In Over My Head

 

For as long as I can remember, one of my biggest fears is drowning.  An understandable fear, which I'm sure is shared by most, if not all, but not something that is observed on a daily basis.  No one sets out to drown...  Well.  Maybe some, but that's a different set of circumstances and thought processes.  What initially sparked this fear, for me, was watching a movie many many (many) years ago, that cemented this fear for me.

The movie was "White Squall" from 1996, which is a story based on the true events which occurred in 1960 to a group of prep schoolers who set out to sea aboard an old-fashioned sailing vessel.  The trip is to teach the young men fortitude and discipline, but what they actually receive is a crash course in survival after the ship they're on, capsizes from being hit by a white squall, which occurred just three weeks short of their final destination.  Starring an all-star cast, including Jeff Bridges, Ryan Phillippe, Jeremy Sisto, Scott Wolf, among many others.  One scene that clinched this unbridled fear was when the ship is sinking and there's a shot of some classmates locked behind a door.  After many failed attempts, survivors are forced to abandon their classmates.  The fear on their eyes was relentless, striking a fear in me that has lasted all these years, later.  Just the idea of not dying immediately, but to watch the water levels slowly rise to the point where all oxygen is lost and you're forced to take that final breath and suck in all that water.  It's purely horrifying.

]That's not what this blog is about and I apologize for leading you astray.  It was a decent movie, if I remember correctly, so if you have an opportunity to give it a looksy, take a chance with it, it's only two hours, after all.]

Driving home, tonight, I saw a young fellow walking along the road that runs parallel to the river.  The weather being as frigid and cold as it is, the decision to walk that route, especially when the next set of houses isn't for, at least, a quarter mile or so.  My imagination, as it often does, began to race at all the infinite possibilities of what may be going on.  Perhaps he's unfamiliar with the city and doesn't know that walking along this route is futile.  Or maybe, and my mind went to a dark place, he's not feeling very well, mentally, and he was hoping to gain access to the river to... You know.  End his misery. 

It was at that moment that my brain abandoned the young fellow and immediately began analyzing my own fears concerning drowning.  The thoughts raced through my head like ponies at the Kentucky Derby.  I vocalized, out loud, how it horrified me.  Then I paused...

What if I was tossed into a lake of gravy?  I love gravy and as much as it would suck to drown, would it be so bad if it was in gravy?  Then I abandoned that idea.  A lake of gravy?  Really?  "What's wrong with me?" I thought to myself. 🤨  A vat of gravy would make so much more sense.  That's when my thoughts and concerns for the young man had completely vanished.  Now my thoughts went straight to trying to figure out just how large a vat actually is.  While I've used the word 'vat' many times as a safety word in Words With Friends, I barely know anything beyond that and what they're used for.

According to Google, and I'm paraphrasing this to simplify an otherwise complicated response to a relatively easy query, but that's Google for ya.  a vat is generally around 26 U.S. gallons.  How that relates to actual size in inches or feet, I don't know.  I Googled pictures and it ranged from a large cooking pot to something you'd store beer in.

 

I'm mostly curious about the size of a vat, because I believe, if it was beef gravy, like illustrated above, that I might be capable of drinking myself to safety, al la Bob McKenzie from the movie "Strange Brew" (1983).  The container on the left would be challenging but if I hunkered down and dedicated myself, like Adam Moran of Beard Meats Food fame.  (If you don't already, look him up on YouTube.  His videos are as fun and enjoyable as they are challenging to watch - sometimes.😄)

Of course this is all ridiculous.  It's in my nature.  It's how I entertain myself.  I hope this entertained you, as well.  No use in being serious all the time.  What's the use in that?  No fun.

 
Strange Brew / Bob McKenzie (left) Adam Moran "Beard Meats Food" (right)

Fantasy Draft

When I awoke from a deep restful sleep, yesterday morning, I did so calling out "Love Is All Around".  Seems strange when taken out of context, but clarity will come later in this blog.  I promise. 

It seems I'd been dreaming about the All Fantasy Everything podcast where the podcasters do a weekly draft of anything and everything.  I've posted stuff about them before and it's always a blast to listen to and play along by drafting your own list.  An even bigger challenge is choosing a draft that doesn't match any of their picks, too.

