Adrift

Are you familiar with the term, "My own worst enemy"? In my opinion it means that one's own thoughts can be the most detrimental of all to one's self being. In other words, when left alone, a person can drive themselves insane with their own thoughts. I think I am one of those people. I am able to project many of my inane prophecies on a number of topics and do so successfully, driving them home with logic and sense. However, at the same time, when it comes to matters of my own life, I tend to over-think everything, and sometimes, send myself spiralling into turmoil and self-doubt.

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This has always been a downfall for me. Ever since I was a kid, I've always felt alone when it came to overcoming adversities. I've always had friends, but no one I could approach with to voice out my concerns and problems. No one there to bounce ideas off of, except for the handsome bloke in the mirror. Needless to say, many of my thoughts tended to lead astray. However, in recent years, I have found in some instances that writing out some of these concerns, actually helped a little in my pursuit of eternal jubilation.

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My life, however, in recent years, has become a little more complex. Too complicated for mere words to describe. One little discretion by some worthless turd, has left me adrift in a sea of nothing. I'm f*cking lost. There's no wind to fill my sails and no compass to guide me to salvation. Then earlier this year, things began to look up for me. The sun was shining and warm was its embrace. There was a breeze coming from the horizon and my sails began to fluctuate. I could see happiness on the distant horizon.

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Then one day I looked up from the helm, to guage the distance to my utopia, and that's when I noticed the angry dark clouds spiralling in from the heavens. Day became night. The warm sunshine that once set my brow aglow, quickly disappeared, replaced with bitter coldness and dark. The island I once gazed upon with such hope and gladness, was quickly disappearing into the horizon. And the breeze... All but gone.

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Now I sit upon the deck of my lonely ship, set adrift by the hands of fate, my destination now, once more, a mystery. I fear that I'm destined to remain in this Hell for the rest of my days. I see other ships and vessels sailing past me, never so much as glancing in my direction. And the few who do, merely wink and give me a nod, without ever really knowing why.

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When left to my own accord, I really do tend to overthink shit. On the bright side, if there is one, I'm able to be creative about some of it. On the downside, it never seems to rectify any of the shit going on in my head.

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The shittiest thing about this whole thing is. Earlier this year I confronted some real life altering shit and believe I made all the right decisions. That's when the shit storm took over and f*cked everything up. Am I blaming others for my own shortcomings? Not really. In the end, this was all shit that I should've addressed weeks or months.., or shit! Even a year or so ago. My procrastination is what f*cked everything up.

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So it was me. Me, who f*cked everything up. Just me.

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I may not don the clown face paint, but at least I'm able to hide all the pain, just the same.

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Much Clown Luv, my peeps!!!