I've mentioned to people that I am painfully shy. Most don't believe me as I am, for the most part, a smart ass. I'm quiet and reserved at first, gauging my surroundings, then I'll open up some, mostly offering up smart ass comments of teasing jabs. I mean no malice, by it, just harmful fun with hopes of making people laugh. This was a self-preservation tool that many bullied children adapt on the playground. You're far less likely to get punched in the gut or your underwear hiked up your ass, if you can make the bully laugh, even if at your own expense. I recall using this tactic many times on the mean playground at King George elementary. Except one time where I became favourable with one bully, while infuriating another, which ultimately earned me a sharp punch to the abdomen.
These days, I'm always present with a sharp witty comment. When I'm with my friend, Melissa, I will often hit her with a barrage of comments, when I see someone in my peripheral who's musing at my quips. I can't recall any of which I can share right now, but I assure you, if you ever have the privilege of meeting her, you can ask her yourself. She's not shy about sharing those moments.
I wasn't always that way, though. I actually have been painfully shy at times. Even today, I find myself stressing out about uncomfortable situations. I had some people over to my house a few weeks back and stressed about that, even. Back when I went to university, I was no different, despite my going away to a new city, with new surroundings, I looked at it as a chance to re-invent myself, then when faced with the opportunity to do so. I caved. Things got so bad, that I soon found myself ditching classes and in the evenings driving off to be alone at the movies. I had ample opportunities to hang with classmates, but I found myself overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. I'd come to my film class, quietly seated in the back, never raising my hand, never offering any input. This was a class that, academically, I should have been superior to most of my classmates, but the fear of all eyes locking on my fugliness, was scarier than any bully I'd faced off with on the playground. No witty remarks or jokes would overcome this brood of students, I felt. Eventually the school year would come to a close, my marks were fair, but not nearly as good as if I'd have sacked up and joined the group.
I'd come home that spring, a failure in my own eyes. Eventually, I'd need work and sadly the only work I could get was that of door-to-door sales. To be a success at sales, you can't be f*cking shy for one moment. It was here that I learned to mask my insecurities and push my personal envelope of comfortability.
Success as a salesman would elude me, however. I was good at it, to a degree, but personal feelings and thoughts about honesty would overcome the sleaziness of sales and ultimately my demise from the vocation, although it was a car accident that would get me out of that line of work.
The next few years I worked retail, which helped me come out of my shell a little more, as well as add to my arsenal of being a smart ass. My ultimate downfall, has always been, acting like a smart ass to the wrong people, supervisors and managers, to be more precise. In an effort to avoid being uncomfortable or that scared little boy, I opt instead, to be a smart ass. I guess, it's easier for people to hate me because I'm an asshole, than it is to deal with their hating me because of me. Who knew being a dick would be a safeguard?
These days, I'm always present with a sharp witty comment. When I'm with my friend, Melissa, I will often hit her with a barrage of comments, when I see someone in my peripheral who's musing at my quips. I can't recall any of which I can share right now, but I assure you, if you ever have the privilege of meeting her, you can ask her yourself. She's not shy about sharing those moments.
I wasn't always that way, though. I actually have been painfully shy at times. Even today, I find myself stressing out about uncomfortable situations. I had some people over to my house a few weeks back and stressed about that, even. Back when I went to university, I was no different, despite my going away to a new city, with new surroundings, I looked at it as a chance to re-invent myself, then when faced with the opportunity to do so. I caved. Things got so bad, that I soon found myself ditching classes and in the evenings driving off to be alone at the movies. I had ample opportunities to hang with classmates, but I found myself overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. I'd come to my film class, quietly seated in the back, never raising my hand, never offering any input. This was a class that, academically, I should have been superior to most of my classmates, but the fear of all eyes locking on my fugliness, was scarier than any bully I'd faced off with on the playground. No witty remarks or jokes would overcome this brood of students, I felt. Eventually the school year would come to a close, my marks were fair, but not nearly as good as if I'd have sacked up and joined the group.
I'd come home that spring, a failure in my own eyes. Eventually, I'd need work and sadly the only work I could get was that of door-to-door sales. To be a success at sales, you can't be f*cking shy for one moment. It was here that I learned to mask my insecurities and push my personal envelope of comfortability.
Success as a salesman would elude me, however. I was good at it, to a degree, but personal feelings and thoughts about honesty would overcome the sleaziness of sales and ultimately my demise from the vocation, although it was a car accident that would get me out of that line of work.
The next few years I worked retail, which helped me come out of my shell a little more, as well as add to my arsenal of being a smart ass. My ultimate downfall, has always been, acting like a smart ass to the wrong people, supervisors and managers, to be more precise. In an effort to avoid being uncomfortable or that scared little boy, I opt instead, to be a smart ass. I guess, it's easier for people to hate me because I'm an asshole, than it is to deal with their hating me because of me. Who knew being a dick would be a safeguard?
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