Frantic OR The Polar Bear Incident

For the first time in years, I lost my keys. There's nothing more unnerving than having to be somewhere, but having no idea where the keys to your car or house are. While I do have a spare set of keys to both, I have never been able to leave the house without both sets. My best guess as to a reason for this, would stem to back when I went to university.

Having come home one weekend, I'd unwittingly left my residence in Regina, Saskatchewan, with only one set of keys. Of course, this would be the one time when I'd lock the keys inside my car. So a Sunday afternoon was wasted driving down to the Queen City to pick up my spare set, instead of spending it with my then-girlfriend, having mad-coitus all afternoon. Thinking back now, the afternoon of driving to Regina, wasn't so bad. That ex-girlfriend was a f*cking animal....

Anyway, the same thing happened to me this very day. All except leaving my keys in another city and having some madwoman constantly ripping off my clothes. Oh how we long for those golden days... But no! I had to leave, and though it was only for a few errands, I've managed to train my mind to avoid leaving the house..., just in case.

Now, it was reported that actor Charlie Sheen tore apart a New York City hotel room, rumoured because he had lost a $26,000 wrist watch. I remember the media raising such a ruckus because he'd done this, and in the meantime scared some foolish porn actress in the bathroom. First of all, who are we to judge? If anyone reading this, lost anything worth $26,000 in a hotel room, I'm pretty sure things would be ripped apart into shreds too; and secondly, IF anyone reading this (and this goes for the media too), could afford to pay for the damages incrued through the destruction of a hotel room, I'm sure they would do it. It positively sounds like a hoot. On the bright side, I'm willing to bet that today, that hotel room is the cleanest room that hotel has, or at least, the least-filthy of the rooms they have.

I, too, have frantically searched high and low for lost articles. Whether it be a set of keys, a lost ticket, or even a $20 bill. When something is lost, but you swear you know where it "has to be", one tends to toss apart their home, like college boys during a panty-raid.

This time was no different, only that because I'd be the cleaning up the aftermath, I was a bit more careful. Lifting, pulling, stretching things to one side, periodically paused by my standing in the middle of the room, with eyes closed, trying to retrace the steps of the previous 12 hours, then on to lifting, pulling, and stretching once more.

Finally, I happened upon my sofa. The odds of my keys working their way out of my pockets and pressed deep into the cavernous crevasses of the couch were astronomical, but if "Jeffy's Law" has taught me anything over my lifetime, it is to never think about the odds... Or maybe that was the survival statistics of surviving an asteroid belt while flying the Millenium Falcon. In either case, I was going in.

Pulling back on the cushions and pressing my face down into the cushions, I was careful to not block out all the light that was raining down behind me from the eastern facing windows. Just as I was about to surrender to the powers that be, who sought it best to steal away my keys, mine eyes caught a glint. A mere shimmer. Not even a shimmer, really, but a slight reflection of light. I forced my hand down into the darkness, feeling the coolness of the fabric on my hands, it was somehow calming, but at the same time, felt a little wrong. It felt like I was fisting a polar bear.

I caught the key-ring with my finger tips and I was quickly on my way.