Yesterday morning, I must've been dreaming about a draft, as when I shouted those words as I was emerging from my deep REM state, I was relieved to have my fifth pick.  The category of the Draft was: Songs You Like Because of a Specific Word or Phrase.  To my knowledge, this has never been a subject of an AFE draft.  Then again, I'm WAY behind on the library of the popular podcast.

All Fantasy Everything is a comedic podcast, hosted by Ian Karmel who is a working comedian and the co-head writer for the Late Late Show with James Corden.  He is a very funny man who I quickly became a fan of when he'd do guest appearances on Chelsea Lately.  A mainstay cast of All Fantasy Everything, are Ian's pals, comedians Sean Jordan and David Gborie (the G is silent). Collectively, they're known as the "Good Vibes Gang".  As always, accompanying them from the shadows is their Super Producer Marissa, Marissa Melnyk.

The show is very informal and unscripted, which adds to its charm.  When listening to the show, I often feel like I'm one of the gang, laughing in unison at all the jokes, both inside jokes (sample platter) and outer. 😂

As with every pick, the cast gives their reasons as to why they chose this or that pick.  As a listener, when I make my draft lists, I lack the space to give reasons, but like sharing my picks all the same.  Some of those I've drafted in the past, include: Best TV Show Themes, People We'd Like On Our Side In A Fight, One Word Movie Titles, and Mikes, just to name a few, the last being a draft for our favourite Mikes.  Mine were Michael J. Fox, Mike Holmes, Mick Foley, Michael J. Pollard and Mike the Dog from "Down & Out in Beverly Hills".

This blog is going to be a Draft of Songs I Like Because of a Specific Word or Phrase.  A bit wordy, but I think you get the general idea.  So here it goes:

Number 1: "Blow At High Dough" by the Tragically Hip. The run time of the song is 4:43, but at 1:49, lead singer, Gordon Downie (RIP), let's out an audible 'wooo' indicating the excitement of singing the song.  I live to hear this single expression of excitement in the song and will shush everyone in the car, to do so.

Number 2: "Take It Easy" by The Eagles.  It's the whole second verse, more so than a single word or phrase.  At the 1:10 to 1:23 portion of the song, Take It Easy, singer Glen Frey sings the words, "Well, I'm standin' on a corner, in Winslow, Arizona, Such a fine sight to see, There's a girl, my Lord, in a flat-bed Ford, Slowin' down to take a look at me."  I'm not sure why I'm so infatuated with those lines, but maybe it's a subconscious thing where I hope that one day an attractive young woman may do the same, by swinging her head around to get a better look at me. 🤔

In doing the research for this blog, I admit, I'd never laid eyes upon Warren Zevons likeness before, for this, my third draft pick.

Number 3: "Werewolves of London" by Warren Zevon, brought to fame by the movie "The Color of Money" starring Tom Cruise and Paul Newman.  There's a scene in the movie where pool shark Vincent Lauria, played by Cruise, is singing the song and doing the motions for the line, "His hair was perfect."  The whole line is "I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada from Trader Vic's, His hair was perfect."  The song is only 3:25 in length and you have to listen to almost the entire song to hear this line (at 2:55), but it's totally worth it.

Number 4: "Paradise By The Dashboard Lights".  The song is a lengthy 8:23 and the line I love is near the end, at the 5:10 mark.  I could write an entire blog about this one song in particular and may do so at some point down the road, but today, I'm concentrating on the line, "So now I'm praying for the end of time." 😂  After being relentlessly nagged by his partner to declare his intentions to her, he blows up and swears that he'll love her until the 'end of time'.  Then realizing what he'd just agreed to, he now prays to the God above to bring about the end of time, so he doesn't have to live another minute with this nagging b-i-t-c-h, is essentially the message there.  Nearly every time I hear this song, I burst out laughing at this sentiment.  Meatloaf was such a good actor, even in the video, captured above, the Oh Shit! look on his face, is priceless.

Now we come to Draft Pick Number 5:  The song that woke me from a sound sleep so I could complete my draft; The song was nominated for an Academy Award and it's from the movie "Four Weddings and a Funeral".  The song is called "Love Is All Around". The song is by the British pop group, Wet Wet Wet and besides residing as my number 5 draft pick, it also holds a special place in my heart.  

