Years ago, I had a blog on another site. There I'd post on a daily basis, under the pseudonym of ToontownJuggalo. I was lucky when I came up with that name. I was the first one ever to be referred to by that name. Numero uno. On that site, I posted only as that persona and never divulged a single secret about who I was, although much of my personality did bleed into those posts. I never shared any of those entries on Facebook or Twitter. They all remained in-house, so to speak. It was on that sight that I wrote about Chewbacca never having shit stuck in his fur. That's where I first speculated on the the reason behind why Christ Benoit committed those horrific acts towards his family before committing suicide, which was a full six months before the science came back and YES, confirmed my theory ten-fold. It was also on that site, where I would write out what was affecting me on that day. Celebrations that I never got to share with anyone, as well as the sorrow and sadness of coping with whatever was bothering me. There was a hand full of regular readers, none of which were directly affiliated with me, except when I was dealing with the loss of my friend Darcy. That's when I needed to share with people and the stone wall that I had built around my "illness" began to crumble.
As the years have passed by, I've kept most of my walls up, guarding myself from being hurt. It's easier for me to deal with my demons one-on-one, than it is to fight them off and worry about what everyone else is thinking. I know that at the core of it all, the really important people in my life, will be there in a time of crisis, if needed. I only hope that I have the courage necessary to extend a hand in hopes of getting that support.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm shy. I'm painfully shy. I'm like Robin Williams, in a way. I could always see that insecurity that he possessed. He acted out, all happy, goofy and comically in an effort to mask his insecurities, but those of us who know... We knew. I'm just like Robin, only instead of being jovial, I'm snide and snarky. Kind of a dick, at times. I like to joke, but my sense of humour is dark, just like my soul.
I'd like to be more popular. I'd like people to want to have me around. I'd like people to miss me, even. I wish I could be like other people. But I don't want to be other people. I'd like to know how to be like them. Confident and self-assured. I don't know how to be like that. I don't know how to make friends. I have friends, but I honestly don't know when they transitioned from being acquaintances to being friends.
I remember when the towers came down on 9/11. Sitting alone in my livingroom, eyes glued on the television set, and I never felt so alone. I got news over a year ago about black spots found on my lung and I had to endure that alone. Still have to. I'm trying hard not to think about it, but I have to admit, it's getting increasingly difficult to do so.
I used to have a couple female friends who would happily give me a hug whenever I'd ask. Trisha... I miss Trisha's hugs. She was a single mom and her hugs always felt so warm and genuine. Taya was the same way. My friend Sonia always offers up a hug when I see her. That's always a highlight, but I wouldn't dare ask anyone I'm currently with, because I know I'd get that "are you f*cking serious" look. I don't need that look.
Today, this is me. The walls have all crumbled away. This is who I am. Take it or leave it. I'm done. I'm tired of hiding in the shadows. It's time to step into the light, my faults and everything. Sadly, my family will still not know who I am, but aah. F*ck 'em..!
Now if you'll excuse me. I've been sitting at this table on this hard-as-f*ck chair for over six hours, closing in on seven. My ass hurts tremendously and I have a headache forming. My cat is screaming like a banshee and won't use his words to explain. I'm going to go smoke a bowl and have a good night. See you on the flip-side.
As the years have passed by, I've kept most of my walls up, guarding myself from being hurt. It's easier for me to deal with my demons one-on-one, than it is to fight them off and worry about what everyone else is thinking. I know that at the core of it all, the really important people in my life, will be there in a time of crisis, if needed. I only hope that I have the courage necessary to extend a hand in hopes of getting that support.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm shy. I'm painfully shy. I'm like Robin Williams, in a way. I could always see that insecurity that he possessed. He acted out, all happy, goofy and comically in an effort to mask his insecurities, but those of us who know... We knew. I'm just like Robin, only instead of being jovial, I'm snide and snarky. Kind of a dick, at times. I like to joke, but my sense of humour is dark, just like my soul.
I'd like to be more popular. I'd like people to want to have me around. I'd like people to miss me, even. I wish I could be like other people. But I don't want to be other people. I'd like to know how to be like them. Confident and self-assured. I don't know how to be like that. I don't know how to make friends. I have friends, but I honestly don't know when they transitioned from being acquaintances to being friends.
I remember when the towers came down on 9/11. Sitting alone in my livingroom, eyes glued on the television set, and I never felt so alone. I got news over a year ago about black spots found on my lung and I had to endure that alone. Still have to. I'm trying hard not to think about it, but I have to admit, it's getting increasingly difficult to do so.
I used to have a couple female friends who would happily give me a hug whenever I'd ask. Trisha... I miss Trisha's hugs. She was a single mom and her hugs always felt so warm and genuine. Taya was the same way. My friend Sonia always offers up a hug when I see her. That's always a highlight, but I wouldn't dare ask anyone I'm currently with, because I know I'd get that "are you f*cking serious" look. I don't need that look.
Today, this is me. The walls have all crumbled away. This is who I am. Take it or leave it. I'm done. I'm tired of hiding in the shadows. It's time to step into the light, my faults and everything. Sadly, my family will still not know who I am, but aah. F*ck 'em..!
Now if you'll excuse me. I've been sitting at this table on this hard-as-f*ck chair for over six hours, closing in on seven. My ass hurts tremendously and I have a headache forming. My cat is screaming like a banshee and won't use his words to explain. I'm going to go smoke a bowl and have a good night. See you on the flip-side.
No comments:
Post a Comment