For days, I've been dipping in and out of a funk. My own private hell, as I've dubbed it in the past. I don't know what is the cause of it, but it's something that I've endured for a lifetime. The hardest part of it all, is enduring these phases alone. Thankfully, in recent years, I have my cat, Monkey, to distract me from the sadness, but his love and affection only helps so far, before I find myself sad and alone once more.
I've never been clinically diagnosed with any sort of mental disorders, then again, I've never sought any help from my physician in identifying anything of the sort. I've never been one looking to be labeled as anything, so this condition would run along those lines. This year, I've managed to cope better than I have in the last decade or more, so that's what's prompting this blog entry today.
As I stated, I've been yo-yo'ing in and out of sadness for a few days. It began with watching a special that aired on the weekend regarding the (then) upcoming #BellLetsTalk campaign on January 28th, 2015 that addressed the issue of Mental Health. 2015 marks the fifth anniversary of the campaign, which helps in the identification of mental health being a very real disease, rather than something fabricated for attention seekers. I watched a similar special a few years ago, which helped me identify what it is (& was) that I'd been dealing with for a very long time. Since then, I've named it "seasonal depression". Seasonal, because I seem to only suffer (it's worst) from the end of October, clear through to about March or April. The summer months, for the most part, while lonely, don't seem to affect me too terribly. It's just the autumn and winter months that f*ck with me.
So how to broach the subject is what has been plaguing my mind. I am, after all, an artist of sorts. Writing, at the moment, seems to be my canvass and I wish to paint this picture in broad colourful strokes. I didn't know what colour to begin with until I took a stupid quiz on Facebook that asked "What colour of the rainbow are you?" I took the idiotic quiz and got the result of YELLOW. The description that accompanied the colour, couldn't be further from the truth of how I perceive myself. It reads as follows:
As I stated, I've been yo-yo'ing in and out of sadness for a few days. It began with watching a special that aired on the weekend regarding the (then) upcoming #BellLetsTalk campaign on January 28th, 2015 that addressed the issue of Mental Health. 2015 marks the fifth anniversary of the campaign, which helps in the identification of mental health being a very real disease, rather than something fabricated for attention seekers. I watched a similar special a few years ago, which helped me identify what it is (& was) that I'd been dealing with for a very long time. Since then, I've named it "seasonal depression". Seasonal, because I seem to only suffer (it's worst) from the end of October, clear through to about March or April. The summer months, for the most part, while lonely, don't seem to affect me too terribly. It's just the autumn and winter months that f*ck with me.
So how to broach the subject is what has been plaguing my mind. I am, after all, an artist of sorts. Writing, at the moment, seems to be my canvass and I wish to paint this picture in broad colourful strokes. I didn't know what colour to begin with until I took a stupid quiz on Facebook that asked "What colour of the rainbow are you?" I took the idiotic quiz and got the result of YELLOW. The description that accompanied the colour, couldn't be further from the truth of how I perceive myself. It reads as follows:
Yellow is the color of sunshine and symbolizes happiness and friendship! It can stimulate mental energy and cheerfulness and definitely represents you! You love to have fun with your loved ones and your smile can light up a room! Good morning sunshine!
How absurd, right? I've never felt cheerful and while I do enjoy having fun, I've never done so with "loved ones", whom I assume would be family, and my smile definitely does not light up a room. Complete hog wash, all of is. In fact, by re-reading this statement, I can't help but think there is a f*ck of a lot more wrong with me than initially believed.
Initially, I believed this could be discussed and shared over the course of a single blog, but the more thought I put into the subject, the more I come to realize that I need to open up about the past. Though, it's in my most honest belief, my past is not a contributor to the present.
Initially, I believed this could be discussed and shared over the course of a single blog, but the more thought I put into the subject, the more I come to realize that I need to open up about the past. Though, it's in my most honest belief, my past is not a contributor to the present.
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