Years ago, my sister was about to get married to her first husband and they were struggling to find a song for their first dance as husband and wife.  My sister wanted that Celine Dion song from Titanic, but was quickly talked out of it as it would indicate that her love would go on after the demise of her partner.  Although my sisters marriage would eventually come to a tumultuous demise, that love ended right there and then.  I can't remember what song they eventually settled on.  Probably some piece of shit country song.  I really don't remember, however I took it upon myself, at that time, to find a "first dance" song of my own, just in case I was ever so fortunate to get married and the song I settled on, was and is, "Love Is All Around" by Wet Wet Wet.  It's truly a beautiful song and like the Tragically Hip song mentioned before, there's an expression of excitement in the singers voice.  It comes at the 3:04 mark of the 4:15 song.  Between verses, the singer lets out a "YEAH!"  I love it and I love the song.

This concludes my draft pick of "Songs I Like Because of a Specific Word or Phrase".  I'd like to extend a hearty thank you out to Ian Karmel and the rest of the "Good Vibes Gang" at the All Fantasy Everything Podcast.  Thank you for always making me laugh, smile and make draft lists of my own.  I truly feel like one of the gang, even though I will likely never have the privilege of meeting any of you in person.  I appreciate you all the same.

Here are the YouTube links to the videos of the songs I listed.  I hope this works.  I f**king suck at this technical shit.  If they don't work, then copy and paste them.  That ought to work... Maybe? 😕

1. Blow At High Dough - Tragically Hip

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGRNEJiD3PY

2. Take It Easy - The Eagles
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrWUlc46dQ0

3. Werewolves of London - Warren Zevon
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qae25976UgA

4. Paradise By The Dashboard Light - Meatloaf
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C11MzbEcHlw

5. Love Is All Around - Wet Wet Wet
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3gEkwhdXUE

Sub Par

 

I have been a fan of Subway restaurants since they first appeared here, in Saskatoon.  I loved the taste of the freshly baked bread versus the packaged buns of their competitors.  Fresh veggies and cold cut meats, versus the packaged products of the other guys. And the friendly service I always got, unlike the other sub shops where the employees acted like they didn't want to be there.  Plus, Subway had another practice that toppled the competition -- the V-cut.

Where every other sub shop that I ever visited, did the traditional hinge cut, where as Subway perfected the cut by introducing a "U-gouge" down the middle of the warm bun, fresh from the oven. Subway proved by cutting their buns in this fashion kept all the fresh toppings inside the sandwich, rather than spilling all over the patron's shirt and all over the table.  This proved especially handy with Meatball subs.  I can remember several occasions of eating at the Mr. Sub with my dad and both of us cursing as the meatballs, heavily doused with tomato sauce, would shoot out the side of the hinge-cut sandwich and deposit themselves in our laps, leaving a saucy trail down our shirts.  In those days, it was not unusual to see customers leaving the restaurant with parts of their meal stained on their apparel. Subway's unique V-cut eliminated that probability.

The history of Subway began in 1965, when a seventeen year old Fred DeLuca borrowed a thousand dollars from his pal, Peter Buck, to open the first restaurant, simply called Pete's Super Submarines, in Bridgeport, Connecticut.  Two years later, the duo would change the name to Subway.  Then in 1974, the restaurant began franchising, seeing a second location open in Wallingford, Connecticut.  Soon the restaurant, rising in popularity, would spread across the continental USA, the first Subway restaurant opening on the west coast, appeared in Fresno, California in 1978.  After this it wouldn't take long for Subway's appeal to spread across the world, having approximately 41,600 restaurants, worldwide, by 2021.  Primarily located in continental North America, Subway has roughly 21,800 restaurants in the US, alone, with an additional 2881 in Canada and 758 in Mexico. The rest are peppered across the globe, like parmesan cheese on your favourite sandwich. Fred DeLuca would serve as the company CEO until 2015 when he lost his battle to Leukemia which he'd been battling for the previous two years. Several CEO's have succeeded Fred DeLuca since his passing, including his sister, Suzanne Greco.

It's my opinion that Subway began to falter in the absence of it's founder, Pete DeLuca.  Despite its continued success climbing in numbers, the restaurant seems to have altered the restaurateur's original vision.  It seems like it was around this time when the traditional V-cut was abandoned, replacing it with the problematic hinge-cut.  When asked, I was originally told that people "complained" about the V-cut, but later sources have made claims that it was a safety concern.  The latter excuse makes no sense as the sandwich artists still use a sharp knife to slice through the buns.  If anything, the hinge-cut would be more detrimental as one cuts the bun while holding it with their opposite hand.

Reports lay claim that if you wish your sandwich to be cut the old way, Subway staff are more than happy to oblige.  However, in all the Subway restaurants that I've been in, in Canada, the staff look at you like you've just spoken an alien language, having no clue as to what you're referring to.  There is only one Subway, that I continue to patronize, who knows how to cut the original V-cut.  I went so far as to sing their praises on Twitter, but was contacted by Subway Canada, inquiring as to which location this was, adding that the store was in direct violation of Subway's practices.  I never snitched, because I don't want to lose my preferred method of eating my delicious Subway sandwiches.

Subway restaurants have altered their practices and added options to their menus and subtracted other popular sandwiches and in recent years, as popular as the restaurant chain is, attempted some maneuvers that even an untrained eye would recognize as somewhat desperate.  Granted they had that setback when Jared Fogle, the patron who alleged that he had lost over 200lbs by eating healthy sandwiches from Subway in his native Indiana, who was later found to be in possession of child pornography and having sexual misconduct with a minor.  Fogle was immediately erased from Subway's lexicon and subsequently sentenced to 15 years in prison as a result.  On a side note, if you go to YouTube, you can look up comedian Tom Segura's tale of how he was hired and had actually shot some commercials that would never air, where he portrayed Fogle's fat brother, Jerome, who ate all the unhealthy sandwiches and remained fat.  I heard him tell this story on Conan O'Brien and it was f**king hysterical. 

Subway calls their employees, Sandwich Artists, but all the artistry is lost.  The same great taste is their, although in recent times, I've heard people relentlessly criticizing the taste of the bread, claiming they add sugar or something like that.  I don't know, the food tastes the same today as it ever did, as far as I'm concerned.  People just don't seem happy unless they have something to complain about.  Hell, this whole blog complains about how the hinge-cut as much as it praises the restaurant chain on it's uniqueness.

Someday, the proprietor of the Subway that I frequent, will sell her franchise and then the art of the V-cut will truly be dead and that saddens me greatly.  However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  YouTube being the phenomenal site that it is, has people demonstrating how to make the V-cut at home.  At some point, in the not too distant future, I will set aside the kitten videos and game playthroughs and settle in to learn the artistry of the infamous V-cut. Then I can start making my own Meatball subs at home, carefully avoiding the peril of dumping saucy meatballs down my shirt and into my lap.  Tomato sauce is difficult to remove from the sofa upholstery.

Retention

 

I was brutally awoken from an otherwise restful sleep, this morning at around 4:30am, with a massive migraine.  Not as bad as some I've had, but far worse than most of the headaches I suffer through on a nearly daily basis. I managed to take something for it, a special prescription given to me by my physician, which usually works, but this morning, it failed to relieve me of any discomfort.  I did, however, manage to fall back asleep for another few hours.

When I finally woke up and got out of bed, the headache was still present, but also, for some strange reason, I was reminded of a girl from my youth.  It was grade school and her name was Ruth.

Ruth was a smart girl.  A very smart girl.  Actually, smart doesn't even come close to how brilliantly intelligent this girl was at that age.  She was kind of a frumpy awkward girl, but a lovely and overly friendly girl.  She was friends with everyone.  The reason she was so intelligent, leaps and bounds above everyone else in our grade and probably all the grades above us, was the fact that, for fun, Ruth had read the dictionary. Front-to-back, from aardvark to zyzzyva, this girl read every word, every definition, every... Everything. She read it all and better yet, she retained every last word.  If any student was struggling with how to spell something or what a word meant, they avoided looking the word up in the dictionary and instead consulted with Ruth.  Everyone did it and one would think that Ruth would get annoyed by all the extra attention, but as memory serves, she was always more than happy to oblige.  It was only the teachers who would get after the kids, urging them to stop harassing Ruth.

I don't know why, exactly, that after all these many many decades, that I would be reminded of a girl that had almost completely vanished from my memory, but I suspect it may be because I need to learn some information to further expand my current driver's license.

In order to qualify for more lucrative employment, I believe that I need to get my Air Brakes Endorsement.  I've already jumped through all the hoops to get to my Class 2, which allows me to operate a bus that exceeds 24 passengers, but I need to overcome that last hurdle, which is a difficult one for me, as I am not mechanically inclined and reading difficulty prevents me from retaining much of what I read.  I can count on one hand, how many books I've read where I was able to understand and remember everything I read on their pages.  For those who are counting, it's two and the dictionary is not one of those books.  (Actually, it's two of Mick Foley's books; Have a Nice Day and Tietam Brown ~ both wonderful books. I recommend them.)

Just the thought of picking up a book or anything, really, is an overwhelming daunting endeavour.  Almost scary, sometimes.  For someone who craves knowledge, it's incomprehensible as to why the mere thought of reading something, especially a text book, is scary.  I don't know if it's the frustration of not remembering or understanding the sentence I just read or what the reasons are. 

I remember when I first picked up the manual for learning Air Brakes and sitting in the backyard in the shade and reading the first paragraph.  Like, six times.  Maybe more and not comprehending or remembering a single word that I'd just read... Six times.  Maybe more.  All this before I bounced my head off the pavement, further depriving myself of mental retention.  Six times, maybe more, and it took me close to an hour before I finally gave up and tossed the books aside.  I've only recently found the manual, when I cleaned out my computer room where, incidentally, I'm currently writing this drivel. 

I spoke with some fine gentlemen, yesterday, who suggested that I watch some YouTube videos.  That everything I need to know for the written and visual exams at SGI (Saskatchewan Government Insurance).  That sounds promising.  I can set aside the cat and dog videos or watching Mike Finnegan f*ck with all his cars, long enough to learn something.

That's the only way I can learn things, is visually, not from reading.  Reading is my mortal enemy, which seems ironic, when you consider how much I enjoy writing.  Believe me, the irony is not lost on this guy, but like the song goes, "I'm a walking contradiction."  Can't read for shit, but I can write halfway decent.  Plus, I don't really compose as much as I simply type out the conversation I'm having in my head with an invisible audience.

I wonder what ever happen to Ruth, that girl from grade school.  What did she end up doing with that brilliant beautiful brain of hers.  I hope all that knowledge never went to waste.  That she's holed up somewhere, searching for the cure to cancer or why people love cat videos so much?  I'm just kidding on that last one, but I hope she's sharing her knowledge and intelligence with the world.  It'd be a shame for us all to lose that spark she had.

Terrorism

 

The dictionary defines "terrorism" as: The unlawful use of violence and intimidation, especially against civilians, in the pursuit of political gains.  Google's explanation of the term goes a little deeper, saying: Terrorism is the use of fear and acts of violence to intimidate societies, governments or against an ideology. Many different types of social or political organizations may use terrorism in an attempt to achieve their goals. Google then goes on to explain; People who do the terrorism are called terrorists.  That part could have gone unsaid as the first thing that came to mind was 'DUH!'.

Now I could go on in this piece to point out instances of terrorism that proved itself pointless and alike, but everyone knows much of the big events and don't need my fat ass reminding them of that.  Plus, when I really sat back and thought about it, I had to admit that I didn't actually know that much about what terrorism was and is.

This all began this morning.  I've been watching a lot of video game play through's as of late on the YouTube.  A lot of war and shit like that, usually from the perspective of American servicemen.  I thought why aren't other world Armed Forces represented in the video game world.  They could make campaigns from an Australian perspective.  Or British or Israeli or...  Then I thought ISIS?  Without glamorizing the latter, video game makers could just make them all goofy and stereotypical. Design them to be stupid as f*ck.  Then again, in the social climate that our society lives in, some asshole would claim to be offended, to which I say: Unless you're a terrorist, yourself, who gives a shit?! I laid in bed, 6:30am, thinking about this stupid shit.

How would I define terrorism, based on the limited knowledge that I possess?  Essentially, it's a group of people who frown on another group's happiness and joy, who feel it necessary to shit on those freedoms by blowing shit up and inflicting fear.... Or terror.  In the simplest of terms, they're a bunch of assholes.  And poorly dressed ones at that. That last part is purely my own belief.  I'm not very stylish, myself, and shouldn't cast stones on poor choices of apparel.

The dictionary defines the word "contentment" as: A state of happiness or satisfaction.  Based on personal observation only, looking at the state of many Middle Eastern countries who are bombarded with Acts of Terrorism on a nearly daily basis, don't appear to be very happy places, but I imagine the peace loving citizens make due in the environments in which they live.  Plus, the shitty state of their country may be due to the terrorist factions continually blowing shit up.  I don't know.  It's pretty f*cked up.

Looking upon these words, it becomes pretty f*cking clear that the events that unfolded on January 6th, 2021 in Washington, DC and the attacks on the State Senate, appear to be, by all definition, an Act of Terror, but I could be mistaken on account that the government refused to punish the instigator of that terrorist act.

Goes without saying.  This kind of bullshit needs to end.  Not just the terrorism expressed by pajama wearing assholes who blow shit up in hopes of nailing 40 virgins in the afterlife (& let's be honest, that bullshit isn't happening), but the homegrown terrorists, too.  Redneck assholes holed-up in shanties and log cabins throughout Montana and all those other scarcely populated areas.  Or those gangland idiots who runs the streets of our major metropolis' with a gat in their hand or an AK.  Just a distasteful lot, all of them.

I don't have a means to an end.  No magic ideology that everyone can get behind in a sense of global unity.  That will never happen except in the science fiction movies and that's all FICTION.

The dictionary defines "science fiction" as: Science fiction (sometimes shortened to sci-fi or SF) is a genre of speculative fiction that typically deals with imaginative and futuristic concepts such as advanced science and technology, space exploration, time travel, parallel universes, and extraterrestrial life.  Perhaps in a parallel universe, but I doubt I'll ever see some sort of World Peace in my lifetime.  I could add the definition of "World Peace", but I think that's just a pipe dream.

Number Two Ain't No Shit

F*CK!  I love that word.  I use that word frequently, though when written [typed], I do choose to censor it by substituting the U with an asterisk (*).  However, saying the F-word, "F*CK", seems gratifying.  Not only that, but I love the versatility of the word "f*ck".  It can be a noun, verb, adjective, or my personal favourite, almost every word in a sentence: "F*ck the f*cking f*ckers!"  It's many uses is covered in an online parody found on YouTube, it's origins are unknown, but who really gives a f*ck? It's f*ckin' funny as all hell. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSEXgQ58AoM]

In all it's genius, the word "f*ck" tends to offend many people, especially the plethora of bible-thumping folks that I work with.  I don't know why, I'm almost pretty sure the word pre-dates Christ, himself.  As if he never screamed out "F*ck!" when they were hammering spikes through his hands at his crucifixion.  I know if it were me, I would've had a few choice words to share, but I digress.  It is only for these few people (at work) that I make the sacrifice and avoid the excessive usage of the F-word.  More for the avoidance of judgemental looks and alike.  Unfortunately, in the avoidance of uttering this word, I find I'm unable to truly be myself, and THAT kinda f*ckin' sucks.

As much as I love to voice the F-word, loudly and proudly, believe it or not, it is not my most favourite word in the English language.  My favourite, may come as a shock to some.  My most favourite word to use is: EXTRAVAGANZA!!!  It's just fun to say, especially when really emphasized, ex-TRAVA-GAN-za.  My daily life doesn't require it's use very often, which may be why I enjoy the word so much.  It's not common and it's definitely not run-of-the-mill.  If I choose to say the word, it's for something truly special, and I don't have many of those days either.

So that was my number one word, and f*ck was my number two.  That is.., until recently.  A few short days ago, I came to realize that there was a new number two.  F*ck had been pushed back to third place.  A bronze f*cking medal.  The new silver recipient was tremendous.

Actually, that IS the word, number two on my list: TREMENDOUS.  I've used it for years, often describing a mishap involving myself.  Like an injury I sustained a couple years ago, from a fall which had me land with a 'tremendous thud', all the way to the present when I last had a migraine forcing me to miss work; "I woke up this morning with a tremendous headache which requires heavy medication..."

On the way home from work, I tried to round out my top five favourite words, but I found myself unable to do so.  I love the word FREE, but I can't decide if it's the word itself that I'm enamoured with or the concept, because I really do love free shit!  I also like the word 'motherf*cker', but can't decide if that should be included with 'f*ck', as it IS a variation of the word 'f*ck'...  I wish there were some kind of verbal guru I could enlist to help guide me in shaping my Top 5 words.

Even now...  I sit back, hands clasped behind my head, looking up into the corner of the room, I can't think of any other words.  Maybe I only have a top three.  Bah.  F*ck it!  Who really gives a shit?!?

The Little Tramp

I had some time to kill before going into my doctors appointment today, so I took the opportunity to continue listening to the Howard Stern program that was repeating on Sirius 100.  Rarely do I tune into any other channel on Sirius, as I really enjoy the Stern programming, but it is a rare occasion that I get to listen to a show in it's entirety, so being allowed a few extra moments today, was a gift, for lack of better terminology.

Howard was, like always, at the top of his game, this time ragging on the Tony Awards, which aired last night on CBS.  Howard praised Neil Patrick Harris, who hosted the event, as being fantastic.  Harris has been on the Stern program in the past and has always proved himself to be a great guest.  However, the rest of the Tony Awards, did not meet up to the notoriety that it's self-boasting tends to celebrate.  Howard proceeded to ridicule just about everything and everyone associated with the program, stating that he greatly disapproved of the pretentious attitudes displayed by the participants.  Even going so far as to poke fun at acting legend Bernadette Peters, who introduced an award using a high society sounding tone of voice and accent that greatly distanced her from where her roots lie.  "She's from f*ckin' Queens!" Howard chuckled.

Disappointed greatly in the awards show, Howard explained that he wanted to got to bed and watch True Blood, before turning in for the evening.  Howard works a very early time for his radio program, so late nights for the King of All Media, are a rarity.  Only he found himself with about twenty minutes to spare, before True Blood was to begin.  He could've continued to watch the Tony's, but he was so turned off by the behavior of "those theater types", that he opted instead to self-pleasure himself.

This is a subject that Howard speaks about quite often on his show.  He's a married man, with a beautiful wife and a healthy relationship, but sometimes a man's gotta do, what a man's gotta do.  Besides, which his lovely wife was out of town.  So to his laptop he went.  

Howard is a huge proponent of the YouPorn website.  It's like YouTube, only with a more "colourful" catalog.  He also tends to lean towards watching "babysitter porn".  I've never seen it, but every time I hear about it, I think of the movie "The World According To Garp", starring Robin Williams.  I'm not sure if it's because he has sex with the babysitter in the movie or that other scene where his wife accidentally bites off the dick of a guy she was giving a hummer to in the driveway of her house.  Either way, the subject doesn't seem very appealing to me.  And it didn't seem to interest Howard either, though I'm sure it was for entirely different reasons.  He claims to have watched the same video over and over several times, so decided to look for a new subject.

The Howard Stern Program has had a lot of adult entertainers come visit the studio over the years and so he drew inspiration from one of his past guests, Little Lupe.  He typed her name into the search engine on the YouPorn site, but found nothing by her.  Some "artists" wish to retain their integrity and resent the free status that is YouPorn, just as some mainstream programs cannot be found on YouTube.   Instead of finding Little Lupe under the YouPorn site, a plethora of other "Little's" came to light, including Little Person porn, which is funny as hell to watch.  Bridget the Midget....  Ha ha....  I tells ya....  But Howard wanted nothing of the sort.  Instead he found something that sparked his attention.  "Little Tramp Has Sex For The First Time".

Howard began explaining the premise to his co-host, Robin Quivers and his audience, but I blocked it all out, laughing hysterically because I thought at first it was old sex footage of Charlie Chaplin, aka "The Little Tramp"...  Ha ha haaa....  Can you imagine?  I certainly did.  I laughed so hard, tears began to form in the corners of my eyes.  I continued to laugh as I crossed the parking lot, heading for my doctor's office and even as I approached the reception desk, I still had a stupid-ass grin on my face.  It was a perfect end to an otherwise troubling day.