis. They were pushing people around, getting all tough and shit, while proudly donning the City's Fire Shield on the breast pocket of their shirt. One fellow, in particular, shoved me aside, thus spilling my intoxicating beverage. I'm thrifty at best and don't agree with the inflated prices of alcoholic beverages at the local drinking establishments, but that dislike goes doubly when some asshole spills my drink without so much as a f*cking sorry or even a nod of apology. Instead, this guy responded to my "What the f*ck?!?" with a braggart "Whatcha gonna do? I'm a fire fighter!"

Perhaps this experience has simply jaded my attitudes towards these guys..., but I doubt it. Because, in the end, they're still all f*cked.

I'm not completely in the clear of this vocation, though. I admit that, as a child, I flirted with the fantasy of being in the fire fighting profession when I grew up, too. Except, as a little kid, I didn't want to be a fireman. Instead, I had my sights set on actually becoming a fire truck. Pretty f*cked up, huh?

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Have a nice day and remember...

ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES...